So yeah! I kind of just vanished a few years ago from posting, commenting, journal posts, even drawing. It's a long story and half of it I can't really remember, probably for the best, but here goes a long awaited update for everyone who still remembers me let alone still follows me lol!

This is kinda rambly, i'm out of touch when it comes to making journal entries, apologies.

Over four years ago when I was a much more active creator and poster art for me was something I did partly out of fun but also partly out of jealousy of others I followed and knew, yes that jealousy did drive me to draw but it also drove me to stay up until the morning night after night driving myself into the ground trying to draw. I don't remember much of it but I do know that back then I was in a MUCH worse mental place than I am now; depression, anxiety, a myriad of other issues as well as interpersonal issues with my family contributed to dare I saw something of a self destructive lifestyle. The aforementioned staying up to like 5am in the morning meaning I barely got any sleep, I was cranky when I was awake and it just ruined me, and believe me trying to be creative while drowsy as sin makes for bad art and therefore the idea of a failed night of drawing. If that makes sense. This in addition to being in several discord groups dedicated to art that just amplified the problems, but also gave me a good group of people to help me and give me advice. A group that I am glad are still around but i'm ashamed that I too for granted.

So came a heatwave of I think 2018? maybe 19 I can't remember, way before Covid hit us, and I was forced to not draw digitally one night because it was so hot my tablet was basically covered in sweat. Gross I know but damn it felt like a weight of sorts had been lifted from me; I didn't draw! I was forced to not draw for several days by something out of my control and it felt great! It kind of broke that evil spell over me that made me keep going regardless of health or sanity, and it felt awesome. That was the catalyst that began my gradual improvement, but also my gradual slowing down of posting and then the current indefinite pause, sure I still did some here and there but nowhere near to what I did before art wise.

I think breaking this addiction (Not sure if I should use that word, it certainly felt like one to me but there are people with legit addictions out there I don't want to discount) was the start of my improvement. Since then i've had a steady job in town where i'm doing quite well, surprisingly so imo, my mental state has improve drastically due to many reasons; firstly improving relations with parents and being able to confide and ask them for help, secondly with counselling that has REALLY helped me with working out my own worries and giving me the confidence and understanding to deal with issues myself and thirdly and probably most importantly for me going forwards... I accepted and have come out that I am transgender to pretty much all my family as well as friends and work colleagues; currently seeing myself as non binary but still testing the waters to see how else I can be my true self.

My name now is still officially Jack, like on passports, but my preferred name is Jayme and my pronouns are them/they/their. And damn if this hasn't been liberating I don't know what will. I feel so much more confident and outgoing after I came out a bit over a year ago; new clothes, new ideas, it's like I prestiged and now entering a new part of life. it's great! I've felt way better about myself mentally and physically too, just improvement all around!

Also sadly my old laptop died before I was able to back up the majority of my digital stuff as well as my fantasy world building work... for the latter that was alright, it needed a clean slate since it was a jumbled mess of notes, ideas and codex entries but for the former yeah; I lost a ton of old wips and the like. It numbed me but I eventually came to terms and carried on, it might still be there but i'm dare I say over it. I reworked my world building into something semi coherent and the art I was able to recover was the stuff I was most worried about so that's the silver lining I guess. Got a new gaming laptop though which is pretty fun!

As for art and creating stuff though that's slowed down a lot, but it's more a thing I WANT to do instead of feeling like I NEED to do it. I do doodle and draw here and there and do try to paint miniatures more now, but I don't feel bad for not doing it. I spent years of my life tied down to this hobby seeing it as an obsession, it's about time I just enjoyed life and the things I like in it. I might start uploading stuff again, we'll see, got some digital wips done as well as more traditional stuff, might even upload more miniature photos too!

So yeah... Ryadrus, the annoying artist from years past is sort of back XD But really this was just an update since I felt like I should have done this years ago, I did just disappear for the most part. Hope you're all doing well, i'm sure a ton has changed for a load of people! It'd be nice to chat with people again if that's something folks want, and if anyone has any questions don't hesitate to ask!

<3 Jayme

PS: i'll be updating my account page details; name, age, etc, later on. I'm too tired now