Welcome to the 40th year of existence. 40 years of trial and error. 40 years of getting things right, and getting things horrifically wrong. 40 years of identification in one way, and then another way, and then another another way. 40 years of attempting to do what's right by myself, and still finding that I'm just inherently a manchild. 40 years of procrastination. 40 years of dedication. 40 years of figuring that the world is not what we thought it would be. 40 years of trying new things. 40 years of doing nothing but sitting around. 40 years of.... 40 years...

I've been pondering this day coming up the past few weeks... months, even. Trying to figure out myself, and my life, and it's purpose and meaning. Whether there's been any at all, or if I'm just around for the sake of being around. It's interesting if you try to quantify yourself like that, because you can become pretty miserable if you let your head spiral out. And we know that I'm not exactly the happiest or most even-keeled. Depression is a hard-hitting son of a bitch, and it ensures that when you start to feel a little better about things, it's there to knock you down a couple pegs and keep you square on the ground.

Life has been interesting so far. Moving, and living. Working and relaxing. Trying to make something of yourself, and then sometimes there's nothing really to yourself to make anything of. Watching your family get older. Grow larger, and then, start growing smaller. Losing loved ones, gaining new ones. Friends coming and going out of your life. Different jobs, different co-workers.

I spent a good twelve to fourteen years moved away from my family, living half a state away. And, things in the end changed, to where I had to basically move back home. Still living independently, but, now truly on my own. I'm not one that likes to be alone, but, the solitude of my own space allows me to just take care of me. But, I wouldn't mind having someone in my life that I could be with, and share a space with once more. To take care of and be a part of. To grow further and mature. To come home to and quietly dote upon them with love and devotion.

But coming home too has meant that I get to spend more time with my family. Hanging out. When I moved back, I spent nine months living with my step-brother and his wife. It was incredible because the three of use grew closer. He's become the brother I never had when I grew up, and man am I eternally grateful for the two of them.

I do miss my best buddy, Drak. I always hope he's doing well and in a good spot with where he moved to. Not having him here physically though sucks sometimes, because I do miss the times we'd stand around and just talk shit for several hours.

This is rambling. I'm rambling. It's not cohesive, other than forty years is a long time to be alive, and to have experienced things. I do genuinely hope that those I've known, and have talked to, and have made a part of my life in some way have always... or most always... enjoyed my little bit of company, and will still continue on with me through this journey.

Happy Birthday to me!