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Halloween....into a selfish rant about my problems..........
16 years ago
Sigh, it has gone and past....It's my favorite holiday of the year. I wish It happened twice a year...or I wish I was able to dress up in costume more...or something. I hosted a haunted house in my Hall today (err yesterday I suppose), it went over very, it was hosted in the basement in one of the top 10 most haunted places in Minnesota! Sigh...I miss Halloween....
Yea....doopey doo.....not much else to say I guess I'll just stay up till I fall asleep which may not be any time soon...I imagine everyone is either inundated and passed out, high out of there mind and passed out, or asleep right now from Halloween festivities, so I'm talking to myself...which leads me to ramble about something else... I've never drank alcohol like hard ever, I've had sips of wine, but nothing really... of sustenance....why is getting drunk so highly sought after, I've never really understood.... I probably never will....... as much as I would love to get stinking drunk to see if it's as much of a wild ride as they say it is, it will probably never happen, which is why when I turn 21 I'm buying as much alcohol and liquor as possible and drinking to my liver defects. I have no access to alcohol, and probably never will, and if I do, I don't care enough to seek it, it doesn't warrant the minor....fuck I hate being me sometimes....I had no idea what a minor was, but every single person I've run into, freshman or not, did know, how fucking sheltered am I?
I suck at keeping relationships friends, family, lovers (whatever that is... a term I have never had the pleasure of fully understanding, and probably never will) I just don't know what happens they occur, then they go nowhere, I just can't do it, relationships always feel like work in my life, lots of work, which means lots of time, which I have very little of, I don't have time to have relationships is that sad?
I don't know maybe I should resign from doing things I'm just so tired of not feeling "normal" (whatever that means...), I try to pin point the moment in my life where everything made my life go the exact opposite way I wanted it too, and I can trace all the way back to second grade. My life has a been a shit fuck of down hill fuck-shitting since the second grade I remember the exact event to.....
Booze is supposed to make feelings like this feel "better", I really don't understand how, because in my life I've never not been totally in control of my actions, and can't understand how one can not be totally in control of themselves, mentally and physically.
I sleep 12 hours on Saturday and wake up tired and hurting, all over aching, able to sleep. I'm constantly dehydrated when I wake up. and I really have no one to talk about mah problems.....but you know they never seem like problems at the time until I turn around and look back and go you know that's actually really fucked up and it's bothering me, I'm broken I don't let things bother me that should bother me.
I lack social life, I lack a since of need for it, and I don't really know what to do... I don't care that I don't have strong bonds, but I care that I don't care if I have strong bongs.....and how the hell did I make it through HS with out having a single crush on anyone! Or like being interested in anyone, or anything! Why can I only breathe well through one nostril, why does my chest frequently hurt out of no where....
Why can't I commit to things as well as I used too, why am I 5'9'' that really stupid awkward height that doesn't make you short, but it doesn't make you tall it just makes you that guy over there... I really wish I was 5'7'' I couldn't stand being taller than most people...WHY THE HELL IS IT THAT I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN SINCE I WAS 6 THAT I WOULD BE SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND THE LAST TO GO THROUGH PUBERTY AND THE LAST TO EXPERIENCE THE "Pleasures (in it's many forms)" OF LIFE. Why do I bitch about things I can't change.
Why do I feel like I'm making shit up as I'm typing this very sentence when in fact it's all true......Will anyone read this prolly not....oh well...I guess I don't really care if anyone reads it it's just the drama parade making it's monthly manifestation in journal form....
I'm worse at Spanish now than I was a year ago...I don't know how that happened....
Why, do I have another half century of this bull shit to deal with lol.....
God this sounds like the perfect time for a drink...not that I know, it's just what I've been told by the me-- well everyone lol....I wish I was bad ass.....I'm jealous of a lot the people I watch because a lot of them exemplify idealistic characteristics of there life I wish would had happened to me...
Why is that all of a sudden I feel like I need a lover within the last 3 months, when I've never had the desire for another ever before...why is my face growing hair for the first time in college to the point of where I might need to shave it it (I look like a fucking sophomore or freshman in HS)
Why do I exhibit symptoms of Tourettes Syndrome when ever I think about an awkward situation or when I'm thinking really hard. (involuntary shoulder shrugging and muscle tensing repetitively frequently aided by repetitive vocals)
why can't I talk about my problems...
why should I consider these problems..
to have my own problems is selfish....I'm sure whatever my problems are they are petty...I see people with problems I think are far more important than anything I think is a problem in my life and I feel terrible.
why do I always alienate myself.....
why was my 18th birthday uncelebrated......
why should I care that it wasn't....
why doesn't anyone ever look at me as more than just a friend....not even a good friend, but oh that's sean he's just a friend....
I just want one person to hold me.
okay now I'm crying with that last line so I'm gonna stop.
I'm sorry if I've offended any of you really I am.
Yea....doopey doo.....not much else to say I guess I'll just stay up till I fall asleep which may not be any time soon...I imagine everyone is either inundated and passed out, high out of there mind and passed out, or asleep right now from Halloween festivities, so I'm talking to myself...which leads me to ramble about something else... I've never drank alcohol like hard ever, I've had sips of wine, but nothing really... of sustenance....why is getting drunk so highly sought after, I've never really understood.... I probably never will....... as much as I would love to get stinking drunk to see if it's as much of a wild ride as they say it is, it will probably never happen, which is why when I turn 21 I'm buying as much alcohol and liquor as possible and drinking to my liver defects. I have no access to alcohol, and probably never will, and if I do, I don't care enough to seek it, it doesn't warrant the minor....fuck I hate being me sometimes....I had no idea what a minor was, but every single person I've run into, freshman or not, did know, how fucking sheltered am I?
I suck at keeping relationships friends, family, lovers (whatever that is... a term I have never had the pleasure of fully understanding, and probably never will) I just don't know what happens they occur, then they go nowhere, I just can't do it, relationships always feel like work in my life, lots of work, which means lots of time, which I have very little of, I don't have time to have relationships is that sad?
I don't know maybe I should resign from doing things I'm just so tired of not feeling "normal" (whatever that means...), I try to pin point the moment in my life where everything made my life go the exact opposite way I wanted it too, and I can trace all the way back to second grade. My life has a been a shit fuck of down hill fuck-shitting since the second grade I remember the exact event to.....
Booze is supposed to make feelings like this feel "better", I really don't understand how, because in my life I've never not been totally in control of my actions, and can't understand how one can not be totally in control of themselves, mentally and physically.
I sleep 12 hours on Saturday and wake up tired and hurting, all over aching, able to sleep. I'm constantly dehydrated when I wake up. and I really have no one to talk about mah problems.....but you know they never seem like problems at the time until I turn around and look back and go you know that's actually really fucked up and it's bothering me, I'm broken I don't let things bother me that should bother me.
I lack social life, I lack a since of need for it, and I don't really know what to do... I don't care that I don't have strong bonds, but I care that I don't care if I have strong bongs.....and how the hell did I make it through HS with out having a single crush on anyone! Or like being interested in anyone, or anything! Why can I only breathe well through one nostril, why does my chest frequently hurt out of no where....
Why can't I commit to things as well as I used too, why am I 5'9'' that really stupid awkward height that doesn't make you short, but it doesn't make you tall it just makes you that guy over there... I really wish I was 5'7'' I couldn't stand being taller than most people...WHY THE HELL IS IT THAT I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN SINCE I WAS 6 THAT I WOULD BE SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND THE LAST TO GO THROUGH PUBERTY AND THE LAST TO EXPERIENCE THE "Pleasures (in it's many forms)" OF LIFE. Why do I bitch about things I can't change.
Why do I feel like I'm making shit up as I'm typing this very sentence when in fact it's all true......Will anyone read this prolly not....oh well...I guess I don't really care if anyone reads it it's just the drama parade making it's monthly manifestation in journal form....
I'm worse at Spanish now than I was a year ago...I don't know how that happened....
Why, do I have another half century of this bull shit to deal with lol.....
God this sounds like the perfect time for a drink...not that I know, it's just what I've been told by the me-- well everyone lol....I wish I was bad ass.....I'm jealous of a lot the people I watch because a lot of them exemplify idealistic characteristics of there life I wish would had happened to me...
Why is that all of a sudden I feel like I need a lover within the last 3 months, when I've never had the desire for another ever before...why is my face growing hair for the first time in college to the point of where I might need to shave it it (I look like a fucking sophomore or freshman in HS)
Why do I exhibit symptoms of Tourettes Syndrome when ever I think about an awkward situation or when I'm thinking really hard. (involuntary shoulder shrugging and muscle tensing repetitively frequently aided by repetitive vocals)
why can't I talk about my problems...
why should I consider these problems..
to have my own problems is selfish....I'm sure whatever my problems are they are petty...I see people with problems I think are far more important than anything I think is a problem in my life and I feel terrible.
why do I always alienate myself.....
why was my 18th birthday uncelebrated......
why should I care that it wasn't....
why doesn't anyone ever look at me as more than just a friend....not even a good friend, but oh that's sean he's just a friend....
I just want one person to hold me.
okay now I'm crying with that last line so I'm gonna stop.
I'm sorry if I've offended any of you really I am.
I enjoy listening, if you ever want to get something off your chest, I'll be willing to listen. You have friends here man.
Friends - All you really need in life is one, true, wonderful friend. And they are damn hard to find, but they are out there. You just have to keep looking. I suck at making friends and am ridiculously shy. Dump me in a room full of strangers and I'll panic and stay quiet in the corner. I have had several people ask if I even speak English before. But, when you take that leap of faith into the unknown and talk to a stranger, they could be your best friend. The one person who I have never gotten sick of, and I understand on a level unlike any other decided to sit next to me on the first day of out chem class because I was wearing a funny hat. I thought she was weird and didn't talk to her at first, and now I'm going to have to fight from crying when I say goodbye in a few days. You'll meet your good friends eventually, you just need to find them. Take a risk. Also, when you find someone, you'll find trust in them, and you can talk about anything to them. And, I know we haven't known each other very long, but feel free to talk to me. I've had people who I don't even know the name of tell me things no one else knows (why, I'll never know, but they did).
Lovers - I wish I could offer you more on this one, but I'm still looking for someone special myself. I never had a crush on anyone in high school either, but that was partially because I was still finding my sexuality at the time. I still don't have many crushes on people, but I'm looking for a very particular person who I'm beginning to suspect doesn't exist. I've had 2 relationships in my life and both have left me feeling cold and unfulfilled. But, someday, I'll meet someone, and so will you. You just have to keep your eyes open.
By the way, I'm 5'7" and it sucks ass. I'm too damn short for any clothing so I have to hem up all of my pants. And I haven't celebrated a birthday since I was 13. I don't really miss them.
Also, in my 19 years of life on this planet, I've found that the socially awkward people are the only people worth talking to. Everyone else is boring as hell.
Also, also, every day is Halloween for me. I wear a costume whenever the hell I feel like it. It's super liberating and makes the everyday activities all the more fun. I even keep fake spider webs up all year and have a whole collection of fake skulls (I'm not goth, I swear). You should try it!