It’s been a dark couple of years.
In 2020 I was grieving my father and feeling abandoned and alienated by friends. Society and life as I knew it was coming apart at the seams. I couldn’t even see my family for support. Pile all that on top of chronic depression, anxiety, unmet needs and unresolved trauma and I was a vulnerable mess. (Edit: I feel that being off my antidepressants and having no church/spiritual community to call home contributed to my poor mental state as well.)

I turned to online role play for escapism and solace (something I hadn’t done for about a decade). Most people I met through online RP communities were passive aggressive or just utterly uninterested in me or anything I had to offer. But I met one wonderful friend and we really hit it off.

I latched onto that person like a piece of flotsam in a stormy sea and held on for dear life.

Over the course of the next year and a half, I developed a pathological obsession with this person where my entire life pretty much revolved around trying to impress them and earn their attention, affection, and approval. For the first time in my life, I started believing in New Age concepts like the “Twin Flame” (the idea that a soul can be split between two people) and believed that this individual was the “other half” that would make me whole. I know that sounds insane, but I needed SOME kind of explanation for what I perceived.
My friend is a popular person, at least online, so I constantly felt like I was fighting and jostling for my seat at their table. I feared that I would be lost and forgotten among their crowd of wonderful friends. It was degrading, exhausting, and incredibly painful. It was an immense burden to hide my pain and deep insecurity. In reality they actually liked and respected me quite a bit, but they didn’t reciprocate the intense personal interest I felt. And at the end of the day, I loved them and hated myself, so I was doomed to be unhappy no matter what they said or did.

By prioritizing this person above myself, my husband, and my other friends, I did a disservice to everyone involved.

I learned that I was suffering from Limerence, a type of emotional dependency/person addiction that can arise as a symptom of deeper mental health problems. And as part of a larger self-care plan, I went No Contact with this person, to give myself time and space to heal. That was an incredibly difficult decision, but it was necessary in order for me to do the personal work I need to do.

I haven’t felt “Ok” for over a year and I don’t think I’ll feel Ok anytime soon, especially with winter and Seasonal Affective Disorder looming. I’m trying to re-establish a support network, but it’s rough going. I still get excluded from parties and gatherings. I text people for support and get monosyllabic responses. I know 95% of the time that stuff isn’t personal, but it hurts like hell. It’s the reason I fell so hard for a friend who reached out and (at least initially) made me feel like I was WORTH something. (It’s not fair or appropriate for me to lash out at anyone. I reserve the right to be a little ugly and immature online right now as I’m in unprecedented emotional territory.)

My friend (on the slim chance that you’re out there), my husband, my other friends: I’m sorry for everything. Bear with me. I’m going to do whatever I can to heal.