How should I put this in terms to where people won’t get offended for me venting?
There is probably no good way to put this at all so I’m going to come out and say it as it is.
I’m hurting a lot.
Emotionally.
This year has been full of positive things and towards the last two months it’s taken a turn for the worst. I’m also recovering from a work related injury a customer so kindly provided to me.
Earlier this year, I realized eventually I was losing two people I talked to slowly over the years and the relationships just weren’t the same. No matter how much I put effort into it, paid attention to them, or even supported them, I got nothing out of it. I’d be ignored for other people, or maybe they just forgot about me all together who knows.
I eventually gave up on trying to talk to people until I reached a mental state of loneliness that I couldn’t break out of. Eventually after convincing myself to speak to others again, it went well for a little, just for it to end up the same. It really sucks because I am so tired of people telling me they know how I feel and express how much they like spending time with me just to forget me like I was something temporary. Sure, people have lives, but I can’t keep being the only person to try in friendships and when I see people active elsewhere what am I supposed to think? I guess I just don’t fit in?
Why ask me how I’m doing if I tell you how it is and you just never respond? Why should I give people any of my time when it’s met with temporary interest?
Why do people have to constantly abandon me and act like I don’t exist?
I’m tired of always being the first one to talk, first one to care, first one to apologize how I’m feeling because I feel awkward about it all and I don’t wanna have people feel uncomfortable around me, but why am I thinking this way? It’s toxic towards myself to think I’m a problem in the first place, but no one has tried to help me feel otherwise, especially if they claim to care.
I had an emotional episode and left a chat the other day and I got completely ignored. No one bothered to talk to me or ask if I was okay, and it’s been over a week so fuck me right?
It’s precisely why I chose to be alone in the first place, and I knew even though it hurt super bad to be alone, it was much better than being forgotten.
I don’t like expressing myself to people who assure me that it’s okay do to so only to have them distance themselves in the end. It takes a lot of trust for me to open up and it’s a lot of anxiety and trauma I have to work through just to give an inch of who I actually am sometimes.
People don’t seem to understand I went through actual physical and emotional abuse from my family and partners(one of which I couldn’t escape for nearly seven years), and expecting me to be “normal” isn’t right. I suffer a lot in relationships in general just trying to be normal, and I try my best, but sometimes my ptsd comes back from trauma either from a misunderstanding or a moment where I think I offended someone when I didn’t and the best thing to help me is to have people there to support me. But why am I always here for someone and no one is there for me?
Expressing my concerns seems to do nothing as well, these things still end up happening anyway.
I’ve had to repeat this process so many times that sometimes I reach a point of covering up all my feelings and acting like I don’t give a shit.
The problem is I’m lying to myself when I do this and eventually it gets to me.
I feel like my trust in humanity is completely broken and I have a seething rage backed by an infinite hurt for people at this point.
I don’t know how to express the emotional struggle I’m going through right now, but in basic terms I’m angry and depressed.
Why did I think that for once I wasn’t going to be left behind?
I just wish I meant something.
My fear of abandonment and anxiety about finding a real group to care for me as much as I do for them has finally led me to emotional ruin.
I’m tired of disassociating with myself and what I need just to survive.

Because of this I’ve come to terms with how my social media life is going to go. Whether that means I truly do disappear or just not interact at all on my multiple platforms is a grey area for me right now.
I might stop posting adopts and mainly focus on myself and my art, I might restart on a new account, I might even exclusively move my designs to a discord server…or I might just delete everything in general.
All I really do know right now is I feel like everyone has lied to me and I haven’t felt so meaningless in my entire life.