Call me a "loser" if you must... but I've been a lonesome wolf most of my life which I would attribute to my autism and social handicaps. It is incredibly challenging for me to establish, manage and keep relationships of any type. Lots of bad things has happened in my life, especially over the last few years, and a recent event made me realize just how vulnerable I've become.

To provide an excerpt of the context, an old man who lived further down the street passed away a while back and I learned that he left behind a cat which was now alone and homeless. Anybody who knows me just a little should know that I will be immediately spurred to act when an animal is in distress and I ventured out to find the helpless soul. She had moved into someone's garage only a few clicks away from where the old man used to live. I could tell the cat was very emaciated, her fur tangled and dirty... it was no pretty sight. I thus decided to visit her in this filthy garage every single day with my rucksack packed with cat food, working to gain her trust over the course of a month.

Few days ago, I finally brought her home, which meant I could assess her more intimately. This is when I noticed things that were much more concerning than tangled fur... compromised respiration and no bowel movement. I brought her to the vet and the diagnosis wasn't good... let's just say it destroyed my ambition to get her back in shape and adopt her. Her gums were pale white and the respiratory issues stemmed from a weak heart that struggled to pump blood through her veins. She was severely constipated because her system had begun to shut down and all the food we provided her just turned into a dry lump in her stomach. I had no choice but to put her down.

I foolishly thought I was prepared for the worst and could handle it but the sorrow overpowered me and my heart is broken to pieces. I've cried several times today and then the extent of my deprivation suddenly dawned on me. I experienced a overwhelming need for someone to hold me, offer me solace, say they were proud of the things I had done... But there was absolutely no one for me and I got to grieve in a void of deafening silence. I know that I've online friends who listen, care and are there for me and I love you all! Please don't think I don't appreciate you. Sometimes... it'd just be nice to have some of that in RL too, you know? My mother would do all that if she was here but I lost her to cancer two years ago. My dad is about as sensitive as a round pebble, so when he literally saw me shed tears AND have a nosebleed at the same time, he just told me to "wipe that shit off and move on". Makes me jealous of those folks who have parents who love them, friends who support them, a lover to hold them... I just have absolutely nobody, and when misery finds me, I've no choice but to rely on my survival instinct to make it through.

Thank you for reading this far... I tried to be concise but I needed to speak my mind...