I mostly just don't want that last one there forever lol.

But since I'm here and the last one lasted a whole year, let's jot down some things. Capture them in time ♡

I trace this a lot, to see how I got to now but maybe writing it out will be easier.

Last year (2021) I made the decision to get healthy so I can transition. It was suppose to be my whole focus that year but I couldn't really grasp it.

Somewhere around March I had a dream. One where a friend took me to a spa. I use to think this was princess_lil but as time goes on I'm not so sure about this. Anyway, during that spa trip I was turned from myself into velvet. And I think that's where all this really started in earnest.

Come June I poked my found family mom for transitioning information. This led to more general talks and a friendship forming. Though I stayed pretty distant. Kind of idly posting here and there on her server.

Then an incident happened in November, my grandma passed. For a long while she was the only person that was on my side or did much for me. Downside being I only really got to know her briefly and then covid happened so I didn't get to see her all of those 2 years.

After taking time off, a lit a fire under my ass. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING!?!? I KNEW WHAT I WANTED, AND I WAS JUST SITTING THERE DOING NOTHING FOR 10 YEARS!? D: FUUUUUUUCK. The suicide attempt really left me still, and I feel horrible Nini's death woke me.

So in January I poked mom again. I had to do this, I wasn't me. I knew I wasn't me, something was insanely wrong. I've been living like this since u was 7. Waaaaaaay back when the first crack appeared.

She gave me the resources, I set a date to actually do it, was all set!!... I got scared, before now probably the most scared I've ever been. What if I was wrong, what if I'm rejected, oh god she helped me so much she's gonna be so disappointed in me. Fuck.

The day came, she poked, and I said I was pushing off to another day cause of nerves. I sat there for awhile just feeling bad but she poked back. "Would you like me to sit in a call with you?" WHICH CJKENFKJSO!!!!! YES I REALLY WANTED THAT! JUST ANYONE TO HOLD MY HAND DURING THIS!!

we hopped in a discord call. I made the call, she helped coach me a little as I waited. Before I knew it, it was over??? I was crying really hard?? I hadn't cried in years, I didn't even cry when Nini died. I felt so happy!!!

Like the whole 22 years of knowing just fucking crumbled, and the feeling of having hidden for so long faded. EVERYTHING FELT SO HYPER REAL AND HYPER FAKE!! @@ it was a dream I was literally walking through!!!

Then as the day grew closer the doubts came back. Mom talked me through them, and somewhere along the line she wanted me to tell her when I got to the place, when I got the pills. Was frankly very strange to have someone look forward to a thing for me.

Figured she just wanted to make sure I saw it through, then we'd go back to regular communication.

NOPE!! BIG NOPE!!

I GOT PULLED INTO A COMMUNITY @~@!! I was in their server before but now I was WAY MORE ACTIVE. Though it was still slow at first. I met alot of folks!! All very friendly and nice. While on twitter I started talking with even more folks!! Which is where I met my sister.

So

Month 1
Decided that I wanted to try this. Made the call, got my pills on the 21st, my rebirthday. Started taking, cooking for myself, and working out daily. (Was about 520 pounds)

Month 2.

Nothing really happened, was still on my dailies. Added regular showers to that as well. (I was very much a smash player in smell) and teeth brushing. Late in the month I noticed some nipple pain.

Month 3.
MY SENSES STARTED TO COME BACK!!! I HAD LOST THESE THROUGH ABUSE AND DEPRESSION!! when I mentioned this I heard some other folks talk about it to and even one person who had the opposite. Extreme touch!

It was funny cause I was just outside getting the mail, then on my way back I noticed "this feels weird... Wait this feels??" Rubbed the envelope a little, passed it off as possibly being sick.

Then that night I woke up, and OMG!! EVERYTHING WAS DIFFERENT O_O I COULD ACTUALLY GET MORE THAN A FLAT FUCKING TEXTURE??? I GOT THE HEAT/COOLNESS, TEXTURE, AND WHATECER ELSE!!

AND THAT WAS JUST THE START??? A little later I realized my body's temperature guage was allllll outta wack! 50 degrees never felt cold to me before, it had to get really low. Now though geezum D: 50 degrees is so cold!! I had to bundle up.

Same for heat, I was a hot water warrior for forever.. yeah.. no... I think I was burning myself alive in the shower lmao. Incidentally I learned later that might be the source of my dandruff problem @@; cause colder showers now, and I haven't had any issues with it. No more head and shoulders for meeeeeeeee


Then my ears got more sensitive =w= loud volume actually hurt now. Big cry. Taste went up, I really only ate extremely spicy and sweet things before cause it's all I could really taste. Sight went up as well, I hadn't thought I was color blind before, now I'm pretty sure I was at least a little xD

This is also when the emotion bad came in. I passed it off a little, cause I had random cries in the past when I was younger. Figured "oh, I'm being myself and actually talking about depression. This is probably normal for that!"

Nope, big nope :D it was my emotions punching down the walls I made. Kicking me in the title and yelling at me. Did a lot of talking around here. It's where mom first started to fell like mom and sis was becoming more sis!

I was still pretty bad at being open tho.

Incidentally this is where I needed to take a break.

There was a huge break between me now, and cassie the former me. I thought I'd still be cassie and wouldn't really change on hrt. Haha... no... no... owo; not at all.

I've said this a lot on twitter or in servers. HAPPY EXISTENTIALISM? it's so weird!! It was like I woke up for the first time. And I was in a really nice field of flowers I could go any direction in.

It was genuinely nice. I had no idea who I was anymore since I didn't really exist outside of art for a majority of my life but I was here! And meeeeeeee!!!

Also somewhere in here an offer got made to me... move in with mom and her wife? 💕 st the tine it seemed really fake lol.

Month 4.

Lot of bad here. Talks forced on me, self doubt stuff, anxiety, depression fights, contending with suicide again, and a large draining of my funds

Weren't all bad though. While it took me some time to get over the family stuff feeling fake or like a game. I am over it, and kind of accepting I'm going to be a daughter and a sister?? It's genuinely weird to me but x3 I'm getting over that too!!

I also got the date for the move. It's soon, sooner than I ever imagined xD

Not much on the changes side that I've noticed. I do something called stimming? But I've always kinda had that I just know the name for it now.

We're on month 5 now, and hope all goes good. :3

♡ have a nice day ♡