So next week on Tuesday I'm going for my monthly meeting with my mental health nurse, and these meetings usually always go the same way. She asks me how I'm doing I reply with "I can't complain, no one listens anywway" in a joking tone making it sound like I'm joking even though I myself am unsure if I'm actually joking or not. I'll sit there for an hour and just talk about some random thing and then I'll smile and leave and go about my day. Now the issue here is that I can always think of a few issues that I could be talking with her about. Things like the fact that besides being trans and a furry I barely even know who I am anymore, identity wise. I used to style myself a bit like a goth rocker or other such things. But just I always feel like I am a complete and total fraud and impostor within the circles of my interests. I never really feel at home in any sub-culture or fandoms or interest groups. I don't know if it's because the friends I grew up with I had nothing in common with so I just had to pretend to be on their level and always was scared that the second the realized that I was bluffing they would just screw off and leave me. I feel like it might just be a mix of the want to belong to a group and have peers and other people with the same interests as me. That of course gets super difficult when you barely know what you're interested in anymore which just adds to the feeling of not belonging anywhere.

Another issue I have that I could definitely do with discussing is the issue of me feeling like I never deserve anything. This mostly manifests in the way that I'll be super excited about getting something and I'll be super giddy and happy up until I have ordered whatever product and once it's on it's way I just chastise myself for being a complete idiot and wasting money on myself for something that most likely I will never have a use for or me feeling like it's something that I absolutely don't need. This makes it so absolutely difficult to get into any hobby that I feel is interested because if I can't see a practical application of the hobby or the tools themselves I feel like its a waste of money and I don't deserve it. And all of this feeds into the absolute biggest issue I have. That being the issue that I have to keep myself occupied with something, I can't stand doing nothing or being bored because the second my brain is idle it usually starts to think about depressing things that can make me spiral into a terrible mental state.

And these are only a few of the things I feel like I could bring up with my mental health nurse, yet I probably never will. Why? I honestly have no idea, best guess is that I don't want others to spend their energy on trying to help me because my brain thinks that I am undeserving of help. Other than that I have absolutely no clue as to why I do this to myself