Why do I feel like this? Like a joke, like I wasn’t supposed to find out things this way. All I do know is I wish things could change so much. Between working both my jobs and returning to better health I’m still not okay, I don’t know why get this way either but maybe I should just accept how reality is gonna be and keep going with it.

Too stressed and upset with anything anymore. Honestly where I wish had comfort I cannot find it, and it’s aggravating to no end. Sadly back to kissing a bottle of booze because that’s about as best I can ease these feelings. I shouldn’t with how much I’ve had going in my lower half, but I’m done with stress and my own disappointment with myself. If anything can come from this night I was happy to see the stars again, I know that’s about the one thing I can enjoy at all anymore, just too much for my mind, heart and body can handle right now.

In a dark corner of heart, I’ve still got some hope but with all that’s been going on, just hard to be how folks put it ‘optimistic’ and here I am keeping conversations with myself as if that isn’t pathetic enough. Suck it up Derek, life’s thrown this shit at you constantly and still wallow through it all. Oh well enough of the piss poor shit, finish this drink and get this shit feelings away.