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Pathetic artist rant
3 years ago
It's so difficult to stay positive with myself when I feel like a complete failure so the time.
I can't tell if there's something wrong with me, or if I'm just a lazy piece of shit who can't even get out of bed.
It's like I'm waiting for someone to tell me that my work is Something worth being seen. Does that make me a terrible person? To seek some form of validation? I'm aware that isn't how the real world works, yet here I am.
Which is bullshit, 9/10 models I've made for people have been positively received by their owners. Why can't I just be happy with that?
I'm already on meds for anxiety and ADHD, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I don't want to push for higher power meds, because there's a part of me that feels like I'm just faking it. What if I'm just a weak piece of shit and my shortcomings Just happen to line up with the symptoms? Especially with stronger ADHD meds having simulants. If I don't actually have it, taking those would be about like taking speed.
It also bothers me that I'm here complaining about my mundane problems while it feels like the world is Falling apart and the ears/eyes of others could be better appreciated elsewhere.
I just want to be able to enjoy doing what im passionate about. I don't think I could ever make a full time carrier out of it. But just to have the confidence, motivation and drive to just do it.
Sorry about the pathetic social rant. I'm done now.
I can't tell if there's something wrong with me, or if I'm just a lazy piece of shit who can't even get out of bed.
It's like I'm waiting for someone to tell me that my work is Something worth being seen. Does that make me a terrible person? To seek some form of validation? I'm aware that isn't how the real world works, yet here I am.
Which is bullshit, 9/10 models I've made for people have been positively received by their owners. Why can't I just be happy with that?
I'm already on meds for anxiety and ADHD, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I don't want to push for higher power meds, because there's a part of me that feels like I'm just faking it. What if I'm just a weak piece of shit and my shortcomings Just happen to line up with the symptoms? Especially with stronger ADHD meds having simulants. If I don't actually have it, taking those would be about like taking speed.
It also bothers me that I'm here complaining about my mundane problems while it feels like the world is Falling apart and the ears/eyes of others could be better appreciated elsewhere.
I just want to be able to enjoy doing what im passionate about. I don't think I could ever make a full time carrier out of it. But just to have the confidence, motivation and drive to just do it.
Sorry about the pathetic social rant. I'm done now.
I can identify with you - today, although I got to my desk to work, I was incessantly distracted from what I was supposed to be doing, scatter-brained with what I was doing instead, and feeling like a fraud. And although I'm about to go on ADHD meds, I'm feeling like it's overkill and probably I'm not actually ADHD but just habituated to thinking like I do and meds aren't going to solve anything.
Just because the rest of the world has problems too, doesn't mean yours aren't important in your context: if you broke your leg, you'd splint it up - you wouldn't fret about doing that while other countries are at war or whatever.
What might help are all the normal things folks encourage us to do - sleep 8 hours a night, exercise, eat fresh vegetables, walk in nature and appreciate it, see friends in real life, take breaks, talking to yourself like you would your best friend. Also, breaking hard or daunting tasks up into micro-steps.
One thing folks with ADHD often do is to be harsh on themselves. Cut yourself some slack.
This prepared journal might help: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8892077/
Yeah the stronger ADHD stuff is chemically similar to amphetamines. But hey you'd be joining the tradition of the greatest artist who were of course strung out on their drug of choice when they made their best stuff. Until it killed them though.