I know it has been a while outside of the my Christmas journal. But certain events have happened for well over a year now that has heavily damaged mine and my girlfriends relationship and I am taking steps to fix our relationship

This journal will be a long one so please bare with me since there is a lot to go over.

Last year as some of you may remember I had been speaking to certain people on here, on discord, twitter and a few other places who honestly I shouldn't have been speaking to, mainly about my relationship with my girlfriend and how I painted her out to be a bad person when she isn't. Far from it in fact.

I began to vent to certain "friends" of mine who from time to time would tell me to talk things out with her, but in the end just trashed talked her as much as I did.

I slandered her name greatly and I am very ashamed of that. I didn't tell the truth about what was really going on in our relationship, I brought people in when I should have just talked to my girlfriend and had tried to work things out as my girlfriend had tried again and again to have me do but I pushed her away every time and had ran to these people I called "friends" instead.

Why? Because they were yes men. They told me what I wanted to hear instead of encouraging me to work things out with her and to really work out our differences and understand each other better.

Admittingly I was and am rather selfish. I wanted things to be my way rather then listening to her and actually working out our problems as she had asked me to time and again. I pushed her away and had slandered her name to other's because of my selfishness.

These so called "friends" tried to break us up and at the time I thought they were more important then her. After my last online girlfriend I wanted more then anything to have a good woman by my side, who wanted to be there for me, who wanted to spend time with me, who wanted to love me and encourage me to be a better man over all and I got that with my girlfriend but I had verbally slapped her in the face time and again because of my selfish behavior and mindset.

I wanted her to bend the knee to me, and my so called " friends " talked trash about her which only fueled my desire to be right.

After the big blow out last year, my girlfriend thought this would be all over and we could work on our relationship. But I had lied to her yet again. I was "missing" my so called " friends " and had went behind her back and started talking to these people again.

I lied to her for half a year until she saw an image that one person who I thought was my "friend" had stolen and had traced from her gallery. My girlfriend was upset to say the least and understandably so.

At the time I didn't see it like that. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't. What made it worse was that I had told my girlfriend something that shook her to her core and nearly broke her.

I am ashamed to admit all of this, but I feel it is only right to tell the truth and why I have disappeared in a sense.

I had told my girlfriend I would stop talking to these 2, but I lied yet again as I did not stop talking to either of them. I once again was being selfish and wanted everyone to get along even thou now I realize that can not happen as this was all caused by me and two bad former "friends" who I now realize weren't at all my friends.

Real friends encourage you to work things out with your partner even during the worse times and beyond them saying it in passing once or twice they never really wanted me to work things out with her.

I nearly broke the woman I love, Who still loves me even after all of this. I broke her trust in me, her faith in me and her love in me. I am truly ashamed that I did all of this because of my selfish demeanor and my it's my way attitude towards her.

And yes, as some of you noticed I have deleted my discord, twitters, and a few other places and your wondering why and am I alright.

Yes, I am alright, I am not hurt, or anything of that nature. But the reason why I had deleted these places is because it was discord and twitter where I had been hiding all of this from her since we are not apart of the same groups on discord and she doesn't have a twitter as she doesn't like twitter.

I needed to make a change, this woman who stood by me even through all the terrible shit I have done to her is still by my side today working things out and wanting us to be a stronger, healthier, better and more loving couple.

I was foolish to say the least to treat such an amazing woman like trash. To slander her name because she didn't like what I like, because my so called "friends' treated her a certain way that she didn't like and I was forcing her to accept their behavior so I could keep them as "friends."

I need to earn back her trust, faith and love in me. So I had made the choice to delete my discord and my twitters to show her that I won't be making these mistakes ever again.

I need to fix this, not her. She's been trying for years to get me to open up and to know my feelings are just as important as everyone else's and I too have a voice that should be heard as well.

So, yes, I don't have discord any longer nor any of my twitter accounts. And no I won't be making new one's until I have won back her trust, faith and love in me and she trusts me enough to where she feels comfortable with me having those things again.

And yes, to some of you who I also had on my Skype yes, when I deleted my discord I took nearly everyone off my Skype as well as these two so called "friends" were on there as well so I just did a massive wipe of my Skype as well.

Please know, beyond these two people and one other, no one else is the issue nor to blame for this problem that I had brought onto myself.

Please, do not blame my girlfriend and start deleting her from places like discord, Skype, FA or anywhere else.

She didn't cause this, I did and I need to make things right with her again first and foremost as she is my world and I don't want to let her go ever again.

If you wish to know anything extra your more then free to msg me here on FA at any time but please be aware I am in the UK so time difference and all that.

I may or may not answer certain questions so please understand this if you do msg me through notes here on FA.

I hope this has cleared up the where did I go all of a sudden and why I had deleted certain places I use to be on.

Please, be kind to her, don't blame her for my mistakes. These are my fuck ups and I need to fix them.

Also, just to make one thing perfectly clear, I am NO longer "friends" with any of these people and will never be there "friends" ever again.