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Life Update - Future focus for better mental management
3 years ago
Hey there!
So, this is going to be quiet a long journal post which is mostly introspective about my own journey and resolutions for the new year. I want to be very clear here as a sort of disclaimer that my ramblings below are my *personal* views and pertain to my own behaviours rather than a global statement that applies to everyone. If what I say resonates with you in some way, then I am glad, but my intention here is not to sway your view or others to mine.
Its been a ride of ups and downs in the fandom for me, from extreme happiness to probably the most low at times but that journey has been filled with wonderful learnings and opportunities I don't think I ever would have had should I not have stepped into it way back when. I have met a myriad of wonderful and colourful people, some good, some bad but all the same, it was an ode to how wide the world really is and how when you think you are open minded, you aren't ever open minded enough. Life is a constant journey of learning, failing, using that failure to succeed and broadening the horizon further than the hill in front of you that is your comfort zone.
Which brings me to the biggest thing that I reflected on this year. Comfort zones. I have been blessed and honoured to have a lot of people who want to talk to me, and I have met some very very close friends on the way. I even run a VRC meet and get to do my small part in trying to make the muscle, size and fandom in general a little happier in my own way. I have no regrets about this, and I never will. I will continue to do this as well, but last year, I found myself burning out hard toward the end of the year. I was losing patience with myself, with my hobbies with people around me which is not normally me. So why? Why was this happening when I should be in a good place?
It took a series of some seriouis hard hitting events around November for me to pull my personal camera back and realise that my own core philosphy was slowly breaking me. I hold a very personal core principle close to my heart that I will always try to be as genuinely me as I can be no matter the circumstance or who I speak to. I want to show care, to show happiness and positivity even if its a person I just met because I feel it gives my life purpose - but in a way this is also naive of me because it is inhumanly possible to do this in a fandom so well connected to social media.
Unlike meeting your friends once in a while when you can, to keep up, minutes turn to hours, hours to days of being glued to discord, twitter or telegram. Although it is fun, and although I wish I could keep up - I realised it was burning the wick harder and harder until I felt I was losing that part of me that is able to stand against the storm when people need it. I can't be genuine to those I care about and around me if I burn myself so hard that I dont have the energy to be genuine.
At the end of the day, I took a hiatus from all social media over December, and... well I felt healthier. It made me realise that over the time I have been in the fandom, it has become my comfort zone. It is what I breathe, want, expect, engage with and I never break away with it because its comfortable to be here. And this is the main failing point. I realise, that I have started to stray away from the hard fight, the battles IRL, spreading my wings in other circles, furthering my hobbies or even keeping up with other friends because im sitting in this cushy space and im the kind of person who is *demotivated* by that sort of thing. If ortha wants to be the behemoth he wants to be, then Ortha needs to be as deep as an ocean and as wide as a pool, not a puddle the size of a planet.
This year, I intend to break that cycle.
I know many people will feel abandoned, betrayed or upset about this move, but I can only hope that people who have interacted with me will understand that this does not come out of a dark place, but one where I need to take the initiative to get my life back on track. I can only ask for that understanding but if it can't be, then I am willing to also face that music.
In lieu of that and effective immediate:
1 - I will be greatly limiting my time on social media, to the point where I may go silent for pretty much all aside from art updates. I am not leaving the fandom, but I want to focus my time outside of it. Less telegram. Less Discord DM. Less scrolling.
2 - I cannot keep up with all the DMs, I want to, and its formed a cyclic addiction to me being on the phone until I break, so I will interact on a personal level when I can, but I will switch to rather being more active on my discord server if poeple want to reach me. In the future, if you want to poke me, poke me on my discord server (not dms) and if I am around, Ill be chatting with all of you! Heck knows, more activity on the server will give it the life it deserves too!
3 - Ortha will still find his way into art, I will still do 3d and animations and post about that. Who knows, I may even with the social media cut have time to record or stream my work for people.
I don't know how well I am going to do but I do hope you are able to understand my positioning, my motives and well, wish me luck on a fairly daunting habit to break.
So, this is going to be quiet a long journal post which is mostly introspective about my own journey and resolutions for the new year. I want to be very clear here as a sort of disclaimer that my ramblings below are my *personal* views and pertain to my own behaviours rather than a global statement that applies to everyone. If what I say resonates with you in some way, then I am glad, but my intention here is not to sway your view or others to mine.
Its been a ride of ups and downs in the fandom for me, from extreme happiness to probably the most low at times but that journey has been filled with wonderful learnings and opportunities I don't think I ever would have had should I not have stepped into it way back when. I have met a myriad of wonderful and colourful people, some good, some bad but all the same, it was an ode to how wide the world really is and how when you think you are open minded, you aren't ever open minded enough. Life is a constant journey of learning, failing, using that failure to succeed and broadening the horizon further than the hill in front of you that is your comfort zone.
Which brings me to the biggest thing that I reflected on this year. Comfort zones. I have been blessed and honoured to have a lot of people who want to talk to me, and I have met some very very close friends on the way. I even run a VRC meet and get to do my small part in trying to make the muscle, size and fandom in general a little happier in my own way. I have no regrets about this, and I never will. I will continue to do this as well, but last year, I found myself burning out hard toward the end of the year. I was losing patience with myself, with my hobbies with people around me which is not normally me. So why? Why was this happening when I should be in a good place?
It took a series of some seriouis hard hitting events around November for me to pull my personal camera back and realise that my own core philosphy was slowly breaking me. I hold a very personal core principle close to my heart that I will always try to be as genuinely me as I can be no matter the circumstance or who I speak to. I want to show care, to show happiness and positivity even if its a person I just met because I feel it gives my life purpose - but in a way this is also naive of me because it is inhumanly possible to do this in a fandom so well connected to social media.
Unlike meeting your friends once in a while when you can, to keep up, minutes turn to hours, hours to days of being glued to discord, twitter or telegram. Although it is fun, and although I wish I could keep up - I realised it was burning the wick harder and harder until I felt I was losing that part of me that is able to stand against the storm when people need it. I can't be genuine to those I care about and around me if I burn myself so hard that I dont have the energy to be genuine.
At the end of the day, I took a hiatus from all social media over December, and... well I felt healthier. It made me realise that over the time I have been in the fandom, it has become my comfort zone. It is what I breathe, want, expect, engage with and I never break away with it because its comfortable to be here. And this is the main failing point. I realise, that I have started to stray away from the hard fight, the battles IRL, spreading my wings in other circles, furthering my hobbies or even keeping up with other friends because im sitting in this cushy space and im the kind of person who is *demotivated* by that sort of thing. If ortha wants to be the behemoth he wants to be, then Ortha needs to be as deep as an ocean and as wide as a pool, not a puddle the size of a planet.
This year, I intend to break that cycle.
I know many people will feel abandoned, betrayed or upset about this move, but I can only hope that people who have interacted with me will understand that this does not come out of a dark place, but one where I need to take the initiative to get my life back on track. I can only ask for that understanding but if it can't be, then I am willing to also face that music.
In lieu of that and effective immediate:
1 - I will be greatly limiting my time on social media, to the point where I may go silent for pretty much all aside from art updates. I am not leaving the fandom, but I want to focus my time outside of it. Less telegram. Less Discord DM. Less scrolling.
2 - I cannot keep up with all the DMs, I want to, and its formed a cyclic addiction to me being on the phone until I break, so I will interact on a personal level when I can, but I will switch to rather being more active on my discord server if poeple want to reach me. In the future, if you want to poke me, poke me on my discord server (not dms) and if I am around, Ill be chatting with all of you! Heck knows, more activity on the server will give it the life it deserves too!
3 - Ortha will still find his way into art, I will still do 3d and animations and post about that. Who knows, I may even with the social media cut have time to record or stream my work for people.
I don't know how well I am going to do but I do hope you are able to understand my positioning, my motives and well, wish me luck on a fairly daunting habit to break.
I hope you're able to cut back to a point where you feel far more comfortable with the interactions you do involve yourself with! Social media can be a horrible cause for burnout, and it's one I've been watching more carefully myself. Uninstalling telegram was a big plus for me!
You need to lay down for a while to take the back seat approach and mainly just maintain some of the behind the screen stuff, do it. We aren't leaving anytime soon.