FA+
Shop
Real talk time
2 years ago
Latest news, breaking every hour!
Hey everyone,
It's been a while, right? I mean, a long time between journals, I don't upload enough. I'm working on that other one, for real!
But I wanted to be a bit open today.
It's been about a year since I moved out of my old home, two years after I had to leave my job overseas to come back to the States. Since then, everything went to hell, while I was with my family. It was two really bad years and a lot of negativity, enough that I barely made it for this move. And when I did leave, when I went halfway across the country, I thought things would get better. I told everyone they did, all the time. And I don't think I was entirely honest.
Some stuff is better! In some places, I feel a lot more... stable than I have in years. I've had actual fun, had a friend to be around, all of that. It's honestly been the happiest I've been in a few years, which is saying a lot. I miss my job abroad but I am glad I took this plunge. I mean, I got back to writing, I met friends and fans on here, and I even started streaming! A lot of that has been really important to me and I can't believe anyone pays attention to me. I'm shocked, every day, by how much you guys can care. Friends, fans, whatever you all are?
You mean everything.
But I still barely sleep. I get these awful stress dreams that keep me from getting back to bed. I feel a lot of motivation issues, lacks of it or suddenly too much. A lot of stuff has hit me harder than it should have while I let important things slide too long. Been all over the place for too long, longer than I thought, and it's hurt more than a couple of people close to me. Those of you who stayed with me for all of it? All I can say is you all mean the world to me, more than I can ever tell you, and I'm sorry.
Anyone i let down too much and left? I'm just sorry.
This is actually really hard to write, honestly. Tearing up a little doing it, here at my desk. And I don't really know why I'm writing it, other than feeling like I just need to tell you all what's up. I thought that changing my location would help, and I still do somehow, but that's not all there is. There's only so much changing the outside can do when it's internally fucked up. And I guess that's really what I have to work on, you know? I can't expect things to change sitting still, but that's not just literal. I can't keep trying to run away from fixing my own feelings.
If you want change, some of it has to come from inside.
I'm figuring out what that means. Do I need to go back on anti-depressants? Maybe. Do I need to really sit down and... just talk to someone about everything for two years, the whole family stuff and how it hits me still? Yeah, that might help. I know a lot of what should and could and might work.
But I'm not sure?
I dunno, I'm not going anywhere. But I am gonna try to get better. Do better. Figure out what that means, what can help. And I'm going to work on it. I'll even try to be a bit more open with everyone, communicate better and work harder. Communicating how I feel has always been something I struggled with, bad upbringing for that. I need to change that, like so many other things. I can do better, I know it. I just have to work on it and actually do it.
I just hope you guys will stick along for the ride.
So hey everyone, thank you if you read. You're my world, all of you. I'm sorry I didn't take care of that.
This has been Zyla. I'll be around and I'll get better.
It's been a while, right? I mean, a long time between journals, I don't upload enough. I'm working on that other one, for real!
But I wanted to be a bit open today.
It's been about a year since I moved out of my old home, two years after I had to leave my job overseas to come back to the States. Since then, everything went to hell, while I was with my family. It was two really bad years and a lot of negativity, enough that I barely made it for this move. And when I did leave, when I went halfway across the country, I thought things would get better. I told everyone they did, all the time. And I don't think I was entirely honest.
Some stuff is better! In some places, I feel a lot more... stable than I have in years. I've had actual fun, had a friend to be around, all of that. It's honestly been the happiest I've been in a few years, which is saying a lot. I miss my job abroad but I am glad I took this plunge. I mean, I got back to writing, I met friends and fans on here, and I even started streaming! A lot of that has been really important to me and I can't believe anyone pays attention to me. I'm shocked, every day, by how much you guys can care. Friends, fans, whatever you all are?
You mean everything.
But I still barely sleep. I get these awful stress dreams that keep me from getting back to bed. I feel a lot of motivation issues, lacks of it or suddenly too much. A lot of stuff has hit me harder than it should have while I let important things slide too long. Been all over the place for too long, longer than I thought, and it's hurt more than a couple of people close to me. Those of you who stayed with me for all of it? All I can say is you all mean the world to me, more than I can ever tell you, and I'm sorry.
Anyone i let down too much and left? I'm just sorry.
This is actually really hard to write, honestly. Tearing up a little doing it, here at my desk. And I don't really know why I'm writing it, other than feeling like I just need to tell you all what's up. I thought that changing my location would help, and I still do somehow, but that's not all there is. There's only so much changing the outside can do when it's internally fucked up. And I guess that's really what I have to work on, you know? I can't expect things to change sitting still, but that's not just literal. I can't keep trying to run away from fixing my own feelings.
If you want change, some of it has to come from inside.
I'm figuring out what that means. Do I need to go back on anti-depressants? Maybe. Do I need to really sit down and... just talk to someone about everything for two years, the whole family stuff and how it hits me still? Yeah, that might help. I know a lot of what should and could and might work.
But I'm not sure?
I dunno, I'm not going anywhere. But I am gonna try to get better. Do better. Figure out what that means, what can help. And I'm going to work on it. I'll even try to be a bit more open with everyone, communicate better and work harder. Communicating how I feel has always been something I struggled with, bad upbringing for that. I need to change that, like so many other things. I can do better, I know it. I just have to work on it and actually do it.
I just hope you guys will stick along for the ride.
So hey everyone, thank you if you read. You're my world, all of you. I'm sorry I didn't take care of that.
This has been Zyla. I'll be around and I'll get better.
I hope you find your way foxxo, whichever form it takes, we love you <3
We love you foxxo!
Let us know if we can help. Even if it's just a friendly hug or an ear to listen.
Much love from this horse. :)
either way I'd still be supporting you.
hope things get better for you.
But the main thing is to stay strong and not lose heart.
Life is an endless test and the goal of each of us is to overcome them and not be afraid.
I believe in you friend and I am sure you will cope with everything that disturbs you. Because you are a hero to me, and heroes never give up)))
Za Warudo!
I don't know what you've honestly been through, and to mentally grasp the amount of weight on you shoulders is something that might just be impossible. However, you're still here and doing stuff. Maybe your doing this for fun, or obligation, or just out right just for something to pay the bills. What matters is that your chosing to do this, to write and tell stories because your choosing to. I might not always be around or even be on time, but I'm fully behind you and what you do because you do it. You're an amazing person, don't forget it.