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Making Friends -- or Building Clout?
2 years ago
Many people say they want friends. But when you read between the lines, you find that what they really want is clout. When they want to fit in with people who are clearly bad company, it's a sign they don't want real friends. Oftentimes, they simply envy the apparent benefits from being part of that in-crowd.
Therefore, when one says, "Why do you want to fit in with them? They're not real friends?" it's often not the point. The person seeking popularity often has a different set of goals altogether.
In other cases, it's dangerous not to fit in. In this case, whether it's good company or bad is beside the point. And running away is not always an option. The question, then, is this: Do you have moral integrity, and would getting along with a bad crowd require sacrificing it? In many cases, a group will accept you as you are as far as they think you are useful. Being able to thrive in the face of difficult people is the art of diplomacy.
Autistic people are people like anyone else. At the same time, there is some fundamental difference in brain wiring. The way they think is sometimes incompatible with the norms of the surrounding culture (which tends to be neurotypical). Conversely, cultural norms are not universal. When one culture fails to understand or appreciate another, the results can be deadly. Such is the experience of autistic people in the face of a neurotypical culture.
For those who want to be accepted, the golden rule is this: Give people a reason to want your company. What's in it for them? What does the other person want?
Some popular people definitely do not fit into mainstream culture -- especially when it comes to rich leaders. Wealth often helps, but a rich person doesn't build a cult of personality just by being rich. Rather, there's at least one thing they sell that makes many people feel validated -- whether in a good way or not.
Autistic people are often eccentric. The key to fitting in is not to become a normal person. Rather, they should study how eccentric some popular leaders are -- and how such people get accepted despite, or even because, of their differences. Finally, remember -- even the most popular people are not accepted by everyone. You have to pick an audience and learn what they want most.
In the end, social skills are not learned in a vacuum. They are learned by studying real people and interacting with them. And what counts as social skills varies from culture to culture. Having the right attitude is everything. You are a culture of your own, and people will want to explore it as long as something about you impresses them.
Should you want friends, or should you want clout? Actually, the two go hand in hand. Good friends love to please each other. Each tries to be something that the other person wants. That is what caring for one another is about. True clout is about being able to influence other people. Bending over backward to please people who don't return the favor -- that is counterproductive. True popularity means that others love appealing to you.
Therefore, when one says, "Why do you want to fit in with them? They're not real friends?" it's often not the point. The person seeking popularity often has a different set of goals altogether.
In other cases, it's dangerous not to fit in. In this case, whether it's good company or bad is beside the point. And running away is not always an option. The question, then, is this: Do you have moral integrity, and would getting along with a bad crowd require sacrificing it? In many cases, a group will accept you as you are as far as they think you are useful. Being able to thrive in the face of difficult people is the art of diplomacy.
Autistic people are people like anyone else. At the same time, there is some fundamental difference in brain wiring. The way they think is sometimes incompatible with the norms of the surrounding culture (which tends to be neurotypical). Conversely, cultural norms are not universal. When one culture fails to understand or appreciate another, the results can be deadly. Such is the experience of autistic people in the face of a neurotypical culture.
For those who want to be accepted, the golden rule is this: Give people a reason to want your company. What's in it for them? What does the other person want?
Some popular people definitely do not fit into mainstream culture -- especially when it comes to rich leaders. Wealth often helps, but a rich person doesn't build a cult of personality just by being rich. Rather, there's at least one thing they sell that makes many people feel validated -- whether in a good way or not.
Autistic people are often eccentric. The key to fitting in is not to become a normal person. Rather, they should study how eccentric some popular leaders are -- and how such people get accepted despite, or even because, of their differences. Finally, remember -- even the most popular people are not accepted by everyone. You have to pick an audience and learn what they want most.
In the end, social skills are not learned in a vacuum. They are learned by studying real people and interacting with them. And what counts as social skills varies from culture to culture. Having the right attitude is everything. You are a culture of your own, and people will want to explore it as long as something about you impresses them.
Should you want friends, or should you want clout? Actually, the two go hand in hand. Good friends love to please each other. Each tries to be something that the other person wants. That is what caring for one another is about. True clout is about being able to influence other people. Bending over backward to please people who don't return the favor -- that is counterproductive. True popularity means that others love appealing to you.
