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What Sucks About Writing
3 years ago
I'm half making this journal at the suggestion of my therapist. Just to kinda get my thoughts out there in a space where I think it's safe to express it. At the same time, I also don't honestly expect anyone to do anything about this. I just wanted to vent, I guess.
I don't post as much stories on here as I'd really like to, and if we cut all the nonsense out that's on me. I'm the one who's not writing the stories I want to write. I'm the one not putting the effort to make them happen. If I really wanted to make the stories happen, I just would. Is the idea.
At the same time, though, writing with as much care as I like to takes a decent amount of effort. Light and fluffy pieces, in the strictest sense, aren't natural for me. I like a deep dive into feelings and emotions and sensations. I like to submerge myself utterly in descriptions and, most importantly to me, feelings. And that takes effort. A lot of effort. And especially time. That's time that I could spend working at my D&D job or making time with or for friends. Time spent writing is time spent not being with people. And when you're hard wired to crave human interaction while also being so traumatized from easily forming casual friendships (and even close ones), it's difficult.
What sucks the most about writing is how lonely it is. The parts of your brain it takes up to make it look good are a lot different from the ones you use while drawing, from what I've seen. You can't host a stream while writing and have a lot of conversation about the latest Sonic Frontiers game going on. If you're trying to write about characters sitting down to eat dinner, people talking about what Batman's been up to in the comics lately is distracting. When you're writing, you gotta immerse yourself in it. You gotta be totally in it. You have to go completely into the world, whether it's a world from some other media or one you've made.
When I first came to FA, I just wanted to make things. Write stories about things that made me happy during a really sucky time in my life. But then people wanted to be friends, too. They'd come up to me and say, "Wow, what you make is so good!" and then want to get to know the author behind the words. And then they want to spend more time with me, and in some cases want to get really close because my sincerity makes them feel good and loved and wanted. And I'm glad to do that.
And then they ask "Why aren't you more passionate about writing? Why aren't you writing more? You used to be more passionate a few years ago."
And then I'd say, because of all the time they want to spend with me. Perhaps they could spend more time making worlds with me? Helping me write? Helping me create stuff?
And they'd say, "Yes!"
And then they wouldn't. Something would always be in the way. Sometimes, sure, they would. But then they wouldn't be consistent. They couldn't keep up steam or passion for more than a day or a week. Then when I ask about them doing what they promised, trying to set it up so we can do it again, even if later, they'd say "soon, soon" or "once things calm down."
Soon never comes. Things never calm down enough. And I'm supposed to be okay with that. I'm supposed to just accept those promises and them not coming through and just... be okay. Forever. Instead of them just... letting the promise go. Letting me know it's not gonna happen.
It's hard to want to try and be consistent for people when people won't be consistent for me. Why make things for anyone other than myself? I'm almost... afraid to post things here. Half because I'm afraid of the lack of response I'll get (I wish more people would leave comments and make favorites instead of telling me over discord), half because I'm afraid someone else will promise me to help me and I'll have to dredge through all my trauma over the handful of people that expected me to be okay despite being let down, only to be let down again.
I'm fine with people not helping me write. My writing is my business and no one has to make it theirs. I'm fine if my fanbase is just 30 people. I prefer small groups, anyway. I'm mad people expect me to be okay with them promising and then not being there. I'm mad people expect me to be there for them all the time and then wonder why I'm not writing. I'm mad at people breaking my trust, then being so hurt that my trust is broken and not working with me to fix it.
I'm not done writing. But you know? Writing sucks. It's really lonely.
I don't post as much stories on here as I'd really like to, and if we cut all the nonsense out that's on me. I'm the one who's not writing the stories I want to write. I'm the one not putting the effort to make them happen. If I really wanted to make the stories happen, I just would. Is the idea.
At the same time, though, writing with as much care as I like to takes a decent amount of effort. Light and fluffy pieces, in the strictest sense, aren't natural for me. I like a deep dive into feelings and emotions and sensations. I like to submerge myself utterly in descriptions and, most importantly to me, feelings. And that takes effort. A lot of effort. And especially time. That's time that I could spend working at my D&D job or making time with or for friends. Time spent writing is time spent not being with people. And when you're hard wired to crave human interaction while also being so traumatized from easily forming casual friendships (and even close ones), it's difficult.
What sucks the most about writing is how lonely it is. The parts of your brain it takes up to make it look good are a lot different from the ones you use while drawing, from what I've seen. You can't host a stream while writing and have a lot of conversation about the latest Sonic Frontiers game going on. If you're trying to write about characters sitting down to eat dinner, people talking about what Batman's been up to in the comics lately is distracting. When you're writing, you gotta immerse yourself in it. You gotta be totally in it. You have to go completely into the world, whether it's a world from some other media or one you've made.
When I first came to FA, I just wanted to make things. Write stories about things that made me happy during a really sucky time in my life. But then people wanted to be friends, too. They'd come up to me and say, "Wow, what you make is so good!" and then want to get to know the author behind the words. And then they want to spend more time with me, and in some cases want to get really close because my sincerity makes them feel good and loved and wanted. And I'm glad to do that.
And then they ask "Why aren't you more passionate about writing? Why aren't you writing more? You used to be more passionate a few years ago."
And then I'd say, because of all the time they want to spend with me. Perhaps they could spend more time making worlds with me? Helping me write? Helping me create stuff?
And they'd say, "Yes!"
And then they wouldn't. Something would always be in the way. Sometimes, sure, they would. But then they wouldn't be consistent. They couldn't keep up steam or passion for more than a day or a week. Then when I ask about them doing what they promised, trying to set it up so we can do it again, even if later, they'd say "soon, soon" or "once things calm down."
Soon never comes. Things never calm down enough. And I'm supposed to be okay with that. I'm supposed to just accept those promises and them not coming through and just... be okay. Forever. Instead of them just... letting the promise go. Letting me know it's not gonna happen.
It's hard to want to try and be consistent for people when people won't be consistent for me. Why make things for anyone other than myself? I'm almost... afraid to post things here. Half because I'm afraid of the lack of response I'll get (I wish more people would leave comments and make favorites instead of telling me over discord), half because I'm afraid someone else will promise me to help me and I'll have to dredge through all my trauma over the handful of people that expected me to be okay despite being let down, only to be let down again.
I'm fine with people not helping me write. My writing is my business and no one has to make it theirs. I'm fine if my fanbase is just 30 people. I prefer small groups, anyway. I'm mad people expect me to be okay with them promising and then not being there. I'm mad people expect me to be there for them all the time and then wonder why I'm not writing. I'm mad at people breaking my trust, then being so hurt that my trust is broken and not working with me to fix it.
I'm not done writing. But you know? Writing sucks. It's really lonely.
I do look forward to reading anything you do write in the future, and you have my sympathies and patience about how hard it can be to do it sometimes.
It's fair to expect people to keep up their ends of offers, especially if they're asking about why you're not doing things they enjoy when they aren't returning the gesture.
Have you considered posting in other online communities that might have users who are more willing and capable of getting deep into the emotions in-between your sentences?
You'd think the fanbase of a game that's about acceptance, tolerance, and forgiveness would embody those virtues or something :thinkingemojihere:
Still, the problem isn't *finding* someone who can be close and passionate about my art. It's finding people who can be respectful about it and mean what they say. I think anyone should be able to do that.
Fair. This is more a first step and, unfortunately, the second one that matters most to you is hard to gauge until you've already invested a lot of personal and social energy into someone.
A good question. I tend to write in spontaneous bursts. I've fallen into the trap of garnering a fan-base that expected me to write a very specific kind of story. Thankfully, that curse has now been broken, and I can more freely write for myself.
That's not to say I didn't enjoy writing Helluva Boss fan-fiction, but I was getting a bit sick of it. Still, I pushed through it with one final fan-pleaser of a fic. Now it's back to writing stuff, just for me.
Having people expect a certain sort of story from you can be almost as mentally exhausting as the process of writing, itself. Either way, I try not to focus too much on being 'let down'. It's happened so many times by now, that I've grown numb to it.
So many rps cancelled without warning. So much potential, left untapped. At this point? I'd argue it'd be best to just focus on what you want. Don't write stories, because you think they'll play better to your audience.
For example. I wrote a ridiculous Thunder Cats story, just because the mood hit me. I did it on a whim, and I expected nobody to like the damn thing. Still got some favorites on it, though. And I consider that a victory.
That, even though I wasn't playing to my audience, I still managed to create something people enjoyed. In any event, you shouldn't let lack of engagement or interest get you down. If the story makes you feel something, then it still matters. If only to you.
I used to collaborate more, but I found that conflicting writing styles was kind of a deal breaker for me. I'm simply too much of a control freak, so I don't even have anyone editing my work. Hence all the typos.
Learning to write for yourself, is like learning how to love yourself. Narcissism is an ugly thing, but you know what I mean. I'm still struggling with that, but I'm feeling more confident in my ability as an author now.
That said, the issue has never been garnering an audience or writing for an audience. I've always written what I want to write. Big fat babies isn't exactly content people ask for a lot.
No, the issue is people saying they'll help. And like... I don't even mean collaborations, though RPs do fall under that umbrella. Even just as simple as "let's make a day of writing" or "let's push you to write today" or "let's talk about that idea you're interested in." And then offering to RP so I can feel... an emotion for a while, or saying they'll watch a thing or play a game with me...
I wanna love people and be a good friend. But people expect me to both create art, play games for/with them all the time, and not get mad when they say they'll help and don't. That's what sucks.
Also, motivation is a strange beast.
As for emotion, I was using too many adverbs and not enough of describing the physical emotion to show the reader. But who left? Online friends?
Having said that, no, you weren't any of those people. You weren't there, either. Though, telling me time like that wouldn't be worth it doesn't help. Still, I wish your life and writing goes well.
I said life got in the way, but what got in the way was not worth it in the slightest over hanging out with friends.
That said, the way you wrote was a bit confusing, but now I see your point and forgive you. Still, it wasn't you, but thank you for the sympathy.