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A journal would probably help, huh?
3 years ago
General
Ok breathe, you got everything you wanted uploaded, your own body and brain isn't rebelling against the simple desire to upload those things, that little voice that screams "this is a mistake" in the background has been thrust back into the darkness BREATHE... explain. >///<
I tried to draft this journal about 8 times and the only thing I knew for sure I was going to say: "We are not going to talk about the last journal." And we're not! ...Mostly. I did read the replies I assure you, but I haven't even been able to look at it since I wrote it. So honestly, if I scared anyone or butchered my reputation by anything I said in that journal, I'm sorry. It was just the ravings of a man who had broken completely last year, I'm gonna treat it like that and that's it. Against my better judgement I won't delete it, just knowing it'll no longer be the first thing people see on my page is enough of a relief.
PLANS... CHANGE. That's all I can really think to say. The last two years I have tried as hard as I can to stick to plans I made and not one of them has gone anywhere. I take pride in being bull-headed enough to try and push through a problem no matter what, not take that fucking L. But sometimes you just stand back, look at the carnage surrounding you, and realize that it is utterly not worth the headache. So you know what? I'm not gonna do it anymore. I'm sorry if you were looking forward to a comic from me that never materialized. I'm sorry if the stuff I upload doesn't make sense until a picture I upload 3 months later finally gives it context. I'm sorry if my drawings aren't always of a consistent stellar quality on par with studio trigger.
All these things might still happen, might not. But I am no longer going to PLAN my life around them. I am simply going to draw, and see where my chaotic brain takes me. It's seemingly the only way I can function without wanting to commit die, it's the only way you're guaranteed to see consistent work out of me, so that... is the end of that.
That probably sounded flippant but no. I'll probably explain more about what got me here in the next few weeks or months. Today was me getting back on my feet, and I figured showing what I had, however little, was finally better then continued silence. If you're still hanging in there with me after all this time, I hope you like the new stuff I uploaded, I cannot overstate how much I appreciate your continued support... I want to hug you. I want to put you all in plushsuits and hug each and every one of you so you double or maybe even triple feel it. That real enough for you? :P
See you all on the flip side.
PS: there was one extra thing I wanted to say if I could fit it in: Certain websites that shall go unnamed? Websites I'm forced to use and try my darndest to make do on and enjoy my time on and socialize with good people? It would be awfully nice if you would stop the fuck imploding every 2 minutes when no-one asked you to. Especially every time I just consider coming back to them, that's really just... Mmmph, nothing does more wonders for the morale! If you could stop making me walk in on a dumpster fire because some spoilt rich kid with no friends put an electrical cable in a banana cream pie? That'd be just fucking peachy.
I tried to draft this journal about 8 times and the only thing I knew for sure I was going to say: "We are not going to talk about the last journal." And we're not! ...Mostly. I did read the replies I assure you, but I haven't even been able to look at it since I wrote it. So honestly, if I scared anyone or butchered my reputation by anything I said in that journal, I'm sorry. It was just the ravings of a man who had broken completely last year, I'm gonna treat it like that and that's it. Against my better judgement I won't delete it, just knowing it'll no longer be the first thing people see on my page is enough of a relief.
PLANS... CHANGE. That's all I can really think to say. The last two years I have tried as hard as I can to stick to plans I made and not one of them has gone anywhere. I take pride in being bull-headed enough to try and push through a problem no matter what, not take that fucking L. But sometimes you just stand back, look at the carnage surrounding you, and realize that it is utterly not worth the headache. So you know what? I'm not gonna do it anymore. I'm sorry if you were looking forward to a comic from me that never materialized. I'm sorry if the stuff I upload doesn't make sense until a picture I upload 3 months later finally gives it context. I'm sorry if my drawings aren't always of a consistent stellar quality on par with studio trigger.
All these things might still happen, might not. But I am no longer going to PLAN my life around them. I am simply going to draw, and see where my chaotic brain takes me. It's seemingly the only way I can function without wanting to commit die, it's the only way you're guaranteed to see consistent work out of me, so that... is the end of that.
That probably sounded flippant but no. I'll probably explain more about what got me here in the next few weeks or months. Today was me getting back on my feet, and I figured showing what I had, however little, was finally better then continued silence. If you're still hanging in there with me after all this time, I hope you like the new stuff I uploaded, I cannot overstate how much I appreciate your continued support... I want to hug you. I want to put you all in plushsuits and hug each and every one of you so you double or maybe even triple feel it. That real enough for you? :P
See you all on the flip side.
PS: there was one extra thing I wanted to say if I could fit it in: Certain websites that shall go unnamed? Websites I'm forced to use and try my darndest to make do on and enjoy my time on and socialize with good people? It would be awfully nice if you would stop the fuck imploding every 2 minutes when no-one asked you to. Especially every time I just consider coming back to them, that's really just... Mmmph, nothing does more wonders for the morale! If you could stop making me walk in on a dumpster fire because some spoilt rich kid with no friends put an electrical cable in a banana cream pie? That'd be just fucking peachy.
Still, nice to have ya back ^^
I do hope you find a mental space in which you can feel safe! I won't try and bestow any specific advice or whatever, since again, I'm just some random dude on the internet, but some of these do seem like pretty common stresses among art folk -- my own poison is writing (nothing on this account yet), and most of the time I hate my writing enough that it never gets published lmao. At least what helps me sleep better at night is learning a bit to let go of expectation and stop comparing myself to others. We'll all get there eventually on our own journeys.
The fact that you still yearn to create and improve in the face of such adversity is no small matter. Take care of yourself! Never forget that your art, and you, are unique and valuable and something to be proud of.
Glad to see you Back, you are one of my favorite artists. Stay safe.
Good luck with your mental fights, I am sure you will find the way to deal with stuff and become happier
This blue plushsuit kittty will give you all the virtual hugs you need