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Just feeling sad and tired
4 weeks ago
I'm feeling extremely under the weather...
All the things that bother me a trifles, but I cannot stop crying and hating myself. I'm so tired, so disappointed, I can't give myself a chance to stop fucking hating and accusing myself for everything, for not being slim, good-looking, successful or even good at art.
I've gained a bit. I was always very short and kinda plump, but no one ever treated me bad because of it. Than I started doing powerlifting, changed my diet and got fit. I still didn't have slim legs and was looking like a dwarf, but I was small and buff, no soft belly or flabby hands. I was good-looking, I was so happy!..
But I wasn't. Keeping the diet was hard, my personal trainer kept on humiliating me for my weight even though I was about 49-50kg (108-110ibs) those days. He kept saying I must weigh 42kg (92ibs), he called me lazy and fat. I gave up trainings with him after three years.
And in 2-3 years I gained. I didn't weigh because I know I'll be crying and hating myself again, but I guess I've gained like 7-8kg. It's not much, but I can't stop hating myself. Diets destroy me, I stress a lot even if it's just common healthy diet with some sugary stuff and cafés NOT banned. It's so hard when you tend to overeat because of stress.
I'm lonely, I can't find love and partner. I have friends, but I need so much tome and effort to be with them. Decide for them, tolerate their attitude and support them. Most of my friends are neurodivergent and need special attitude and understanding, but I'm mentally exhausted to take care of them and accept their criticism of me being "the one healthy here".
I spent 10 days at my friend's place far in the countryside. She is diagnosed with ADHD, autistic disorder and anxiety disorder. I cooked, I washed the dishes, I cleaned the house, I woke her up every morning following strict routine for her to feel better. One day when her family came, they asked me: "How do you manage her?" I was ready to laugh and say that I simply appreciate her as she's my friend, but she said half-sleeping: "Oh, it's what he needs, not me. I don't care for that."
I was destroyed. It's me who needs to take care of her. That sounded awfully and I immediately fell into overeating. It was five days ago and I cannot stop overeating.
She criticises me a lot for being bad at drawing, for not training enough, for writing... Not good enough. That upsets me a lot. Due to her mental problems, she can't keep interested in anything for long, she picks on any imperfections in texts or art. I'm her closest friend and I'm too boring and too imperfect for her.
I just feel tired of myself being bad at everything. Being not successful, with a bit of overweight, hungry as fuck, with bad skinn and thin hair, tired mentally, in severe need of support and care, of people who can make decisions instead of me for a while. I'm in the gym right now, I'm doing my legs routine and can't stop crying. I feel so bad, I can't stop saying I'm a loser.
I know I'm not. I know I can be better. Being tired and unproductive isn't a crime. But... I wish my inner I stopped yelling at me.
I’m so sorry your friend treats you like that. To be honest that sounds like they need to work on themself some.
As for your art? It’s lovely, wonderful work.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/61858437/ This one? I adore the freckles, the hair is wonderful!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/61734795/ Again beautiful hair. The expression is soft and so wonderful
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/61683705/ do I need to mention the hair? Ah shoot I will. It’s wonderful! The expression, that slight smirk. Wonderful I love it.
Your use of color and background is wonderful. The way you do eyes are great. You’re a wonderful artist! I see nothing to complain of, perhaps I’m not as critical. But your art is wonderful, and a joy to see. I thank you for allowing me to see the art you produce.
I wish I could help with the words and the feelings. But I’m going through those myself. But I’m open to listen if you need an ear to vent to. I can be a silent listener, I can respond if you need that. I can do my best to give advice. But I can’t promise I’ll have any.
So just, please try and be kind to yourself. Don’t give up. People care and appreciate you
Honestly, your words helped a lot, especially the way you've attached some of my recent artworks. It's really sweet of you to point exactly on the things you think I do better than other stuff, so it made me much more confident while looking at my art! Even though smth can be wrong, I still have strong sides of my skill and style, so thank you so much qwq
And I super appreciate your support. Just noting that being tired and upset is OK is more than enough sometimes. I feel much better now, almost a week past the day I made the Journal.
Thank you so much one more time qwq
Thank you so much! Making things you like is the only thing that matters, so I bet you've made a right decision. The Minotaurs you draw are dang stylish and buff, keep on making handsome taurs <3
What an awful trainer, talking crap about you like that. You don't need him or his negative attitude.
It might be best if you took some time for yourself. You're putting so much energy into helping your friends that you dont have any left to help yourself. If she doesn't really want your help, then perhaps you should stop helping her. At least for a little while. I'm not saying you should stop being friends with her, I'm saying you should focus more on yourself.
I also had a inner voice that was extremely critical and negative of me, and it plagued me for years. One day at work, however, I somehow... put it in its place? I don't know how I did it, but I was in a bad mood that day and was fed up by my inner voice. I mentally yelled back at my inner voice, telling it to shut the fuck up. After that, it seemed to have died down and now only sometimes it criticizes me. It might have to do with willpower. Maybe it could work for you, too!
You don't need to be productive 24/7. Just enough to pay the bills is fine. If you need to rest and recover after doing work, then do it. Have something to eat. Something that's low in calories but tastes good and fills you up.
If you need to talk to someone, send me a note. I'll try my best to help you.
PS, Your art doesn't suck! You've made several great pieces and that's why i keep commissioning you!
I must admit I'm super impressed! Honestly, I read the comment the day you made it and remembered you advice today while I was in the gym! I got rather upset and self-critical again, but yelled on my inner voice saying that doing stuff is much cooler than doing nothing and oooooh how easier it got for me to continue my training! Thank you so much, I really need to practice this technique more often!
I'M ALSO SORRY YOU HAD TO SAY MY ART DON'T SUCK, I know it doesn't sound good when an artist says he's bad and commissioners are like "oh well". I used to think I was quite good, especially when I noticed some progress! However, I'm both lucky and unlucky to have a friend with good skills and knowledge who not only helps but reminds me I'm bad. She is good when we work together, when she shows me thing and explains, but she's very tough and never says anything good if the art isn't perfect (which's hard to make, let's be realistic). That really made me think worse about my art.
But I shouldn't pay attention to her estimating my art, we're having different views and attitude, so I'd better just ask her for a proper advice and not wait for a compliment. I know I do some things better than her (colour choices, for example), sooooo we can all be perfect but practicing makes us better!
Thank you so much one more time, aaaaa, I don't have enough words to describe how much I appreciate you supporting me and being around :> Sending hugs!
And... sounds to easy to say. But i really would like to havce a button to make all those feelings to go away. All i can say is i know a bit about feeling lie losing at life.isn't a pretty feeling. But i can say this for sure: It can be left behind. Is not easy. Is hard. But you can do it.
Yes! I try my best and it works!! I know I have such periods of time when I'm down, but I can keep myself together.
Thank you for your support! I also don't miss all the comments you make, love and appreciate all of them (even though I don't reply some of them, sorry XD)!
Also, your art is lovely! I think you’re my favorite artist I’ve ever worked with, and you’ve inspired me to improve my own art. I look forward to seeing what new works you can come up with, and seeing when I can have the funds to commission you again. Please never stop creating and being creative :o
YOU CANNOT BE THAT KIND AAAAA
I'm in love with most of your characters, especially Sakura!
I'll keep on becoming better and better, keep my word! Thank you so much qwq