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Strength through Fragility
3 years ago
it's a song.
But I also think of it as a philosophy of sorts. How strength can be a product of the fragility in our lives.
When I was growing up, I was given a t-shirt with the quote "pain is weakness leaving the body". Total BS, but I believed it. As a scrawny teenager and a wrestler, I disliked being weak. I thought dedicating myself to a life of masochism, hard work and heartbreak would - in the words of Calvin's dad from Calvin and Hobbes - "build character". So I threw myself into painful places in highschool. I overloaded myself with work, I matched against the toughest opponents in my sport. My losing streak grew and my grades plummeted, but I was convinced there would be a turnaround. A point of sudden tolerance and instant, palpable success.
That moment never came. I still made it through school, but not without a decent amount of cheating. I finished each season of wrestling with a near uninterrupted losing record or a season-ending injury.
I moved into university, I found drinking was an excellent activity for causing pain and discomfort. So was taking even more classes, and having even higher expectations of myself. My sleeping and social patterns slipped away, and I slogged through four years. I figured this stress would translate into talent in summer jobs, but I was generally an anxiety ridden, unfocused, unproductive mess.
I graduated school and moved into a career. I was tired, overstressed, overworked. What I had hoped would be a part of my past became a lifestyle. Drinking turned to drugs, and anxiety hounded me daily.
It took years, and a long-term relationship with a stable partner before I began to see the cracks in the fundamentals of my philosophy. It turns out that the world has no shortage of hurt to offer. One does not need to go looking for it to find it. I'm working on appreciating my fragile body and fragile life. And I think that the defense of that fragility is where I can find uncommon strength.
But I also think of it as a philosophy of sorts. How strength can be a product of the fragility in our lives.
When I was growing up, I was given a t-shirt with the quote "pain is weakness leaving the body". Total BS, but I believed it. As a scrawny teenager and a wrestler, I disliked being weak. I thought dedicating myself to a life of masochism, hard work and heartbreak would - in the words of Calvin's dad from Calvin and Hobbes - "build character". So I threw myself into painful places in highschool. I overloaded myself with work, I matched against the toughest opponents in my sport. My losing streak grew and my grades plummeted, but I was convinced there would be a turnaround. A point of sudden tolerance and instant, palpable success.
That moment never came. I still made it through school, but not without a decent amount of cheating. I finished each season of wrestling with a near uninterrupted losing record or a season-ending injury.
I moved into university, I found drinking was an excellent activity for causing pain and discomfort. So was taking even more classes, and having even higher expectations of myself. My sleeping and social patterns slipped away, and I slogged through four years. I figured this stress would translate into talent in summer jobs, but I was generally an anxiety ridden, unfocused, unproductive mess.
I graduated school and moved into a career. I was tired, overstressed, overworked. What I had hoped would be a part of my past became a lifestyle. Drinking turned to drugs, and anxiety hounded me daily.
It took years, and a long-term relationship with a stable partner before I began to see the cracks in the fundamentals of my philosophy. It turns out that the world has no shortage of hurt to offer. One does not need to go looking for it to find it. I'm working on appreciating my fragile body and fragile life. And I think that the defense of that fragility is where I can find uncommon strength.
