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3 years ago
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patreon http://www.patreon.com/lilythekitsune
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subscribestarWant to preface this by saying it might be very rant-y and isn't important though I'd like people to read it, anyways.
Over the past twelve years, I've taken commissions. It's no surprise I'm disabled, and truthfully, it's the only job I can get. I've never been very helpful to my family because I make meager savings, and I always owe so much in taxes at the end of the year, I spend the next year paying it all off. Freelance is tough, and people always say 'but you draw for a living it can't be that difficult." And...in some ways, it's not. But in a lot of ways, it is.
I've mentioned for the past, maybe five years now, that I've been burnt out. Art used to be fun and it's now such a chore. I'm always drowning. I can never get ahead of work, I can never stockpile enough comic pages or get Patreon rewards out and clients are stuck waiting months for commissions when I used to do them in a day. And truthfully, I don't find my art appealing. It always feels so flat, so lifeless, I couldn't even pick it out of a crowd. But I don't know how to fix it. I've watched tutorials, studied from artists I enjoy, gone back to basics--nothing. It all feel so...wrong. Some people say it's because you're about to 'level up' with your art and your body is stuck trying to find out the next step and maybe that's it. I think it's more than likely the burn out.
Even lately with wing-its, I haven't felt much joy in them. People are getting upset they're artistic freedom and others are getting upset at the prices when I used to be so 'cheap'. I keep trying to 'budget' myself and make schedules, so that I don't bite off more than I can chew, but it's been insanely rough. Between my dog needing surgery and moving back home to an awful work and living environment, and my own medical and mental health issues, it's nigh impossible to feel happy or even proud of my work.
I keep angering clients and I keep dropping Patrons like flies and I know it's my fault. I can only apologize and promise to work harder but the tide is getting higher and I'm up to my neck in water. I can't take a break and recuperate because I have bills to pay and I can't just sit and study and do tutorials and such for myself because then people get mad I'm relaxing. I also have to stream full time and that just makes people more upset because I'm 'gaming' when I should be working--which I am. I'm frustrated and exhausted and I don't know what to do.
Now, I want to 100% be clear I am not blaming clients or Patrons. This is not their fault and they have every right to be upset with me. I've dropped the ball so badly since May and I'm STILL catching up on stuff from the move. I also need to work on commissions and comic pages and that takes up an annoyingly long amount of time, made double when I can hardly pick up a pen these days. Between the exhaustion, the burn out, the arthritis, and the fatigue, it's an ugly cocktail.
But the point of this journal is to say there might be changes soon. I might stop taking commissions for a while or open up a new type for my own sanity. Maybe some B/W sketches or something cheaper than wing-its. Maybe just do YCHs for a while or adoptables, focus on those while I do Patreon stuff, I'm unsure. The point is, I've been unhappy for a long time and I don't quite fit in with the fandom. I stopped making friends since every one I DID befriend either backstabbed me or just made me feel like shit, only used me for collabs or freebies and then left when they got someone better. As such, it's been lonely and I've felt detached from the fandom and I think it's affecting my work. I've holed myself up and tried not to let out too much personal info cuz folks love using it against me in the end.
I just wanna draw and make art people enjoy and honestly, it feels like I can't even do that right lately and I'm sorry. This isn't meant to be a pity party but an explanation. I AM sorry, for taking forever and for maybe letting folks down with their commissions they've received. However, I want to say thank you to all for donating to help Sundance and for being wonderful patrons and fans. Every like and comment means so much to me and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can find a way to alleviate some stress and bounce back soon.
Over the past twelve years, I've taken commissions. It's no surprise I'm disabled, and truthfully, it's the only job I can get. I've never been very helpful to my family because I make meager savings, and I always owe so much in taxes at the end of the year, I spend the next year paying it all off. Freelance is tough, and people always say 'but you draw for a living it can't be that difficult." And...in some ways, it's not. But in a lot of ways, it is.
I've mentioned for the past, maybe five years now, that I've been burnt out. Art used to be fun and it's now such a chore. I'm always drowning. I can never get ahead of work, I can never stockpile enough comic pages or get Patreon rewards out and clients are stuck waiting months for commissions when I used to do them in a day. And truthfully, I don't find my art appealing. It always feels so flat, so lifeless, I couldn't even pick it out of a crowd. But I don't know how to fix it. I've watched tutorials, studied from artists I enjoy, gone back to basics--nothing. It all feel so...wrong. Some people say it's because you're about to 'level up' with your art and your body is stuck trying to find out the next step and maybe that's it. I think it's more than likely the burn out.
Even lately with wing-its, I haven't felt much joy in them. People are getting upset they're artistic freedom and others are getting upset at the prices when I used to be so 'cheap'. I keep trying to 'budget' myself and make schedules, so that I don't bite off more than I can chew, but it's been insanely rough. Between my dog needing surgery and moving back home to an awful work and living environment, and my own medical and mental health issues, it's nigh impossible to feel happy or even proud of my work.
I keep angering clients and I keep dropping Patrons like flies and I know it's my fault. I can only apologize and promise to work harder but the tide is getting higher and I'm up to my neck in water. I can't take a break and recuperate because I have bills to pay and I can't just sit and study and do tutorials and such for myself because then people get mad I'm relaxing. I also have to stream full time and that just makes people more upset because I'm 'gaming' when I should be working--which I am. I'm frustrated and exhausted and I don't know what to do.
Now, I want to 100% be clear I am not blaming clients or Patrons. This is not their fault and they have every right to be upset with me. I've dropped the ball so badly since May and I'm STILL catching up on stuff from the move. I also need to work on commissions and comic pages and that takes up an annoyingly long amount of time, made double when I can hardly pick up a pen these days. Between the exhaustion, the burn out, the arthritis, and the fatigue, it's an ugly cocktail.
But the point of this journal is to say there might be changes soon. I might stop taking commissions for a while or open up a new type for my own sanity. Maybe some B/W sketches or something cheaper than wing-its. Maybe just do YCHs for a while or adoptables, focus on those while I do Patreon stuff, I'm unsure. The point is, I've been unhappy for a long time and I don't quite fit in with the fandom. I stopped making friends since every one I DID befriend either backstabbed me or just made me feel like shit, only used me for collabs or freebies and then left when they got someone better. As such, it's been lonely and I've felt detached from the fandom and I think it's affecting my work. I've holed myself up and tried not to let out too much personal info cuz folks love using it against me in the end.
I just wanna draw and make art people enjoy and honestly, it feels like I can't even do that right lately and I'm sorry. This isn't meant to be a pity party but an explanation. I AM sorry, for taking forever and for maybe letting folks down with their commissions they've received. However, I want to say thank you to all for donating to help Sundance and for being wonderful patrons and fans. Every like and comment means so much to me and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can find a way to alleviate some stress and bounce back soon.
~ Passion
When you freelance, it's very important to set boundaries—not just for your clients, but for yourself, too. It's critical to build breaks and time off into your schedule so they are set and so you don't feel like you "should be working" during your downtime. Allow yourself the downtime and enjoy it.
I know there's an anxiousness in your mind saying you can't take the time off because you need to make money, but in the long run you'll just burn out without those pauses in your work; not taking adequate breaks ends up being counterproductive.
Regarding your comments on your own art, I don't agree at all that your art is lifeless and unappealing! I watch you because I enjoy your art very much.
It's difficult to offer specific advice without knowing all the details of your situation, but if your living environment is really unpleasant, that will always make you feel worse about everything else. Promising to work harder is probably not the answer, so perhaps take a step back and try to think about some possible other ways to tackle the problem. Sometimes we get so wrapped up and hopeless from our problems that the solutions seem impossible even when they're really quite feasible (perhaps with a little help from others).
If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. I like your work and I want to see you succeed in all that you do.