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im not ok
3 years ago
These last two months have been some of the worst for me. I've had a mix of a UTI and a yeast infection for almost 3 weeks now ontop of a small cold. The antibiotics for the UTI gave me white tongue so I can't really taste or enjoy food. I also forgot a day of my testosterone so I have my period on top of it with a sore throat. I also live somewhere where its really cloudy and don't get to see the sun often which is really important because I have a vitamin D deficiency. I broke up with my girlfriend and while it was short lived it still....really hurts because I loved her. It was my first and only relationship but I loved her with all my heart. Because I got so sick I had to take time off of work but since I run my own business, that time isn't paid. My student loans are going to have go unpaid this month because I have to pay for all the doctors visits to get prescriptions, being given the wrong prescription the first time, and I also tried depression medication in May and somehow they're billing me for those visits now??? All the way in november????
I'm just really sick...and tired...of being really poor, sick, exhausted, and depressed. Sure this year in comparison to past years has been happier (I've lived through much worse) but im tired of always wondering....when it truly will be better. When I wont have to live paycheck to paycheck...when I can finally enjoy any of the money I make at all....because 90 percent of it goes to my student loans every month. The rest of that money I use for rent and to eat.
Some good did happen though. Kisuka saw a tweet about how cold I was and out of the kindness of his heart sent me a heater. The place I live has old windows so my room is always freezing cold. It also made my carpal tunnel worse another thing I forgot happened ontop of it all which was another reason I couldn't work. I've really tried my best to stay positive...but I still don't feel fully healed at all when I tried so hard to rest. Im a workaholic so...of course I was running around doing dishes and laundry and it made my wrist worse. The antibiotics make me really sleepy and sometimes nauseous so its hard to get work done.
I feel like I've spent the last week just...dissociating and trying to figure out how to even begin to be ok. I was going to table at MFF too and really excited to see some new friends I made but I had to cancel because of how rough financially it has all gotten. I'm really happy they'd even refund me less than a month from the con. What happened to the $1.39 eggs....why are eggs $3!? I lost my debit card at the airport....my insurance denied me for top surgery for the second time...and suddenly usually I can sleep the whole night but now I have stress nightmares. I'll wake up 2-3 times a night. I'm already scared of the dark but the terrors are so scary I sleep with a daylight bulb on in order to not have a panic attack when I wake up.
Its just alll these things...add up...every time I say I don't think I can take it anymore if another thing happens something else happens. I know this must seem spoiled....I know theres much worse out there and I should be grateful its not worse...its just kinda hell right now.
If anyone else is having a rough time (which I know most are) its okay to vent here. Emotionally, I dont have the spoons to help but....screaming into a void helps just as much
I'm really sorry this is happening and I dont know why the world is so shit right now. I wish everyone happiness and love from the bottom of my heart. We WILL be okay....we have to be okay....we just have to hold on..
There has to be hope somewhere.
I'm just really sick...and tired...of being really poor, sick, exhausted, and depressed. Sure this year in comparison to past years has been happier (I've lived through much worse) but im tired of always wondering....when it truly will be better. When I wont have to live paycheck to paycheck...when I can finally enjoy any of the money I make at all....because 90 percent of it goes to my student loans every month. The rest of that money I use for rent and to eat.
Some good did happen though. Kisuka saw a tweet about how cold I was and out of the kindness of his heart sent me a heater. The place I live has old windows so my room is always freezing cold. It also made my carpal tunnel worse another thing I forgot happened ontop of it all which was another reason I couldn't work. I've really tried my best to stay positive...but I still don't feel fully healed at all when I tried so hard to rest. Im a workaholic so...of course I was running around doing dishes and laundry and it made my wrist worse. The antibiotics make me really sleepy and sometimes nauseous so its hard to get work done.
I feel like I've spent the last week just...dissociating and trying to figure out how to even begin to be ok. I was going to table at MFF too and really excited to see some new friends I made but I had to cancel because of how rough financially it has all gotten. I'm really happy they'd even refund me less than a month from the con. What happened to the $1.39 eggs....why are eggs $3!? I lost my debit card at the airport....my insurance denied me for top surgery for the second time...and suddenly usually I can sleep the whole night but now I have stress nightmares. I'll wake up 2-3 times a night. I'm already scared of the dark but the terrors are so scary I sleep with a daylight bulb on in order to not have a panic attack when I wake up.
Its just alll these things...add up...every time I say I don't think I can take it anymore if another thing happens something else happens. I know this must seem spoiled....I know theres much worse out there and I should be grateful its not worse...its just kinda hell right now.
If anyone else is having a rough time (which I know most are) its okay to vent here. Emotionally, I dont have the spoons to help but....screaming into a void helps just as much
I'm really sorry this is happening and I dont know why the world is so shit right now. I wish everyone happiness and love from the bottom of my heart. We WILL be okay....we have to be okay....we just have to hold on..
There has to be hope somewhere.
I really do hope you feel better.
As for the eggs, you can thank avian flu for that. Lots of flocks are being put down to try to contain the spread, and it's impacting egg production big time.
I am sorry you have to suffer through all of that. Some things in this country make no goddamn sense.
As someone who has to deal with UTI's frequently I know them/having to deal with them sucks balls so I hope you can kick its ass sooner than later.
But as a whole I hope things start looking better for you soon man
Thank you dude!!
I agree though almost all my friends are in a rough spot at this time and I dont know what it is...just something in the water. Thank you though ;;; I really appreciate that!!
I hope you get the break you need soon. Like a real one. Not just time off, because sometimes that's just spent worrying about things you still can't fix right now, or just recovering. But the lucky kind. A windfall, or improving health, or anything that lets off the gas on the stress enough that your dreams can be restful again. It's not going to be easy, but as long as you're still fighting it has the chance to be better. Don't compare your problems to others like they're not worth people's sympathy, because, they are, and you are, and everyone's maximum load is different. Spoons may be depleted at different rates by different things and the number a person's dealing with at a given time can vary, but if you're out of them, regardless of how severe you think the situation is compared to all the problems of the world... you're still out of spoons, and pushing further can wreck you.
Horny internet people can wait as long as it takes, as long as you take care of yourself. Sometimes that just looks like enduring hardship until the random happenstance that made life dump on you randomly stops, but that's still fighting back, and you can be proud of it. From one internet stranger to another, good luck.
I'm gonna try my best, thank you!!!!! I feel like I can go on just a little bit more