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Musings on Asterisk as a sona
3 years ago
Tbh I never considered Asterisk a ‘me’ character. I just designed it to look cool especially in motion as a costume.
Much as I often feel I’ve grown distant from the character over the years, sometimes I also look at it and realize it’s more appealing to me than ever. When I got into KISS I went “holy crap I really did unintentionally give that thing the best visual/physical attributes of my favorite members”. Somehow I gave it the lightning bolt arrows and floppy noodly underwater/spacey air of Ace AND the giant gaping maw, ambiguous monstrous form, funny tongue (lol), strong profile, and directional face of Gene. Also has the point down the nose marking both of their makeup designs give them.
Anyways, that feeling’s come back in a totally different way today. Unfortunately it looks like my meds are giving me PMDD and I spent the last week raging with self-hatred over being female. I posted a rant about it earlier today but deleted it. Nobody needs to see that, it benefits noone. It’s something I’ve been bitter over for roughly nine years with no real escape available. Today in a rare moment of calmness, I thought about an old spiritual belief of mine about feeling like I have the soul of an extradimensional sexless alien or robot. It’s how I rationalize my total lack of interest in romance and intimacy and how I feel most content when in a robotic, purely productive, out of body, emotionless state. And now I think I may have a way forward with my disgust for my sex and how I feel trapped in an equally repellant fire and ice scenario with the concept of physical sex in general. I will see my body as nothing but a puppet or the mech inside an animatronic. It means nothing to me, my true self is in my head and mind, and I will do anything in my power to be as invisible as possible. There’s no point in doing anything physical because I’m 5’10 and rectangular and I am beyond grateful for that. I’ll double down on seeing myself as invisible as a runway model, merely a clotheshanger. Maybe I’ll cut my hair short again come spring, especially if my medication messes it up like it has for some people. I’ve been told by at least one rando before that I come off as nothing and that makes me content.
Now I look back at Asterisk and realize that’s the kind of extradimensional electro-spiritual sexless alien I like to feel like I am inside. And it brings me peace. Maybe I really have gone full circle and accepted it as a true fursona.
Eh, this is a weird ramble but at least none of you had to see my furious ones from a few days ago. I’m not sure if I actually ever explained these aspects of Asterisk’s design before, but they’ve always been there since the beginning.
Much as I often feel I’ve grown distant from the character over the years, sometimes I also look at it and realize it’s more appealing to me than ever. When I got into KISS I went “holy crap I really did unintentionally give that thing the best visual/physical attributes of my favorite members”. Somehow I gave it the lightning bolt arrows and floppy noodly underwater/spacey air of Ace AND the giant gaping maw, ambiguous monstrous form, funny tongue (lol), strong profile, and directional face of Gene. Also has the point down the nose marking both of their makeup designs give them.
Anyways, that feeling’s come back in a totally different way today. Unfortunately it looks like my meds are giving me PMDD and I spent the last week raging with self-hatred over being female. I posted a rant about it earlier today but deleted it. Nobody needs to see that, it benefits noone. It’s something I’ve been bitter over for roughly nine years with no real escape available. Today in a rare moment of calmness, I thought about an old spiritual belief of mine about feeling like I have the soul of an extradimensional sexless alien or robot. It’s how I rationalize my total lack of interest in romance and intimacy and how I feel most content when in a robotic, purely productive, out of body, emotionless state. And now I think I may have a way forward with my disgust for my sex and how I feel trapped in an equally repellant fire and ice scenario with the concept of physical sex in general. I will see my body as nothing but a puppet or the mech inside an animatronic. It means nothing to me, my true self is in my head and mind, and I will do anything in my power to be as invisible as possible. There’s no point in doing anything physical because I’m 5’10 and rectangular and I am beyond grateful for that. I’ll double down on seeing myself as invisible as a runway model, merely a clotheshanger. Maybe I’ll cut my hair short again come spring, especially if my medication messes it up like it has for some people. I’ve been told by at least one rando before that I come off as nothing and that makes me content.
Now I look back at Asterisk and realize that’s the kind of extradimensional electro-spiritual sexless alien I like to feel like I am inside. And it brings me peace. Maybe I really have gone full circle and accepted it as a true fursona.
Eh, this is a weird ramble but at least none of you had to see my furious ones from a few days ago. I’m not sure if I actually ever explained these aspects of Asterisk’s design before, but they’ve always been there since the beginning.
I suffer from pmdd and an IUD only damped it. I don't think there's such a thing as being on more hormones.. xD
I’ve heard some claims antihistamines can help and it seemed to do something when I tried that today. I’ll probably see if that makes it tolerable enough in the future before seeking anything prescription.
I'm also on meds to treat hypothyroidism which also effects the cycle. It's all unfortunately complex even when it's not something as awful as PCOS. The constant mood swings every 3-4 weeks is annoying as heck. It's not as bad as it was since my IUD though.