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Self-Vent (I Hated Myself)
3 years ago
Okay, so I know it's almost one full year since my heinous actions toward my former friend, and in case you didn't know, read my journal to find out: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10087058/
Anyway, the guilt that was burning up inside me wouldn't want me to wait a whole year before I would write this journal, so here it is. I have had every regret of what I did to my former friend almost a year ago, and I've hated what I did to her, and I've hated myself for doing that to her. More than that, there were previous reprehensible actions that I've made before last year. 2 years ago, mostly on Discord, I was on a road to a dark path. I crossed over to the darkest side. I have done terrible things to a few people, especially my now-former friends, and to put it more simply, I was an asshole. A maniacal, childish, creepy asshole.
I know that I was a monster back then, but even monsters can feel pain too. What I've done to everyone has hurt me more than it did to them, and that explains the pain of regret that I've felt every wrong action I have made against them. You see, there is a saying in Newton's third law, which says "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction", and the people I've hurt have had many opposite reactions to my previous actions. My actions have caused me to lose my old friends while I was blocked multiple times by different people, and during that time, I had realized while looking in the mirror, that the only person who's left to blame for all of this is myself. I honestly never asked for all of this. All I had in front of me was a choice, and I've chose the wrong choice, which led me on a wrong path and also led me to make such stupid decisions.
I spent every day, night, week, and month wishing that I could take it all back. I also realized that 2020 wasn't just my worst year ever. I realized that I have made 2020 my worst year ever because of the worst decisions that I have made that have affected a lot of people. The point is, I have done terrible things to a few people. I have also ended 2021 on a sour note because of the actions I have made that have affected my former friends, because I was acting like my 2020 self, who had made me forget who I really was. Because deep down, I'm only human. I'm only a man with a heart, soul, and conscience. My old friend, who has left social media due to controversial events different than what I faced back then, had seen the goodness inside of me. He knew that I was a good person deep down, and deep inside my heart lies a spark of holy flame that can ignite and purify my soul, and that cannot be replaced by my past actions as it seems.
The actions that I have made in 2020 have caused me to hate myself with a hot, boiling, and burning passion so very deep inside, that it flowed through my veins just like my own blood, and still I am here writing this journal because now I know somewhere deep within my heart, there is still pure goodness inside of me. Right now, I know I have faith in myself, just like my friends have faith in me, and for my former friends that have lost faith in me, I'm asking God right now to change the faith they've once had in me. I understand right now that right now is too soon for reconciliation, forgiveness, or second chances, even if it has been one whole year, so I have to let the scars I have left on them heal before the right time comes, which is why I'm not asking to be forgiven right now. To my current friends, I just wanted you to understand where I'm coming from. To my former friends who are willing to forgive and reconcile with me, I'm not asking for it right now, but I would appreciate it if you did. And to my former friends who are still holding a grudge against me and won't forgive me anytime soon, I have already understood, as my best hope is that we would never have to interact with each other again.
If it is one thing that I have learned a couple months ago, it's that you can forgive yourself for what you did, but you can never forgive your actions. Reason being is that the only person who can forgive me for my past actions is me, because right now, it's going to take maybe a longer time before the people I have hurt in the past would ever even think about forgiving me, because they're right about me. I really do need help. I could contact a therapist, get featured on A&E Intervention, or even get featured on Iyanla's Fix My Life, but most of all, I need professional help, period, because back then, I have let my personal inner demons manifest my mind and made me do something that I would regret for the rest of my life. My 2020 self was like his Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll, and I have let it manifest the year before 2020 and late 2021, but I need to do figure out what kind of treatment I need to help my exorcise my inner and personal demons.
Most of all however, I am still on the road to redemption, so right now I would say that the journey hasn't ended yet. It's still ongoing. As of right now, the healing process is continuing for all the people that I have hurt in the past, especially late last year. I know in my heart that I have changed my evil ways for the better of my future, and I will continue to be the better man as I have already atoned and repented for my past wrongdoings. I might have lost my way before, but I have found it once again. So ladies and gentlemen, this is all I have left to get off of my chest, and I thank you all for reading this journal.
Anyway, the guilt that was burning up inside me wouldn't want me to wait a whole year before I would write this journal, so here it is. I have had every regret of what I did to my former friend almost a year ago, and I've hated what I did to her, and I've hated myself for doing that to her. More than that, there were previous reprehensible actions that I've made before last year. 2 years ago, mostly on Discord, I was on a road to a dark path. I crossed over to the darkest side. I have done terrible things to a few people, especially my now-former friends, and to put it more simply, I was an asshole. A maniacal, childish, creepy asshole.
I know that I was a monster back then, but even monsters can feel pain too. What I've done to everyone has hurt me more than it did to them, and that explains the pain of regret that I've felt every wrong action I have made against them. You see, there is a saying in Newton's third law, which says "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction", and the people I've hurt have had many opposite reactions to my previous actions. My actions have caused me to lose my old friends while I was blocked multiple times by different people, and during that time, I had realized while looking in the mirror, that the only person who's left to blame for all of this is myself. I honestly never asked for all of this. All I had in front of me was a choice, and I've chose the wrong choice, which led me on a wrong path and also led me to make such stupid decisions.
I spent every day, night, week, and month wishing that I could take it all back. I also realized that 2020 wasn't just my worst year ever. I realized that I have made 2020 my worst year ever because of the worst decisions that I have made that have affected a lot of people. The point is, I have done terrible things to a few people. I have also ended 2021 on a sour note because of the actions I have made that have affected my former friends, because I was acting like my 2020 self, who had made me forget who I really was. Because deep down, I'm only human. I'm only a man with a heart, soul, and conscience. My old friend, who has left social media due to controversial events different than what I faced back then, had seen the goodness inside of me. He knew that I was a good person deep down, and deep inside my heart lies a spark of holy flame that can ignite and purify my soul, and that cannot be replaced by my past actions as it seems.
The actions that I have made in 2020 have caused me to hate myself with a hot, boiling, and burning passion so very deep inside, that it flowed through my veins just like my own blood, and still I am here writing this journal because now I know somewhere deep within my heart, there is still pure goodness inside of me. Right now, I know I have faith in myself, just like my friends have faith in me, and for my former friends that have lost faith in me, I'm asking God right now to change the faith they've once had in me. I understand right now that right now is too soon for reconciliation, forgiveness, or second chances, even if it has been one whole year, so I have to let the scars I have left on them heal before the right time comes, which is why I'm not asking to be forgiven right now. To my current friends, I just wanted you to understand where I'm coming from. To my former friends who are willing to forgive and reconcile with me, I'm not asking for it right now, but I would appreciate it if you did. And to my former friends who are still holding a grudge against me and won't forgive me anytime soon, I have already understood, as my best hope is that we would never have to interact with each other again.
If it is one thing that I have learned a couple months ago, it's that you can forgive yourself for what you did, but you can never forgive your actions. Reason being is that the only person who can forgive me for my past actions is me, because right now, it's going to take maybe a longer time before the people I have hurt in the past would ever even think about forgiving me, because they're right about me. I really do need help. I could contact a therapist, get featured on A&E Intervention, or even get featured on Iyanla's Fix My Life, but most of all, I need professional help, period, because back then, I have let my personal inner demons manifest my mind and made me do something that I would regret for the rest of my life. My 2020 self was like his Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll, and I have let it manifest the year before 2020 and late 2021, but I need to do figure out what kind of treatment I need to help my exorcise my inner and personal demons.
Most of all however, I am still on the road to redemption, so right now I would say that the journey hasn't ended yet. It's still ongoing. As of right now, the healing process is continuing for all the people that I have hurt in the past, especially late last year. I know in my heart that I have changed my evil ways for the better of my future, and I will continue to be the better man as I have already atoned and repented for my past wrongdoings. I might have lost my way before, but I have found it once again. So ladies and gentlemen, this is all I have left to get off of my chest, and I thank you all for reading this journal.
