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Social Anguish
3 years ago
General
normally I keep this stuff to myself and internalize it, and honestly most probably won't even read this or care but I needed a place to sort out some of my thoughts about my struggles trying to be social
1 Social energy and lack thereof
lets start with what I feel my main problem is, its just so hard to keep up with being social, as an introvert I only have so much battery to deal with being social and lately it feels like I am only half charged anyway as much as I would really love to chat with multiple people and groups all at once I just don't know how some of you do it
and speaking of groups, I have joined so many groups on discord in the desperate hope to find more people to chat with and make new friends, and sure I can be a little chatty in them at first, but that soon makes way for the crippling inability to join conversations or relate to the current discussions, and I just end up lurking in these groups with the longing hope that someone will see my name and decide to DM me where I can chat somewhere more comfortable
2 Friends, new and old
as much as I enjoy making new friends and meeting new people as difficult as that is, I also feel like I have lost touch with and drifted away from a lot of my old friends and to be honest that terrifies me, I care about all my friends but something I struggle with a lot is keeping in contact with folks, and if I haven't spoken to a friend for awhile I can forget their username and then simply cannot contact them at all, I have ADD so I can even forget the names of family I don't see much of so please don't take offense if I can't recall our interactions if our contact has been limited I still care for you very much
my DMs on discord and elsewhere are full of cobwebs as I rarely get folks sending me notes here or messages on any messaging services, which may surprise you as I have had some folks say "but you are so popular you must have people messaging you all the time" we'll get to that
3. I'm just boring
this is a big one and something that makes it so hard to talk to groups and friends, I just feel I don't have much to add to the conversation
my life is not glamorous, I wake up, spend my entire day online, go to work, get home, and then go to bed every....single...day, there is nothing to do in my town I don't have many RL friends that actually go out and do anything its rare that I have any interesting events in my life worth talking about because believe me if I did I would love to share them with you
I try my hardest to be friendly, but I feel like I am just not charismatic and I am outshone by more charming individuals and it is very frustrating at times which is why I cherish anyone who takes the time to even just say hello, I just wish it was easier to have more to talk about
4. Why I'm here
I'm going to let you all in on a little secret as to why I started trying to make a name for myself and commissioning in the first place, the one and only reason in the beginning was to try and make friends
I thought, if I could get my name out there and people recognized me I would have people to talk to! and while I have met some amazing friends through it all that I wouldn't trade for anything
it really didn't work out like I had hoped, or like it seems to for other popular characters, in some ways it seems to have backfired
I have had some folks who finally worked up the courage to say hello to me say that they were intimidated to reach out to me because I was "popular" * dusts the cobwebs from his inbox * whatever that means, and that is the last thing I wanted when I started doing this I never thought being "popular" meant being so lonely with no one to talk to because some sense of idolization makes folks too scared to say hello, honestly I would love to hear from you, you'd probably be the first person to have done so in like a week
5 conclusion
I really don't know if I have made much sense in all this, honestly its all a bit of a jumble to me still, all I know is I am just frustrated with my difficulties being social and the loneliness it has caused, and just not having the energy to do much about it or keep up with the perpetual cycle of the social circles
1 Social energy and lack thereof
lets start with what I feel my main problem is, its just so hard to keep up with being social, as an introvert I only have so much battery to deal with being social and lately it feels like I am only half charged anyway as much as I would really love to chat with multiple people and groups all at once I just don't know how some of you do it
and speaking of groups, I have joined so many groups on discord in the desperate hope to find more people to chat with and make new friends, and sure I can be a little chatty in them at first, but that soon makes way for the crippling inability to join conversations or relate to the current discussions, and I just end up lurking in these groups with the longing hope that someone will see my name and decide to DM me where I can chat somewhere more comfortable
2 Friends, new and old
as much as I enjoy making new friends and meeting new people as difficult as that is, I also feel like I have lost touch with and drifted away from a lot of my old friends and to be honest that terrifies me, I care about all my friends but something I struggle with a lot is keeping in contact with folks, and if I haven't spoken to a friend for awhile I can forget their username and then simply cannot contact them at all, I have ADD so I can even forget the names of family I don't see much of so please don't take offense if I can't recall our interactions if our contact has been limited I still care for you very much
my DMs on discord and elsewhere are full of cobwebs as I rarely get folks sending me notes here or messages on any messaging services, which may surprise you as I have had some folks say "but you are so popular you must have people messaging you all the time" we'll get to that
3. I'm just boring
this is a big one and something that makes it so hard to talk to groups and friends, I just feel I don't have much to add to the conversation
my life is not glamorous, I wake up, spend my entire day online, go to work, get home, and then go to bed every....single...day, there is nothing to do in my town I don't have many RL friends that actually go out and do anything its rare that I have any interesting events in my life worth talking about because believe me if I did I would love to share them with you
I try my hardest to be friendly, but I feel like I am just not charismatic and I am outshone by more charming individuals and it is very frustrating at times which is why I cherish anyone who takes the time to even just say hello, I just wish it was easier to have more to talk about
4. Why I'm here
I'm going to let you all in on a little secret as to why I started trying to make a name for myself and commissioning in the first place, the one and only reason in the beginning was to try and make friends
I thought, if I could get my name out there and people recognized me I would have people to talk to! and while I have met some amazing friends through it all that I wouldn't trade for anything
it really didn't work out like I had hoped, or like it seems to for other popular characters, in some ways it seems to have backfired
I have had some folks who finally worked up the courage to say hello to me say that they were intimidated to reach out to me because I was "popular" * dusts the cobwebs from his inbox * whatever that means, and that is the last thing I wanted when I started doing this I never thought being "popular" meant being so lonely with no one to talk to because some sense of idolization makes folks too scared to say hello, honestly I would love to hear from you, you'd probably be the first person to have done so in like a week
5 conclusion
I really don't know if I have made much sense in all this, honestly its all a bit of a jumble to me still, all I know is I am just frustrated with my difficulties being social and the loneliness it has caused, and just not having the energy to do much about it or keep up with the perpetual cycle of the social circles
I'd offer to chat with you, but since our energy levels fluctuate heavily, and most of my characters are Pokemon, I'm not terribly sure how much we can do personally. We can always give it a try though!
I'm more than happy to chat and hang out with you, so just shoot me a message whenever you like. I get you've got a lot on your plate, tho, so no worries if you don't get around to me ^^
And to be honest I am completely guilty of the not wanting to bother people with tons of followers and just messaging them for no reason. I think it is the perceived notion that if they have a lot of followers, they get a ton of messages. Which I admit is based on how hounded females are on other forums and sites are, I just assume everyone gets hounded.
You don't have to be out base jumping or bull riding to be interesting. Your hobbies can be a point of interest, do you know how rare it is to find truck drivers or construction workers who play D&D? Its rare, as I am the only driver I know that plays table top rpgs.
I for one am always happy to hear about other people's day or hobbies they enjoy. Like why did you pick a pocket mouse?
and I don't blame people for the misconception its just not the case with me, I may be fairly known but that unfortunately doesn't translate into interactions
as for your question there is actually a bit of a story there, as well as a number of reasons but I'll keep it brief a mouse in general was choses cause it kinda fit my personality best various traits of smallness shy/meek but big in spirit and things of that nature as well as my interest in being small
though Pocket being grey is actually based on an RL mouse I found at my first job, I'd go into more details but there are lots of bits and pieces cobbled together as to how Pocket became what he is
I will extend an invitation for you to send me a message anytime on here about anything as I enjoy talking to people since I drive truck and spend most of the day by myself. Hell its only the first week of July and I have driven enough miles I am on my second trip around Earth.
Considering our shared interests, and that we have a mutual friend, I would be open to talking one on one, at your pace.
Even amongst my close personal friends I tend to be a 'speak when spoken to' type. I rarely message others, just because I end up with the mindset of 'If they want to talk, they'll reach out. I shouldn't bother them. They could be busy for all I know!' It's a trait I developed at a young age, and have had to struggle quite hard to get over.
I think a journal like this will help. It, at least, should help people of my particular 'I don't want to be a bother' subtype feel like they're not being a bother.
but yeah its rare anyone would ever bother me by reaching out saying hello or introducing themselves, sure it can be a little frustrating when I receive an FA note that has little more than "hi" or they will say " hi how are you?" and when I respond I never hear anything back, but I wouldn't say I was bothered by those things besides just disappointed I had little to go off of to make a connection
Hey, we may not chat much, but your a bud in my book. I hope good things happen in your future.
you are a good squeak, we will definitely have to catch up soon <3
And yeah, I agree with Biggie's comment above mine. I'm always around if you want to chat again, but I'll also try to message you first more often, when I can. I figured you'd always been busy, like some of my other buddies, and I have this weird thing about not wanting to bug others if I think they're busy...if that makes sense.
I am never too busy for a hello, more often than not I am aimlessly watching youtube hoping someone will message me, and even on the rare occasion I am in a game or in the middle of something I am more than happy to receive a hello from someone and will simply tell them I'll get back to them later, I can be very spacy so even just a simple hello from friends reminds me to poke them again more often
I also most of the time feel like I don't have that much of interest to say to try and start a conversation beyond simple small talk or character stuff which might not even really take off or go anywhere. Not to say I wouldn't mind trying any of that, like I said I've been wanting to try and rekindle old friend/acquaintanceships, and that without a doubt includes you.
I think I can maybe somewhat relate. I have an anxiety disorder that kind of makes it really difficult for me to interact with people. I have been working on it for a while. But, sometimes I still find myself feeling like im too afraid to talk to people. I think to myself, maybe I'll end up being too awkward. Or maybe the person on the other end would end up saying some pretty hurtful things if I were to be too slow to reply back. (It usually takes me a while to reply if I'm at work. But I always try to make it a point to read what people have said and to reply when I can. But, sometimes I'm really exhausted. And it takes me a bit longer than I'd hope sometimes.)
I would love to try to chat with you though. And I'd like maybe try to give you some company sometime, if you're feeling up for it honey. It just takes me a little bit to get comfortable talking to someone that is a little new to me.
Sometimes I get lucky and someone approaches me via DM, but it's definitely the vast minority of cases. The artwork I commission for myself makes me somewhat recognizable, I suppose, but I can't remember any real friendships arising from it, with the possible exception of a couple of artists I commission--but even then, it took a lot more than just the commissioning to get to that point.
Anyway, I'd say keep at it and don't get discouraged! It takes a while but it's been worth the time and energy for me.
In your case as you have written out, it is apparent that you lack both confidence and motivation despite the desire existing. And I totally get that as we get older as well, the motivation part of it seems to diminish just because the view points we had when we were younger has changed. So with that said and taking into account of factors like you don't feel like you add much to conversations. I would recommend trying new activities whether it be online or offline to continue to connect with new people. The ultimate goal from my perspective would be finding a specific friend that chooses to engage with you and take charge. It might seem daunting to find compatibility of this manner, but it does exist. You just have to make the effort even if it is small steps at a time to achieve this goal. After all, it is not like a person can run a mile without tiring themselves out without keeping up the effort.
though dang Alvin-Earthworm that's a name I haven't heard in a while, I definitely knew of them but I don't remember commissioning anything, but I can have a bad memory at times, do you remember the name of these works? I would love to recall them
I completely get the lack of social energy. Although I'm a bit more of an extrovert and do enjoy talking, it is very difficult to maintain social interactions as of late. I wouldn't call myself a full extrovert but I do like going out and having fun but I need far more time to recharge my social battery. My husband, on the other hand, is an introvert and struggles a lot. Even in discord groups as well. He says he's a bit more active in mine, but that's only because I'm there. And let's be honest, being chaotic is kind of our thing.
Have you noticed if you've been struggling more since the pandemic? People with ADD/ADHD are seeing an increase in struggles to keep up with social interactions as well as maintaining old friendships/familiar contact. This is something that's a major issue among my friends with diagnosed ADHD and for those waiting for diagnosis which may feel like social interactions are becoming more and more difficult since the pandemic. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time, and that things are so rough for you during these times, I can't imagine being in this position.
As for the "boring" point, I feel that's a bit of a harsh commentary on yourself. My hubby did the same before we got together, and what made him interesting is not what he did or where he went but his concepts, ideas, and stories. Maybe you may not be able to join a conversation for say, seeing the Grand Canyon, but maybe there would be a channel where you can write stories and tell some stories about your world-building, OCs etc. It may not appeal to everyone, but someone will certainly find it interesting. Of course, I'll be the first to admit this is a major oversimplification of the issue, but it can also serve as a starting point.
It may not gather immediate results, but it can be a start of something. Even if you may not be able to add to a conversation you can always as questions about the person's interest/hobby/etc that interests you. I do costume/sewing on the side, and when people ask pointed questions and show interest, even when they have nothing to add, still makes me really happy, it makes my heart sing to be able to talk to someone who has a genuine curiosity to what I do.
And your last point, internet familiarity/fame is never what anyone expects. There is a certain duality about high profile people. You are either so popular that you are unapproachable (therefore isolated) so no one comments or talks to you, or people use you to the point where you distrust those around you and assume people have something they want from you. Both are heavily isolating.
Of course, there is more to it, but that seems to be the general feel from what I gather, me feeling the latter.
As this was a while ago, I hope you are feeling better, if not, hit me up. I don't answer notes often, but when I do, it's girthy ;)
as far as the self criticism goes I dunno I just wish I had more passions I could gush about but I don't there are some things I can talk about sure, and there are a select few friends who we mesh well together and can talk easily, and ironically this is one of the few things about social interaction that is easier for me IRL I've gotten fairly good at small talk and having it lead into bigger things, but its harder to get going online for some reason maybe people have less patience for small talk online, but yes the asking questions thing that is definitely something I have learned to do its much easier to find things to add if I can get the other person talking, hence the smalltalk thing too but again all this drains my battery and its hard to keep up with so many people, especially if a lot of them expect you to interact daily
I know what you mean. I struggle with some of the same things. But I also think i find it easier to read people and boucne off the energy when it's face to face, whereas on the computer it can be a little more difficult to guague tone and what people are meaning, or if they are matching the same energy.
That said, for me, personally, it can be the slowness of the small talk as well. Face-to-face small talk can be very fluid and quick, whereas online you can be small talking for weeks before the big conversations where in person the lead ups are easier and getting to know people is easier. That's my experiences at least. That said, regardless of its short coming I do understand the nuance and still really enjoy talking to friends online, it's just finding a middle ground that can be difficult between meeting new people.
I'm not on FA a lot so a lot of my comments may take days, or a week or two to be responded to, I do have a discord, if you're wanting to chat, I'm more than happy to note you it. :)