FA+
Shop
That Time of the Year Again
3 years ago
General
In eternity, where there is no time, nothing can grow. Nothing can become. Nothing changes. So death created time to grow the things that it would kill and you are reborn but into the same life that you've always been born into.
Some time ago, maybe it was last year but can't remember, I posted a journal about Christmas and the ever-famous Charles Dickens story "A Christmas Carol". I discussed the details and theme of the story and Scrooge's character development, and how I could really sympathize with his disposition towards the holiday. Obviously, this isn't the message to be taken from that particular story, but this is the year that I decided I'm done with the holiday. Probably Thanksgiving too, for that matter.
I'm not giving or requesting gifts after this year for the holiday and not observing it. I have touched on why before, but I'll discuss it a little. Around the holiday season is when tragedy seems to hit my family. One year, my cousin's aunt (who my side of the family was also very close to) had an aneurysm in her abdominal aorta that burst, and it happened the day after Christmas. Another year, near Thanksgiving, my cousin's husband died in his sleep suddenly. Another year my Grandma was diagnosed with cancer just before Christmas and it killed her very soon after. This year has not been fun.
I had to have Shadow put down just before Thanksgiving. His seizures got really bad, and it wasn't a gradual decline either. One day, he just started having them frequently. The day after that, he was having more than I could count, and I decided he wasn't suffering with that so I took him in and had it done. He was not himself, was confused, disoriented, and scared. Before that, even just a couple of minutes after having a seizure, he'd still be the affectionate cat he always was. Playful too.
Then I got hit with a bombshell. It hadn't been officially diagnosed yet, but his doctor told him it was pretty much a certainty that my dad has cancer. The really bad news is I was informed of this when he came to me needing me to take him to the ER because the symptoms it was causing had him seriously worried. The good news is the particular kind of cancer he has is "very common" and has a high survivability rate. Very high, in fact. This is a comfort, but it's a small comfort. My Grandma also had a cancer with a high survivability rate and successfully had it beat a few years before. It came back with a vengeance.
I don't really know how to describe why this makes me feel the way I do about the holidays. It's not that I hate Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. outright, it's that the association with bad stuff just makes it not fun and overly stressful. Adding to that, every year my family asks me what I want for Christmas and it gets more and more difficult to give them something to work with, because most of the things that I want and need are more expensive than I feel comfortable with asking for, and some of these are things that are useful more than fun or entertaining. That last part is fine, but that kind of shit also usually comes with a $50+ price tag and...yeah, I know it's a bit much to ask. So I have to rack my brain to come up with shit to write down on a fucking list to make my mom happy. The bottom line is it's become a kids' holiday, and I have no place in it.
The correlation with all of that makes it more stressful than it's worth, and I think this year deserves to die with a whimper and minimal acknowledgement, rather than a gracious send off.
I'm not giving or requesting gifts after this year for the holiday and not observing it. I have touched on why before, but I'll discuss it a little. Around the holiday season is when tragedy seems to hit my family. One year, my cousin's aunt (who my side of the family was also very close to) had an aneurysm in her abdominal aorta that burst, and it happened the day after Christmas. Another year, near Thanksgiving, my cousin's husband died in his sleep suddenly. Another year my Grandma was diagnosed with cancer just before Christmas and it killed her very soon after. This year has not been fun.
I had to have Shadow put down just before Thanksgiving. His seizures got really bad, and it wasn't a gradual decline either. One day, he just started having them frequently. The day after that, he was having more than I could count, and I decided he wasn't suffering with that so I took him in and had it done. He was not himself, was confused, disoriented, and scared. Before that, even just a couple of minutes after having a seizure, he'd still be the affectionate cat he always was. Playful too.
Then I got hit with a bombshell. It hadn't been officially diagnosed yet, but his doctor told him it was pretty much a certainty that my dad has cancer. The really bad news is I was informed of this when he came to me needing me to take him to the ER because the symptoms it was causing had him seriously worried. The good news is the particular kind of cancer he has is "very common" and has a high survivability rate. Very high, in fact. This is a comfort, but it's a small comfort. My Grandma also had a cancer with a high survivability rate and successfully had it beat a few years before. It came back with a vengeance.
I don't really know how to describe why this makes me feel the way I do about the holidays. It's not that I hate Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. outright, it's that the association with bad stuff just makes it not fun and overly stressful. Adding to that, every year my family asks me what I want for Christmas and it gets more and more difficult to give them something to work with, because most of the things that I want and need are more expensive than I feel comfortable with asking for, and some of these are things that are useful more than fun or entertaining. That last part is fine, but that kind of shit also usually comes with a $50+ price tag and...yeah, I know it's a bit much to ask. So I have to rack my brain to come up with shit to write down on a fucking list to make my mom happy. The bottom line is it's become a kids' holiday, and I have no place in it.
The correlation with all of that makes it more stressful than it's worth, and I think this year deserves to die with a whimper and minimal acknowledgement, rather than a gracious send off.
You are allowed to attach your own significance to times of year, and if the time that is commonly associated with cheer is the same time that brings back the memories of death and anguish, you are right to make the midwinter holidays your personal period of mourning, and everyone who respects and values you would understand, and accommodate your unique experience.
But it is especially painful when the world fills with smiles and laughter when for you it is the time of tears and solemn silence; it may easily feel like the world leaves you behind, or worse -- is mocking you.
But it only looks that way. I hope you will find yourself among those who would be ready to tone down the jubilant clamor for you -- Christmas can be a quiet and pensive holiday, too.
Wishing the best for your family and for yourself. You have endured more than most could have without breaking down completely, and any way you wish to express that, you are free to.
Stay safe!