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Up and down, back and forth
3 years ago
General
Nothing super serious, just wanted to put my thoughts on things out there. It's no secret that I've been on a roller coaster of emotions and how I relate to the community. Where I'm at right now I feel safe and comfortable and you may have noticed Macchi has a new design to separate him from Mocha. Macchi was created as somewhat of a shield, a safe way to explore being a little without allowing my femininity to be used against me.
It's not something I hide, but I'm a CSA survivor. The perpetrator was a man in my extended family and he only showed that interest in the girls in my family. It made me feel dirty and unsafe when being feminine, so I became a tomboy. I wanted to be safe and in my mind being more masculine meant being safe.
Last couple of years have been rather difficult, last year in particular. It was when I realized how much help I needed to get for myself and that I needed to have a better sense of self. I've seen my psych for a year now, and my DBT therapist. I'm more stable, not as keen to outbursts as I was (I don't want to say I'm completely over it but I'm doing my best not to let it happen again.)
I realized I'm more feminine than I thought I was after getting into Lolita fashion. I thought at first I would be a classic, steampunk, or gothic ouji or even lolita. While I like pieces for those I love sweet lolita. Meaning pastels, sweets, fruit, and small animal prints. I tried on my first dress almost a year ago and it just made femininity click for me. It's a safe fashion, not meant to be sexualized at all. (The sexualized 'young' look is called nymphet)
With the discovery that I'm more feminine, I started feeling separated from Macchi as my sona. He did so well in serving the purpose I intended him for and I'm going to keep him around. He's simply not me though and I figured Mocha expresses me the best.
I'm also working on finding my footing in little space now as this feels new. Even with everything that happened last year I have to say I'm more at peace with my positions on topics and my place as a little and an artist.
Happy to be drawing little pieces again and to be more back to normal than I have been in a long time.
<3
Mocha
It's not something I hide, but I'm a CSA survivor. The perpetrator was a man in my extended family and he only showed that interest in the girls in my family. It made me feel dirty and unsafe when being feminine, so I became a tomboy. I wanted to be safe and in my mind being more masculine meant being safe.
Last couple of years have been rather difficult, last year in particular. It was when I realized how much help I needed to get for myself and that I needed to have a better sense of self. I've seen my psych for a year now, and my DBT therapist. I'm more stable, not as keen to outbursts as I was (I don't want to say I'm completely over it but I'm doing my best not to let it happen again.)
I realized I'm more feminine than I thought I was after getting into Lolita fashion. I thought at first I would be a classic, steampunk, or gothic ouji or even lolita. While I like pieces for those I love sweet lolita. Meaning pastels, sweets, fruit, and small animal prints. I tried on my first dress almost a year ago and it just made femininity click for me. It's a safe fashion, not meant to be sexualized at all. (The sexualized 'young' look is called nymphet)
With the discovery that I'm more feminine, I started feeling separated from Macchi as my sona. He did so well in serving the purpose I intended him for and I'm going to keep him around. He's simply not me though and I figured Mocha expresses me the best.
I'm also working on finding my footing in little space now as this feels new. Even with everything that happened last year I have to say I'm more at peace with my positions on topics and my place as a little and an artist.
Happy to be drawing little pieces again and to be more back to normal than I have been in a long time.
<3
Mocha
Reva_the_Scarf
~revathescarf
Glad to hear it, kid.
MochaBeans
~mochabeans
OP
Thanks Reva!
SnowtheBear
~snowthebear
I feel self discovery is a journey not a destination. Somethings may stay concrete throughout it while others change. We probably never stop finding new things about ourselves, and that helps keep life interesting.
MochaBeans
~mochabeans
OP
It really is and you're right. A lot of it is finding out I'm not as.... boyish? as I thought I was lol. I still like my jeans and t shirts but I'm not as adamant about dresses and skirts XD
MochaBeans
~mochabeans
OP
Thank you so much! ;~; It's definitely been a long part of the journey out of a valley but oh so worth it. I try to imply checks on myself to make sure I'm doing things I want and not what just makes others happy. So far that's been working :D
