We seen the usual gag of "After Pride Month it should be Wrath Month" and so on, while we shouldn't forget the importance of Disability Pride Month in July either. But I think we also do need a moment to consider the rage that comes with disability too.

A semi venting and just sharing my thoughts on the subject



We are all people with a full range of emotion, chronic illness and disability isn't just sadness, pain, bravery and so on with what's usually used to depict different conditions that limits one's abilities.

Rage and anger is still very much a part of it too.

Whether it's anger at one self for being 'broken', anger at the known cause to one's condition, rage at a broken system or individuals making things harder than necessary. It's not just sadness or hurt or about being positive and brave. Gotta recognize anger is an emotion too.

It's not always a righteous rage, it can't always fuel someone to 'try harder' or 'do better' and so on. Often time it can be an impotent anger, because you cannot use it beside feel it and let it pass.

Sometimes you CAN use it for something. But not always.

I still wake up some days to realize, today I'm just angry. I'm angry at the memories from a 2 year battle with a GP who refused to take me seriously. While any other member of medical expertise listened to me, the one who had the power to keep me from getting help I needed - was the one using that power by simply ignoring me and whatever anyone else said.

To a point that when I broke down crying in their office, they literally told me "I know it doesn't work that way, but when you feel sad like this just try and think happy thoughts."

I changed GP since, I'm listened to now, I'm getting support and treatment. That one person can't hurt me anymore. But I'm still angry. And you don't need to link me to that clip from The Golden Girls. I've seen it and yes. It's just like that. Except I'll never get the satisfaction of saying those words to my old GP. I'll never get to teach that person how much they hurt me and probably still are hurting others like me.

And it leaves me angry, with impotent rage.

The only good thing it does, is I have a focus point for my anger. Instead of being angry at myself for not being healthy and normal, my anger is pointed at a person whose face I don't even remember anymore. The anger and rage, the feeling of hurt, never goes away for good.

And its intensity and source differs from person to person. Is an emotion worth recognizing as much as the sadness, the anxiety, the hope, and so many other feelings that feels so intense the more you have to battle.

It'll lie dormant and sometimes just awaken.

Just some thoughts I wanted to share in this year's #DisabilityPrideMonth, as my contribution. Many people deal with rage for different reasons. In different ways. And that's just how it is, sometimes. Just like any other emotion.

Thanks for reading.