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My Coming Out Story
3 years ago
I'm AFAB (assigned female at birth). I've never felt gender dysphoria or gender euphoria. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing. I was born with a deep voice, so people would call me "sir" whenever I ordered food through drive-thrus. I never got offended, but I know it wasn't right. I still never felt the need to correct them. I only felt awkward when they'd be proven wrong about their assumptions when I collected my food. I have a naturally curvy body, so no matter what I wore, people in public would call me "ma'am" or "miss," and I still felt nothing. On other social media platforms, I use a male-coded name and use he/they pronouns. It was initially for the sake of keeping my privacy (and avoiding unwanted creepy messages), but the more I kept doing it, the more I started liking it.
From when I was born to 5th grade, I was a stereotypical girly girl. I only wore princess dresses, and everything I owned was pink. Now, as a 24-year-old adult, I could care less about presenting feminine. If I have to dress up for an event, I wear black pants and a plain cardigan. I also realized that my "girly" phase was mostly due to my mom's influence. She always wanted a perfect little princess to dress up like a doll. She loves luxury brand fashion and accessorizing. She always got mad when I bought my clothes from Walmart and Goodwill instead of Dillard's and Nordstrom. The only times I wore makeup and earings was when my mom took me to a photo studio for my high school and college graduation. She loved the pictures, but I couldn't recognize myself.
CW: Mentions of eating disorders
Another reason why I never identified with being a woman is because I've never been thin. Thinness and woman have been correlated with one another for centuries. I've never been thin. I was never unhealthy, but I've never had a flat stomach. My parents were always bothered by that. My stepdad always betrayed me, saying that I was ugly, no man would ever love me, and I was doomed to die alone. My mom always put me on various diet plans that she'd see on tv: Slim Fast, Garcinia cambogia, Atkins, etc. I tried presenting as more feminine in high school, but that just made me more miserable. It also didn't help that I didn't have any friends.
CW: Brief mentions of sexual assault
I never really "felt like a woman." I know the concept of womanhood has a wide range of plasticity, but it still never felt completely right to me. For the longest time, I thought it was because I've never been sexually assaulted, sexually harassed, or discriminated against for being a woman. However, that wasn't right because I follow a few AFAB artists who were victims of sexual assault, and they still identify as non-binary. Also, being a woman isn't about suffering.
CW: Brief mentions of racism and female anatomy
Race also plays a major role in gender identity. Black women have historically been simultaneously oversexualized, dehumanized, and denied of their womanhood. However, I was never denied of my womanhood. If anything, I was treated too much like a woman. I developed breasts at the age of 9, so I had a lot of male attention growing up. At first, I'd be flattered when a boy said he liked me or I was attractive, but that feeling would immediately turn into uncomfortableness. I liked being acknowledged for looking good but not being pursued romantically or sexually. This is what clued me into the idea of being aro-ace. Even though I don't necessarily like having large breasts, I also don't feel the need to get breast reduction surgery.
I've never been in a position where I could question my gender, nor do I have any friends I can confide in. That was until now. Thanks to so many wonderful streamers I've discovered, I was able to get some clarity on my own gender identity for the first time in years. I've aslo befriended so many amazing and supportive people who I know will never judge me based on my identity. The more conversations I had about how neither male nor female pronouns felt right to them, the more things started making sense about me.
In general, I never think about my gender. However, I don't mind male pronouns because I tend to lean toward more male than female. That being said, when I look in the mirror, I don't see a beautiful woman, nor do I want to see a handsome man. All I see is me, and I love me.
From when I was born to 5th grade, I was a stereotypical girly girl. I only wore princess dresses, and everything I owned was pink. Now, as a 24-year-old adult, I could care less about presenting feminine. If I have to dress up for an event, I wear black pants and a plain cardigan. I also realized that my "girly" phase was mostly due to my mom's influence. She always wanted a perfect little princess to dress up like a doll. She loves luxury brand fashion and accessorizing. She always got mad when I bought my clothes from Walmart and Goodwill instead of Dillard's and Nordstrom. The only times I wore makeup and earings was when my mom took me to a photo studio for my high school and college graduation. She loved the pictures, but I couldn't recognize myself.
CW: Mentions of eating disorders
Another reason why I never identified with being a woman is because I've never been thin. Thinness and woman have been correlated with one another for centuries. I've never been thin. I was never unhealthy, but I've never had a flat stomach. My parents were always bothered by that. My stepdad always betrayed me, saying that I was ugly, no man would ever love me, and I was doomed to die alone. My mom always put me on various diet plans that she'd see on tv: Slim Fast, Garcinia cambogia, Atkins, etc. I tried presenting as more feminine in high school, but that just made me more miserable. It also didn't help that I didn't have any friends.
CW: Brief mentions of sexual assault
I never really "felt like a woman." I know the concept of womanhood has a wide range of plasticity, but it still never felt completely right to me. For the longest time, I thought it was because I've never been sexually assaulted, sexually harassed, or discriminated against for being a woman. However, that wasn't right because I follow a few AFAB artists who were victims of sexual assault, and they still identify as non-binary. Also, being a woman isn't about suffering.
CW: Brief mentions of racism and female anatomy
Race also plays a major role in gender identity. Black women have historically been simultaneously oversexualized, dehumanized, and denied of their womanhood. However, I was never denied of my womanhood. If anything, I was treated too much like a woman. I developed breasts at the age of 9, so I had a lot of male attention growing up. At first, I'd be flattered when a boy said he liked me or I was attractive, but that feeling would immediately turn into uncomfortableness. I liked being acknowledged for looking good but not being pursued romantically or sexually. This is what clued me into the idea of being aro-ace. Even though I don't necessarily like having large breasts, I also don't feel the need to get breast reduction surgery.
I've never been in a position where I could question my gender, nor do I have any friends I can confide in. That was until now. Thanks to so many wonderful streamers I've discovered, I was able to get some clarity on my own gender identity for the first time in years. I've aslo befriended so many amazing and supportive people who I know will never judge me based on my identity. The more conversations I had about how neither male nor female pronouns felt right to them, the more things started making sense about me.
In general, I never think about my gender. However, I don't mind male pronouns because I tend to lean toward more male than female. That being said, when I look in the mirror, I don't see a beautiful woman, nor do I want to see a handsome man. All I see is me, and I love me.
