FA+
Shop
My Grandfather died
3 years ago
Hello there,
Yesterday we got a phone call and learnt my Grandfather died. He was taken to the hospital on Sunday and got his heart operated, but all of the doctors were saying he was fine. I was very calm and I was sure we'll see him well soon, but he died.
I love him a lot. He was a man I respected. When I was much younger, I even said I want my husband to be like him: handy, joyful, active, competitive, wise. I loved his mustache, the way we drank tea together when we were in the countryside.
I cry, I feel emptiness and sorrow, but the worst thing I faced is my mother's suffering. I lost my Grandfather and she lost her dad. My mom never cries, but now she cries without a stop. When she tries to keep strong and calm, I see her red eyes and tears staying in them. I'm afraid she is going to suffer deeply and for a very long time. There is nothing I can do but to read psychological articles to learn how to act to ease others' pain.
It is hard to see my mother crying so much. I feel guilty for not crying as hard as she does. I try my best to be around, but I feel like the only thing I want is to disappear until all this ends. I want to be safe from all her tears, but that's not the thing I can afford.
My family is going to have 31st anniversary this year in 7 days, but I know they won't celebrate. I planned a trip, a fun family vacation, lots of presents for both my mom and dad and now I feel so... Stupid and immature... All those stupid useless things I planned are naïve and silly now.
What should I do? Which way of help should I choose? I know my mom must to go through the suffering she faced, to live with sorrow, to cry as much as needed, but how can I ease her pain? How can I be the crying shoulder?
I feel extremely empty. I have light memory and light sorrow regarding my Grandfather, but I feel grief seeing my mother's tears. I will try my best to help.
However, I feel guilty for having strength to do something as if a random human died. I want to draw, but I'm so afraid that it is... Bad? I want to keep doing the usual things, but it seems to be incorrect. That's why I feel so lost, not knowing what to do and not able to act like I usually do.
Losing someone you loved dearly is always hard, but sadly this is how life works. You (and your family) are allowed to cry and let it all out. You lost someone dear. Losing your own parent is hard (I lost my mother 3 years ago so I feel your mothers pain), and it is unfair and it will hurt a lot.
The best you can do is to be there when your mother needs you. Help to get some chores off her shoulders. Take her in your arms and tell her that you're there for her. Let her know that you'll be by her side - it will help a lot already I can assure you.
But very, very important: Please don't forget to take care of yourself. YOU need to be allowed to cry too. It's very important that you not only help your family, but that you also help yourself. Don't forget that you have to be able to stand on your own if you want to hold another person up. ♥
And something that helped me coping with the death of my mother: Remember all the good things. Don't cry because you lost it. Smile because you were able to experience all the good things. Think about all the fun things you did - and be happy that they happened instead of griefing that it won't happen again. If your grandfather saw you, he would want you to remember him with a smile! <3
I wish you, your mom and your family all the best. Take care ♥
I also want to say that there is not only "one correct way to mourn". If crying helps your mother, she can cry. If drawing helps you, you can draw. You can both cry, or talk, or maybe watch a movie he loved or read a book he enjoyed. It is important to take care of yourself too, because otherwise you can't help others as much if you do not help yourself.
The best thing right now is to be there for those who need it, and hope the same understanding is given to you. There is not a wrong way to mourn so long as we do our best and be as kind and helpful as we can be. But everyone needs time, and rest, and breaks. Please also know that you and your mother and family are allowed happy moments, too. It will be hard but anything you feel is valid to feel.
All you can do is be there for your Mother. Having you there to talk to and be with will mean a lot to her. You let me know if you need a friend to just rant/vent to. I hope you the best. Sending warm hugs!
<3
I sadly can't can't help you but I can say that it's okay to do normal things (just to get life going or to get some minutes of joy inbetween/to distrcat yourself/whatever) and you don't have to cry.
Everyone feels & copes with a loss differently and that's okay! Don't feel bad about it :)
To do those normal things or more nice things, and its normal to cry when doing those normal or nice things, its normal to suddenly start to cry while talking or doing things after a loss, it does not mean you or anyone is doing the wrong thing. In life we have no choice, we must go on when the ones we love are gone, the only way to get through it is to have others we love help us to. Without the love of others sometimes people don't get through it.
And never feel bad for crying less than others.