Returning to this page from our last adventure, you would expect I would have hung the towel up by now. Yet, here I remain. Whether for better or worse, I take a deep breath, push the thoughts down, and brush my fingers over the keys once more. There are several other obstacles I had an ordeal with before, during, and still persisting after the breakdown period, but at this time they are unimportant to the subject of this journal and will not add value to those who may learn of them, but rather I imagine drain them like they did me. Rather, I would like to share with you some of the endeavors I have indulged in in my attempt to swim back to the surface. This will be more straight-forward topics rather than written like a story or poetry, but informative is the purpose of my typing here today.

New Content
Feeling stagnant with my creativity and content I was producing - whether being caused by the depression, medication, general loss of interest, or all of the above - I have begun practicing with a few new mediums to circumnavigate the riptides that tore at my ankles to join them once more below.
- I returned to the sketchbook, pencil in hand, to focus more on general shapes, practices, and concepts instead of feeling the need to make every piece I make on the digital tablet be a "finished" piece.
- Alongside the sketchbook, I acquired a calligraphy ink pen, and began to learn the process of inking, cross-hatching, and the balance of light and shadows in a composition to really push the contrast values and define what information is needed in a piece to tell the story without overdetailing it.
- Transitioning away from the digital canvas, I moved to the physical cotton stretched one. Acquiring a basic oil paint kit to began, I attempted oil painting for the first time in my life. I found (honestly, to my own surprise) I had a deeper understanding of the medium than I anticipated. This was reinforced by the the reactions from friends/family, claiming the quality of it was far more than they expected given the difficulty of the medium. My mother, in the best intentions but worst delivery, called it "the best real art" I had ever produced, which made me raise a brow and ask with a chuckle, "then what have I been making up this point?". Her bumbling of words as she attempted to rectify her phrasing only made the conversation more entertaining.
- Using my knowledge of 3D art, models, and animation, I finally acquired a 3D printer (Ender 3 S1) for my use in producing 3D prints of works. The process from Blender to the printer has not been as smooth as I had hoped, but fortunately I have grown experienced printing models published on the other free sites (and some very high detailed ones that were gifted to me). Different materials, detail levels, machine tinkering, and more are all variables I am continuing to learn and master.
- Beyond just printing the 3D pieces, I have also began painting some with acrylic paint, bringing some of the better prints to life with vibrant colors, washes, and more. They may never seen a playmat of a tabletop game, but nevertheless I am content leaning about the different paint layers and how to detail something so small or intricate. For those who have done miniature painting before, you can understand the struggle of trying to not make your character look cross-eyed using a single fiber of your fine paintbrush.
- I began to dabble in crocheting, since I found that I was not finding any value in the sewing process or products at this time, namely because my main sewing projects are cosplay that have not been used since 2019 when COVID began. I picked up this medium in particular to aid my roommate/best friend because he wanted to learn how to crochet, and the videos/pictures were not doing it for him. So learning alongside him and being able to physically point out loops will help and be a good creative outlet we can enjoy together. He deserves a positive creative outlook and overall good things, and I want to make sure I can help him where I can.

3D Animations/Renders
My flame of creative content in regards to 3D renders and animations is not yet extinguished. However, I was finding every time I opened the programs that the anxiety of the scale of the projects, the time commitment versus output, and so, so many program errors and bugs were causing me to lose any sense of creativity or joy in the medium. This burnout was the product of making this content the central focus of my work for many years, and taking on too much at once and becoming overwhelmed, to the point where I could not bring myself to open the program without the fear that a simple gust would blow the creative wick out for good. I have not given up on the medium, or the existing projects, but by making the other mediums the focus, it has helped me avoid officially throwing the programs into the recycling bin on my desktop and not looking back. The burnout will slowly crack and heal, but forcing it too quickly will leave those scars vibrant on my skin , where no amount of disassociating or commitment can make them dissipate.

What's Next?
In regards to the next steps to expect from me and my content, I have many things planned to finish, share, and create.
- I have a massive backlog of content I have been posting to the Patreon that I have not yet shared publicly. I fortunately have them all organized in a datasheet, to make sure I don't miss anything important. Uploading to FA can be an extremely tedious process for many pieces, where a simple click and it will be very hard to discover it ever again from one's submission inbox unless they know exactly who created it, all the while the reception and feedback feels as if only the few who attempt it do so by writing on the glass of the exhibits displays...many of which are just squiggles of phallic material. Twitter is a black insatiable void for artists, where you can toss your content into the black well, where it may shimmer for a moment for people to glimpse, before disappearing from any public eye and only capable of being found for the few who are devoted enough to throw on their dive suits and search through the individual profiles' media tweets. In addition, the newer over-strict new placeholders on images containing "suggestive content" when there may not even exist makes sharing anything a complete hit and miss, depending on where the blue bird wishes their algorithms to display it.
- I will continue my work with my graphic novel, Blue Fang featuring Viktor and JAX. My previous process of drawing pages was a bit too tedious/not properly rendered, so I will continue to experiment and find a happy medium. The page drafting stage is the slowest, followed by the inking, so if I were able to combine the efforts it would prove fruitful. Otherwise, I have found good process with certain allies, who I would love to explore with deeper if they are so willing.
- Our team is continuing their work with RagnarokVR, but have been scheduled with other individual projects, plus my mental issues with the 3D software I listed above. With a project board in place and proper coordination, we may be able to push our next update by the end of the year, but no promises: Unreal Engine can be a cruel bastard with their code.
- Several commissions I have are already in the WIP stages, including but not limited to several animations, 3D renders, illustrations, and some miscellaneous works.*
- Many WIP pieces or concepts organized that are all on different stages of completion, included but not limited to: animations, 3D renders, illustrations, sequences, comics, costumes, 3D printing, and more.
- The foundations for the next YCH are in place, and I plan on making YCH based pieces more frequently to help balance the other projects in regards to new character designs, art styles, finances, and commission queues.
- With my explorations into painting, and a few successful test pieces, I may open up for physical canvas oil painting commissions. This can be as simple as a small square portrait on canvas board to a larger stretched canvas box pieces. The pricing and frequency of these commissions are still yet to be determined - based on lack of examples to compare to, and the values of other variables such as time/materials/shipping/etc. - but given their uniqueness and the attention they have gotten from some folks already, I would like to explore it deeper so people can get a really cool unique commission to frame on the wall. You may expect to see them published publicly soon so you may judge for yourself.
- I still have Mietere Merch available on Etsy, where I have manufactured and ready to ship products including stickers, keychains, and more. I hope to add 3D prints soon, once I can properly finalize the production timeline from software to physical.

*Note: For those who have commissions from me that are paid for (partially or fully), I want to express my sincere apologies for the untimely output. I shared my reasons for the delays in this journal and the previous, but that still does not justify the content from a business perspective. If you would like to contact me to discuss your commission in regards to its current WIP status, work queue order, changing the content parameters/subject/themes, or for partial or full refunds, please reach out to me through FA, Twitter, Discord, or Telegram.

Socials
I will continue to be using Twitch as my main social outreach for streaming arts and games with Raskus the Turian. I have found a good community of support, a way for me to once again enjoy games without feeling guilt that I am "not working" (even if I had already worked 60-80 hours, which is normal per week), a lot of sweet memories and clip shenanigans, fun community game days, direct support and feedback from the community, and the ability to stream my artwork in real-time as it is produced. It is the most up-to-date and most commonly used social for me at this time, partnering with the Raskus Rambles Discord for my Twitch and Patreon communities. If you would like to chat directly with me, stay the most updated on new content, meet a community of wonderful people, or just to throw fish at my head while I am streaming, please check out the Discord and Twitch links provided below:

https://Twitch.tv/RaskusRambles
https://Discord.gg/RaskusRambles

Reflection
Even with the positive outlook ahead, there are still a plethora of other deep pits of dread that do not have any handrails around them that I am attempting to cross. I fear that for most of them, the trek across each will take many months - if not years - to overcome them, where until I find my footing will be treacherous, eager to seize me in their brutal maws if I slip. But with each step I take forward to overcome these challenges, I become a better and stronger person so that I can help extend a rope to others crossing similar pits, because they do not deserve to cross them alone. Every day as I settle myself into bed, uneager to witness the new nightmares that linger in my peripheral until I am at my weakest, the only thing I can do is fulfill my potential everyday in order to better myself and those around me. I come to terms a bit more everyday with these new monsters that chew away at my mind, their saliva laced with doubts and despair that settle into the fractures they leave behind, for I know that my purpose is to help others and provide the guidance and support they need so they may too fulfill their potential. This ideology radiates most brightly with my "Alpha Pup" mentality, where the alpha aspect is not about control, or power, or an ego-trip as so many seem to treat it, but rather - as the author Ayesha Siddiqi expressed it - for me to "become the person I needed when I was younger". A lot of misguidance, misinformation, and mistrust was thrown into me from others who only viewed the world from their perspective, leaving me only more alone with the new monsters that arose around me. Becoming the person I needed to be for myself when I was younger is how I will fulfill my potential, so I may help others find theirs...pup masks not required.

I want to once more thank *you* - yes, the one reading this - for taking the time to not only check on me and my content, but for showing you care by reaching this point. Also, to all those who reached out to me directly through comments or direct messages. Your support is what keeps me going - very literally - so I couldn't be where I am today without you. Thank you.

Maybe you will take a moment once this paragraph has concluded to indulge yourself into thinking about what your potential is and how you could fulfill it. Perhaps you already know. Maybe you don't really care. But know that I am proud of you for making this far in life, for accomplishing and experiencing and learning so much, and you are still here. We all have dark tides that take over, but it is a lot easier to reach the surface if you have someone that cares for you offers you their hand from above. At points you may be the one sunk below, or the one reaching from above. And sometimes, by becoming that support you needed, you can be the one to extend a hand and pull yourself upward to breach the surface once more.