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Well, kinda fail.
2 years ago
Sry to say this but i guess i can't finish most of the stuff that was requested . After a lot of trail and error i found out it would restrict me a little bit ATM 'cause of certain circumstances. The ideas itself where interesting and believe me i did a lot of conceptions , but in the end it went nowhere. Wrapping my head around some of the things suggested really got me into try-hard mode ( especially the fursona stuff )
Point is ( and excuse me for sounding like i'm broken record here) but it is always the same for me. I like to pretty much "please" ppl , be it in RL or online. As much as i wish to see how some folks perceive the stuff i do as "consistent, i can't see it myself ever doing' something like that ever. I think the main force that drives me personally is in fact "Inconsistency" be it in art "style" or whatever. As much as i try to copy ppl with a certain style because it's "trending" or whatever i just can't do it do it to the extend that would convey emotions. Given that, i never was a emotional person.
Depression is pretty much all i have right now that drives me. Taking pills to suppress depression, but getting even more depressed 'cause of not having emotions. People who have the same problem should know that even if you have everything in your live you could wish for by social standards ( fame, money, loving families and whatever) it doesn't matter. One wrong move and you're six feet under. I drive an expensive car, have a house and so on.... meaningless shit. If you gave me enough money to never worry again i wouldn't even know what to do with it. Drinking Alcohol and knowing to 100% it will make me miserable and still doing it.
If you know you reach for an unreachable goal and try to make artwork out of it it's kinda strange. Almost feels like a cry for help that will never be answered. It's not even the way how you do it. I saw so many artwork that by any "standard" wouldn't be recognized as artwork cause the execution itself doesn't match social status quo or artistic "standard", but in the end it still conveys emotion or believes. I could look at a stick figure and still see something in it that moves me, at least to some point
Maybe it sounds a bit stereotypical, but i just listen to the "new" oldish song from Linkin Park "Lost" ( even though i knew it was a bad idea.) and that song really hits hard in so many ways. Growing up with Linkin Park and never understood anything.... now a few years later a lot of it makes sense. It's really surreal to listen to a person that had pretty much everything but still passed away in such a way.
Maybe once things settle a bit down and i found a center somewhere i will continue whit a few things that I've started.
I envy all of you that don't give a fuck and life they're live however you want and be happy, no matter how strange it is to other ppl.
Point is ( and excuse me for sounding like i'm broken record here) but it is always the same for me. I like to pretty much "please" ppl , be it in RL or online. As much as i wish to see how some folks perceive the stuff i do as "consistent, i can't see it myself ever doing' something like that ever. I think the main force that drives me personally is in fact "Inconsistency" be it in art "style" or whatever. As much as i try to copy ppl with a certain style because it's "trending" or whatever i just can't do it do it to the extend that would convey emotions. Given that, i never was a emotional person.
Depression is pretty much all i have right now that drives me. Taking pills to suppress depression, but getting even more depressed 'cause of not having emotions. People who have the same problem should know that even if you have everything in your live you could wish for by social standards ( fame, money, loving families and whatever) it doesn't matter. One wrong move and you're six feet under. I drive an expensive car, have a house and so on.... meaningless shit. If you gave me enough money to never worry again i wouldn't even know what to do with it. Drinking Alcohol and knowing to 100% it will make me miserable and still doing it.
If you know you reach for an unreachable goal and try to make artwork out of it it's kinda strange. Almost feels like a cry for help that will never be answered. It's not even the way how you do it. I saw so many artwork that by any "standard" wouldn't be recognized as artwork cause the execution itself doesn't match social status quo or artistic "standard", but in the end it still conveys emotion or believes. I could look at a stick figure and still see something in it that moves me, at least to some point
Maybe it sounds a bit stereotypical, but i just listen to the "new" oldish song from Linkin Park "Lost" ( even though i knew it was a bad idea.) and that song really hits hard in so many ways. Growing up with Linkin Park and never understood anything.... now a few years later a lot of it makes sense. It's really surreal to listen to a person that had pretty much everything but still passed away in such a way.
Maybe once things settle a bit down and i found a center somewhere i will continue whit a few things that I've started.
I envy all of you that don't give a fuck and life they're live however you want and be happy, no matter how strange it is to other ppl.
Also, i though because of the links you provided me to your artwork it would be easier to do, but oh boy, trying to mix all the features together was really something else... and the funny thing is it should be to hard to do 'cause mixing things together It's what i'm used to do, go figure.
This is probably heavily amplified in a space like this where there is a lot of desire for what artists make. At times some may even come to consider it a responsibility. But, it's not. Once those feelings sink in they can be terribly difficult to unlearn. But, it can be done.
Still, seems like you've been through a lot and are going through a lot. Hopefully you can connect with someone who can help with some of the feelings sometime. Or, at least make art fun again.
Recognition is actually something i don't know what do with. Every time i get praise at work or in general for something i did i'm pretty much like "happy you like it" but doesn't do anything to my mood or feelings ( what is left of them anyway )... wish i would be uplifted by nice words or being recognized like other ppl, but that won't happen, wasn't even a thing in my younger years.
Art was/is always fun to me to some extend, even if i have no connection to it the way i would like to. But i have to say it felt sometimes robotic... don't know if that was really fun or just killing time.
Time will tell, trying something new maybe works.
I struggled for years being totally dead inside. It took hitting pretty low for me to look around, look at myself and make a decision to change things. Find something to live for, to strive towards, to achieve, to make things better. For me, it was losing weight.
And from there, it got a little easier. I still have bouts of depression, but I see them now, and I don't allow them to control me for too long. I tell it "You can have an hour, but no more". And I will cry and yell. And when I'm tired, I will tell it that it's had its time, now it's my turn.
It took a long time to learn to see it, and understand it, and to limit it. And it can be hard to get there. But it's possible. You taking on art is a good step, but like you said, you're doing it for the wrong reason. Do it for YOU.... no one else. Just YOU. Don't open yourself up to anything that can drag you down, like judgment or expectations. Find something that can uplift you, even if it's something new and untried. And if you can, try talking to someone you can trust. That can help immensely!
Apologies if I rambled too long. I just feel real strongly about depression.
Don't worry about rambling, i do this to.
And know that there are people out here that appreciate your art, so try not to feel like that is a failing (because it absolutely is not. Been a long time fan of you art :) )
Talking to myself feels differently as it was published on Youtube the day Chester left us
and the publication of Lost also hit me hard...
Same when I heard one of their last live performance where they invited different guest singers to sing Chester's lines. It went cool and heartwelming, until I heard Papercut, where Mike sang "the sun goes down" part by himself and alone, it hit me real worse than I expected.
That said I hope that you will get better... unsure of what to say apart from that weid and somewhat useless "I feel you" message, but I figured it was better than just saying nothing
Hmm, you know, i did like 7 rough concepts of your idea. Maybe cause it was something that is pretty much in line with my quest for shiny latex stuff, even though it wasn't exactly what i was aiming for.
I work, try to enjoy art and music while helping others and slowly loosing myself.
Money and job people would kill for, skills some dream of and all I do is dig a deeper hole trying to live with myself, impossible.
I have feelings, but not.
I'm definitely not a robot, but have no idea how to feel "normal" or feel at all most days just numb the pain knowing my "cure" is part of the cause, but having no ability to stop the loop...
Linkin park is a favorite and I have no idea how to live, but I keep on regardless, you're art is interesting hopefully you find yourself and a way to feel again.
Honestly feel and happiness, but I think most artists have this problem, we can express what we don't understand, but want... we feel on a different level
Stupid reality