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Wake Me Up When September Ends
3 years ago
General
That's not a joke title by the way, I really do just wanna be in a coma until this month is done and over with.
I didn't say much about the move in my last journal because I'm not looking forward to it. I was really hoping we were going to be staying here at least another year. My folks and I move quite frequently, but we're not use to shedding the hermit shell for at least 4-5 years. We barely made it to 3. The new house we're moving to is much bigger and better and I should be overjoyed, but I'm not.
My depression has been getting more creative lately. Use to be that my brain would just go; "Well you're gonna die someday and there is no afterlife so it's just eternal darkness for the rest of forever. Also at some point the suns gonna explode and then all life that we've discovered in the known universe will cease to exist. You're also gonna die alone because no woman will ever ask you out and you're too much of a chickenshit coward to ask them out either." Like, yeah you're right. You win again, depression.... But as of late all I can think is, well we better not get too comfy at this new place because we're just gonna lose it anyway. Why even unpack?
I've been steadily packing over the course of the last 2 months because I knew we were gonna be moving soon. That way, I wouldn't get bummed and overwhelmed by doing it all at once. There was absolutely no point in doing that though, because my mom decided that we ALL will pack the stressful way by doing it all at once, which is how we spent most of the day today. I'm so over moving. I don't wanna do it anymore. So this time I've decided to bite the bullet and hire movers. It's gonna be about $1800 for the cheapest ones I could find. Despite taking the full extent of the bill, this still isn't good enough for the rest of the people in the house as I guess I was also supposed to hire packers as well. I've also been trying to coordinate a day in which the movers will arrive after we receive the new keys. But even that has been exceedingly difficult as everyone is unsure on whether we should be staying here another full month or not. Not to mention I already took a week off of work to focus on this shit. Yet they still act like they're the only ones in the house who have jobs. I'm hiring movers and it's STILL not good enough....
The one thing I've heard over and over again is "Why do you still live with your parents? Your 34. Surely you should leave the nest." Something along those lines. One: I live in California. Living by yourself in LA County is just NOT possible. I'd need to find a good room mate and I have trust issues. Two: My family and I have always functioned better as a unit. We all pay our fair share... some more than others. But we make it work through the good times and the mostly bad times. Three: Nobody else loves me or cares. I don't have any other family. My grandparents are all dead and my aunts and uncles want nothing to do with our side of the family. And as I've said time and time again, I've never been in love. I have 2 good friends in real life, but that's it. So what little love still remains in this family is all I've got.
Art shall continue to be practically non-existent during this time, which sucks because I should be getting a jump start on Halloween and fall pictures which are my favorite. Sorry about that. I'm so sick of this life shit. I just want it to be over.
I didn't say much about the move in my last journal because I'm not looking forward to it. I was really hoping we were going to be staying here at least another year. My folks and I move quite frequently, but we're not use to shedding the hermit shell for at least 4-5 years. We barely made it to 3. The new house we're moving to is much bigger and better and I should be overjoyed, but I'm not.
My depression has been getting more creative lately. Use to be that my brain would just go; "Well you're gonna die someday and there is no afterlife so it's just eternal darkness for the rest of forever. Also at some point the suns gonna explode and then all life that we've discovered in the known universe will cease to exist. You're also gonna die alone because no woman will ever ask you out and you're too much of a chickenshit coward to ask them out either." Like, yeah you're right. You win again, depression.... But as of late all I can think is, well we better not get too comfy at this new place because we're just gonna lose it anyway. Why even unpack?
I've been steadily packing over the course of the last 2 months because I knew we were gonna be moving soon. That way, I wouldn't get bummed and overwhelmed by doing it all at once. There was absolutely no point in doing that though, because my mom decided that we ALL will pack the stressful way by doing it all at once, which is how we spent most of the day today. I'm so over moving. I don't wanna do it anymore. So this time I've decided to bite the bullet and hire movers. It's gonna be about $1800 for the cheapest ones I could find. Despite taking the full extent of the bill, this still isn't good enough for the rest of the people in the house as I guess I was also supposed to hire packers as well. I've also been trying to coordinate a day in which the movers will arrive after we receive the new keys. But even that has been exceedingly difficult as everyone is unsure on whether we should be staying here another full month or not. Not to mention I already took a week off of work to focus on this shit. Yet they still act like they're the only ones in the house who have jobs. I'm hiring movers and it's STILL not good enough....
The one thing I've heard over and over again is "Why do you still live with your parents? Your 34. Surely you should leave the nest." Something along those lines. One: I live in California. Living by yourself in LA County is just NOT possible. I'd need to find a good room mate and I have trust issues. Two: My family and I have always functioned better as a unit. We all pay our fair share... some more than others. But we make it work through the good times and the mostly bad times. Three: Nobody else loves me or cares. I don't have any other family. My grandparents are all dead and my aunts and uncles want nothing to do with our side of the family. And as I've said time and time again, I've never been in love. I have 2 good friends in real life, but that's it. So what little love still remains in this family is all I've got.
Art shall continue to be practically non-existent during this time, which sucks because I should be getting a jump start on Halloween and fall pictures which are my favorite. Sorry about that. I'm so sick of this life shit. I just want it to be over.
It sounds like you're having an awful time, I hope it starts to fall into a proper place soon. But there's no shame in any of your feelings, its definitely understandable.