So I'll paraphrase this journal and many others with saying I will open one of these up and type unworthy thoughts into it very frequently and fall asleep, read it in the morning and delete it. Or just delete and not read it.

Don't know where else to go with this stuff. And there is a certain level of lucidity that it has to meet. Not half banged up drunk, completely exhausted mind stumble as I pray for sleep.

A lot has happened, and I won't go into it, but instead of getting easier, life got harder...

Take care of yourself. That was the culmination of my last psychologist appointment. Lots of wild shit happened, don't have a mental exercise for that. Take care of yourself.

So much easier said than done. Muscle memory for self destruction remains.

I met a new friend.

This new friend through getting to know each other, reminded me of something I dealt with in my childhood that I really, really struggled with, all the way up until I was in college. They also faced the same struggle. Something that was the absolute bane of my existence and drove me into introversion so hard...

Course this mention gave me flashbacks to "Nam." Had buried it deep enough for it to not come up in psychology appointments or anything... because thankfully, that nightmare is over, but it did hurt to remember.

Just like, all the missed opportunities, the shame and other stuff because of the problem, how it undoubtedly shaped my self worth to be very low because I had no control, how it made my social awkwardness worse and made me only want to spend time with animals and my siblings instead of making friends. Like, if you watched the latest episodes of Stranger Things, this would be what Vekna (sp?) would attack me with if I was a troubled teen in Hawkins.

But this friend... Their brain lensed it somehow into the most positive thing you could possibly get from it. They like, accepted it and made it a part of themselves and used it to connect with other people even.

Imagine that, two lives on a parallel with a similar challenge, one an abject horror that perpetuated so much suffering... and the other, while not ideal, same problem: but it ends up being something they use like a superpower in comparison to the other.

Perspectives.