Yeah that's something I don't like to talk about and I hope it's somewhat understandable with my English but I also want this to be some kind of apology to my friends and other people because I currently don't talk or interact much with them. Also maybe there are people with a similar problem and got some advice how to better deal with it.

My problem mostly fits the description of Catastrophizing. While it's not tested it definitely sounds a lot like my current thinking and behavior.

All of this is mostly connected to my working place. The constant fear that I did something wrong that will have serious consequences and/or financial loss I'm not strong enough to deal with. Even I feel everything should be alright or at least not a big deal a little part in my brain keeps telling me "but what if..." thoughts I can't silence anymore as long I don't have a chance to 100% proof myself that everything is ok. Something I sadly can't proof myself in most cases and just hope that if nothing happens in several weeks or even months probably everything is ok. My brain keeps processing all the devastating things that could happen and just won't let go.

That leads me to currently living in some kind of fast forward mode because I just want time to pass as quickly as possible hoping my brain just accepts at some point that nothing is going to happen anymore.

My smartphone is full of videos and photos just of me making sure I have a proof that I locked the door for example or did other important things just so if I feel unsure about something I can look at it. Some stuff is more than three years old by now and I still can't delete it because for whatever reason I feel like I might still need it...

I seriously struggle with my current workload and yeah obviously it would be easiest then just to find a different job but then again low self-esteem and my catastrophizing keeps telling what if I mess up a new job. I don't want to cause trouble for me and my wife. I fear my boss and I absolutely fear the moment I have to tell him that I'm going to quit.

I have this problem for such a long time now but usually it just affected me sometimes but now it just keeps pilling up and it's getting worse. My entire body is really stressed out and in some cases my vision starts to blur. Usually I don't have any problems to sleep but now I really struggle most of the time. I wanted to go to sleep already three hours ago and now lying in bed writing this stupid text. Basically not eaten something the last two days. I'm just worried about the future.

Like I said I don't really like to talk about stuff like this but thought maybe it helps me a little and maybe serve as an explanation to some why my personality changed, why I got quieter and I keep my distance. I'm just really sorry for being the person I currently am... That's not who I am.

Just why is my brain like this... I have a perfect wife, perfect friends, perfect family... I'm so very grateful for all of that and still this stupid thinking keeps ruining all of that.

I'm really sorry for the negative talk u.u