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Retrospection on happiness
3 years ago
General
I try to not be a downer and depressive as much as possible now adays but sometimes that can be difficult, most of the time it's not that I feel like shit from anything happening or such it's more that my mind wanders down the path of a idea of thought process and then gets stuck there.
So happiness is something that I have been chasing for a long time and while thinking about it this evening I asked myself the question "Have I ever been happy?". Now I always hear people talking about the happiest they ever were or the happiest day of their life so far and such, if you were to ask me what my happiest day so far was or to describe a moment in time or a event or a thing where I felt truly happy that would honestly be very difficult for me. My mind goes back to things like the first 2 years I attended Nordicfuzzcon or certain parts of my youth. But when I think about all of those moments for more than a second or two I just get reminded that they have all been tainted by negative emotions and experiences. The first furry convention I ever went to? well some shit happened during a room party. 2nd time I attended? Mostly positive stuff that is now tainted by negative associations with things I did after. Thinking back on my childhood and the friends I had I get reminded that every "friend" I had associated with me either because they were friends with my brother or because I would buy candy and such to share between classes in school. All these "happy" memories are forever tainted by negative thoughts and emotions. Now that isn't to say that I am miserable and sad all the time. A lot of the time I am neutral or at best content. I try to not get my hopes up to much about anything anymore as it makes me scared that they will always end up getting ruined or tainted by the negative.
It truly is a bizarre feeling being able to look back at your life and just go "yupp, most if not all of my memories are ruined by the surrounding events".
I will end of this journal with this though. All of these things I am talking about are more than a year in the past. There has been one event during this year where I did feel happy, I did feel good and that memory as of writing this has not been ruined by any bad thoughts or feelings. What was that event? getting to spend a weekend with my lovely boyfriend in Oslo. I felt happy and loved and I am going to leave it at that.
So happiness is something that I have been chasing for a long time and while thinking about it this evening I asked myself the question "Have I ever been happy?". Now I always hear people talking about the happiest they ever were or the happiest day of their life so far and such, if you were to ask me what my happiest day so far was or to describe a moment in time or a event or a thing where I felt truly happy that would honestly be very difficult for me. My mind goes back to things like the first 2 years I attended Nordicfuzzcon or certain parts of my youth. But when I think about all of those moments for more than a second or two I just get reminded that they have all been tainted by negative emotions and experiences. The first furry convention I ever went to? well some shit happened during a room party. 2nd time I attended? Mostly positive stuff that is now tainted by negative associations with things I did after. Thinking back on my childhood and the friends I had I get reminded that every "friend" I had associated with me either because they were friends with my brother or because I would buy candy and such to share between classes in school. All these "happy" memories are forever tainted by negative thoughts and emotions. Now that isn't to say that I am miserable and sad all the time. A lot of the time I am neutral or at best content. I try to not get my hopes up to much about anything anymore as it makes me scared that they will always end up getting ruined or tainted by the negative.
It truly is a bizarre feeling being able to look back at your life and just go "yupp, most if not all of my memories are ruined by the surrounding events".
I will end of this journal with this though. All of these things I am talking about are more than a year in the past. There has been one event during this year where I did feel happy, I did feel good and that memory as of writing this has not been ruined by any bad thoughts or feelings. What was that event? getting to spend a weekend with my lovely boyfriend in Oslo. I felt happy and loved and I am going to leave it at that.
