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(HELP) What Do I Even Do?
3 years ago
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patreon http://www.patreon.com/lilythekitsune
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subscribestar https://subscribestar.adult/lilythekitsune
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subscribestarHello everyone.
First off, just wanna say that this journal isn't an emergency or anything dire. However, it's important that I try and discuss it as soon as possible because things have gotten...difficult? Yeah, we'll go with difficult.
So, for starts, I turned 30. Not really an issue or anything but I'm 30 and I feel as though I haven't done anything in my life. I'm disabled, I have no IRL friends, and I can't drive (due to the disability) and can't get a job for the same reason. It's why I've done commissions for the past decade plus. It's all I CAN do and all I COULD do. A few years ago when I moved back home, you might remember I opened for emergency commissions what felt like every single week. I charged pennies for my art and we couldn't make ends meet. People harassed and attacked me over this and I still haven't really recovered. What do you do when you just never have money, and the times you DID have a little extra, you got scolded for buying something small?
Lately, things have been better. My Patreon is slowly taking off (thank you all so damn much!) and bills are...still a bit difficult but I feel everyone's in that boat thanks to the pandemic. I lost my house I was renting, I had to move states, and then things got so bad that I had to move back home because even with a roommate and my husband working full-time and me doing comms, we couldn't afford a one bedroom apartment in the slums. My dad lost HIS dad and since then he's been drowning in bills and a back injury has left him unable to work nothing more than small jobs, but they don't pay the bills.
Now, you're probably like "okay money is tight for everyone, what's the issue?"
Believe it or not, it's not about the money. I'm used to struggling, and lovely furries always come along and help me should I need to open for a comm here or there.
My main issue is...burnout.
Rather, it's more like...I don't WANT to draw. I know I need to, it's my job, but lately I just can't concentrate. Everything feels stale and weak and my art, while improving, just never really stands out? I just think that if my art was on the front page with a bunch of other artists', I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Plus, with how hostile fandom is, I'm too afraid to draw MOST of the stuff I want to, for fear of being accused of being this or that. I'm already on a few furry watchlists, I don't wanna be on any more for things I'm not or haven't done. But...alas. Obviously, I'm working on commissions and Patreon stuff but it kind of feels like...I dunno.
I guess the easiest way to explain it is I've fallen out of love with the furry fandom. I don't connect with my characters, I don't have any friends in the fandom these days, and whenever I think about trying to branch out, I just don't feel welcome or wanted. I've lost so many friends over the past years and while most of it was my fault when I was in tough times and snippy, the other half was just...circumstance. Friends move on and separate, and some friends moved on to greener pastures, or only use Telegram. I've tried to be more known and get out there but I'm shockingly shy and don't really feel like I should speak in a conversation unless I'm invited or pinged (which yeah, explains why I never answer folks--I truly don't see messages otherwise).
I don't have fun drawing furry stuff anymore and I know I need to to survive. But what do I do when my hands and mind and heart don't wanna all work together? I don't feel like I can work on commissions if my heart isn't in it and I get so paralyzed with 'why bother?' that I get behind on work. I tried my best to catch up after I moved and was a few weeks behind but the gap got wider and wider. I owe Patreon rewards from months ago and I don't know if I'll ever catch up. I don't like letting people down, and I definitely don't like feeling like a failure.
I tried branching out. I joined other fandoms, I started trying to draw fanart and art for myself. I'm even a Vtuber now and stream on Twitch! But, I don't know, I just really don't feel all that comfortable, safe, or happy in the furry fandom. I don't feel like my art's good enough to impress people or get me noticed. I've been on FA and Twitter for YEARS and my numbers have barely gone up. People stopped commenting and favoriting, people only care about the comic pages (which is fine!) but it's just a reminder that I'm behind on Patreon work. I try and play games and unwind but I have people DMing me about updates for the comic, or asking during streams (which I want to be distanced FROM my furry life--PLEASE stop calling me Lily on stream) and I just get tired.
I'm afraid. I don't know of what, just that I am. I can hardly pick up a tablet pen these days. My art's feeling stagnant, people don't ever seem all that happy about it anymore, and honestly social media's got me feeling useless. 800 watchers after TWELVE YEARS? That's all I have to show for it...? Twelve years of drawing comics and porn and commissions and I only have 800 watchers on Twitter? To be honest, it's heartbreaking. I feel useless. I feel like others are way better and there's no denying that. I'm just TIRED.
I want the art vibes to return to me. I want to draw again and be happy, make some friends, be PROUD of a canvas. And yet, I can't. I'm burnt out. I'm exhausted. I'm drained creatively. And I don't know what to do. What DO I even do?
I guess, the gist is: what do you do when you no longer are happy with the thing that BROUGHT you happiness but you can't take a break because it's your livelihood.
First off, just wanna say that this journal isn't an emergency or anything dire. However, it's important that I try and discuss it as soon as possible because things have gotten...difficult? Yeah, we'll go with difficult.
So, for starts, I turned 30. Not really an issue or anything but I'm 30 and I feel as though I haven't done anything in my life. I'm disabled, I have no IRL friends, and I can't drive (due to the disability) and can't get a job for the same reason. It's why I've done commissions for the past decade plus. It's all I CAN do and all I COULD do. A few years ago when I moved back home, you might remember I opened for emergency commissions what felt like every single week. I charged pennies for my art and we couldn't make ends meet. People harassed and attacked me over this and I still haven't really recovered. What do you do when you just never have money, and the times you DID have a little extra, you got scolded for buying something small?
Lately, things have been better. My Patreon is slowly taking off (thank you all so damn much!) and bills are...still a bit difficult but I feel everyone's in that boat thanks to the pandemic. I lost my house I was renting, I had to move states, and then things got so bad that I had to move back home because even with a roommate and my husband working full-time and me doing comms, we couldn't afford a one bedroom apartment in the slums. My dad lost HIS dad and since then he's been drowning in bills and a back injury has left him unable to work nothing more than small jobs, but they don't pay the bills.
Now, you're probably like "okay money is tight for everyone, what's the issue?"
Believe it or not, it's not about the money. I'm used to struggling, and lovely furries always come along and help me should I need to open for a comm here or there.
My main issue is...burnout.
Rather, it's more like...I don't WANT to draw. I know I need to, it's my job, but lately I just can't concentrate. Everything feels stale and weak and my art, while improving, just never really stands out? I just think that if my art was on the front page with a bunch of other artists', I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Plus, with how hostile fandom is, I'm too afraid to draw MOST of the stuff I want to, for fear of being accused of being this or that. I'm already on a few furry watchlists, I don't wanna be on any more for things I'm not or haven't done. But...alas. Obviously, I'm working on commissions and Patreon stuff but it kind of feels like...I dunno.
I guess the easiest way to explain it is I've fallen out of love with the furry fandom. I don't connect with my characters, I don't have any friends in the fandom these days, and whenever I think about trying to branch out, I just don't feel welcome or wanted. I've lost so many friends over the past years and while most of it was my fault when I was in tough times and snippy, the other half was just...circumstance. Friends move on and separate, and some friends moved on to greener pastures, or only use Telegram. I've tried to be more known and get out there but I'm shockingly shy and don't really feel like I should speak in a conversation unless I'm invited or pinged (which yeah, explains why I never answer folks--I truly don't see messages otherwise).
I don't have fun drawing furry stuff anymore and I know I need to to survive. But what do I do when my hands and mind and heart don't wanna all work together? I don't feel like I can work on commissions if my heart isn't in it and I get so paralyzed with 'why bother?' that I get behind on work. I tried my best to catch up after I moved and was a few weeks behind but the gap got wider and wider. I owe Patreon rewards from months ago and I don't know if I'll ever catch up. I don't like letting people down, and I definitely don't like feeling like a failure.
I tried branching out. I joined other fandoms, I started trying to draw fanart and art for myself. I'm even a Vtuber now and stream on Twitch! But, I don't know, I just really don't feel all that comfortable, safe, or happy in the furry fandom. I don't feel like my art's good enough to impress people or get me noticed. I've been on FA and Twitter for YEARS and my numbers have barely gone up. People stopped commenting and favoriting, people only care about the comic pages (which is fine!) but it's just a reminder that I'm behind on Patreon work. I try and play games and unwind but I have people DMing me about updates for the comic, or asking during streams (which I want to be distanced FROM my furry life--PLEASE stop calling me Lily on stream) and I just get tired.
I'm afraid. I don't know of what, just that I am. I can hardly pick up a tablet pen these days. My art's feeling stagnant, people don't ever seem all that happy about it anymore, and honestly social media's got me feeling useless. 800 watchers after TWELVE YEARS? That's all I have to show for it...? Twelve years of drawing comics and porn and commissions and I only have 800 watchers on Twitter? To be honest, it's heartbreaking. I feel useless. I feel like others are way better and there's no denying that. I'm just TIRED.
I want the art vibes to return to me. I want to draw again and be happy, make some friends, be PROUD of a canvas. And yet, I can't. I'm burnt out. I'm exhausted. I'm drained creatively. And I don't know what to do. What DO I even do?
I guess, the gist is: what do you do when you no longer are happy with the thing that BROUGHT you happiness but you can't take a break because it's your livelihood.
For managing burnout, it's important to have "work mode" and "nonwork mode", and to cultivate your area to support that. I work from home myself, and I have a separate area that I work in (and only there) whereas when I play games, it's somewhere else.
Anything you can do to have "an office" will help you separate work from nonwork. You might not be able to have a separate space, but try to do something. Change your desktop background, hang a curtain, anything to simulate a different physical space. Listen to different music, so on and so forth.
Try the pomodoro technique too.
And sometimes, you need a break.
Furry is a very harsh and opinionated fandom that has many wonderful people involved but because we are so inclusive, we also leave room to harbor individuals that are insecure or feel the need to degrade others out of either boredom or malice. Unfortunately, there are many who share the same sentiment who prey upon others for their sick amusement.
I know many of us who have been following, commissioning, and interacting with you will surely miss you if you leave but if it will better your life, please do not stay for us. I can’t speak for everyone but I would not want someone to stick around for my sake if that meant they would be miserable. Choose happiness for yourself wherever it may be or derive from.
I sincerely hope you may find peace and success in the future. Maybe pop-in once in a while and check in on your regulars who enjoy your company and relay any labeling boundaries from aliases or OC’s that might bring hardship to your mental health.
I have admittedly been absent from commissioning you in fear of adding to your workload and overwhelming you further. Life has also kept me busy and drained but I confide in my husband for strength to keep fighting the battles that come our way. I’m sorry that I don’t have a wonderful solution or idea that can skyrocket you to where I (and most if not all your followers) believe you belong to be.
Apologies for the long response but I wanted you to know that I appreciate all that you’ve done for us and please take care of yourself. You are and always will be one of my favorite artists and individuals to see updates from. I wish you well and truly hope you can find peace with the craze that is the artist world.
💚❤️
and as weird as it might sound if you only sleep so that you have slept then you might still not have gotten the sleep you need no matter how much you sleep and that can also increase feelings of burnout and the feeling of ''why bother''
the act of unwinding can be very hard to do if you dont let the pressure on your mind ACTULLY unwind and thus just making you believe you did while it builds up while remaining unaware of it
i cant do it fx without doing absolute nothing(no phone reading manga and stuff either) with my head on a pillow for 5~20 minutes
so you might wanna ask yourself about wether you are letting your mind getting the rest it needs for it sounds like you dont
to also give an actual answer to the question about what to do when you aint happy about what you love to do.........
i do it anyway.... stupid as it might sound i just keep doing it cause i know i love it but just forgot the feeling that caused me to love it so i keep doing it till i recreate that feeling
and ive done it a dozen times before and its the same everytime
like driving a car till the tires are all used up and horrible to drive with but you keep driving till you find a place to replace them but its still the same car and you still love that car the tires just makes it really hard to keep loving the car because they are horrible to drive with when they have burned out all the rubber so just gotta keep driving till you find something to replace the rubber or another car you can love just as much but really its easier to replace the wheels
i do hope that made sense and will be of help
and stop giving a fuck about what people say on the internet for they are just not worth your time if all they do is insult you