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feeling down about my art
2 years ago
i hate to use journals as a vent space because really it's a personal thing i should be trying to fix on my own but idk. sometimes you need to ask for help and that's okay, there's nothing wrong with needing some validation or advice
i'm just in a really low spot mentally, along with going through the iconic identity crisis you get at 25 apparently, but i'm kinda starting to feel shameful about the stuff i like to make, i've never felt this so deeply before now and i dont know what to do or how to cope with it
i really enjoy drawing porn! and furries! and i'm proud of the art that i make and it makes me happy! but i'm afraid that i'm not "living up" to my "full potential"... like, i hate feeling like i need to hide what i do from people. i don't ever show people my art unless i know for CERTAIN they're going to be cool about it. especially being queer i feel like this is another case of internalized shit that i'm terrified to confront...
my internal monologue when i think about art lately is just... i COULD be making personal projects and profound stories and really meaningful things that make a lot of people feel seen. but instead i'm drawing porn. and i like it that way? why do i like drawing porn? is there something wrong with me? i'm definitely not the only person in the world who feels this way, but does anyone else have the same battle with themselves over this stuff? how do i stop caring what other people think?? i'm trying SOOO DESPERATELY to stop caring about what other people think!!!!!
it's really hard to feel like im being "creative" as a porn artist. the internet isn't very kind to artists like me either. we're just seen as weird shut-in perverts or porn addicts. not to get too deep here or anything, but i started drawing porn because i'm hypersexual but i'm Definitely on the ace/aro spectrum somewhere (and neurodivergent so. sensory issues) so having sex irl is actually Too Much for me a lot of the timewhich is something i've had to figure out on my own as i got older, i just needed a release. it's my escapism, my fantasies come to life. i feel like that alone should make me feel like a true artist, i'm soothing my tortured soul that craves intimacy but can't have it. but there isn't much positivity out there for porn artists, regardless of Why they make what they make, seeing what people have to say about porn artists a lot of the time makes me feel like im making the situation Worse, even if it's a healthy coping mechanism
sometimes i try to rock it, i'm a weirdo and i know that! i love being a weirdo furry porn artist who happily draws weird shit! there's nothing you can do to stop me from being that way! but sometimes... it's hard for me to keep up that attitude. i know i shouldnt be sitting here questioning *why* something makes me happy when i previously haven't had issues with it, but it's really getting to me as i start to explore my artistic side a bit more and wonder why i've been dealt this hand
i dont really know what i'm asking here exactly. to the other porn artists following me, do you ever feel the same or similar? how do you cope with these feelings? do you have another mindset entirely? will this line of thinking ever end?? i'm sick of it
thanks for reading if you did, i feel bad about venting on here, i try not to get too personal (for some... reason... i dont know why) but i hope this isnt too much to take in. and just to clarify i only feel this way about MYSELF, i look up to so many other porn artists online and i wish i could have the confidence that they have with their art. it's literally something that i aspire to do full-time and i'd be happy to do so. but i have my own demons i need to tame before i can really start a "career" doing this :( i just don't know where to start and i'd love to know about some proper coping mechanisms to get over this train of thought
i'm just in a really low spot mentally, along with going through the iconic identity crisis you get at 25 apparently, but i'm kinda starting to feel shameful about the stuff i like to make, i've never felt this so deeply before now and i dont know what to do or how to cope with it
i really enjoy drawing porn! and furries! and i'm proud of the art that i make and it makes me happy! but i'm afraid that i'm not "living up" to my "full potential"... like, i hate feeling like i need to hide what i do from people. i don't ever show people my art unless i know for CERTAIN they're going to be cool about it. especially being queer i feel like this is another case of internalized shit that i'm terrified to confront...
my internal monologue when i think about art lately is just... i COULD be making personal projects and profound stories and really meaningful things that make a lot of people feel seen. but instead i'm drawing porn. and i like it that way? why do i like drawing porn? is there something wrong with me? i'm definitely not the only person in the world who feels this way, but does anyone else have the same battle with themselves over this stuff? how do i stop caring what other people think?? i'm trying SOOO DESPERATELY to stop caring about what other people think!!!!!
it's really hard to feel like im being "creative" as a porn artist. the internet isn't very kind to artists like me either. we're just seen as weird shut-in perverts or porn addicts. not to get too deep here or anything, but i started drawing porn because i'm hypersexual but i'm Definitely on the ace/aro spectrum somewhere (and neurodivergent so. sensory issues) so having sex irl is actually Too Much for me a lot of the time
sometimes i try to rock it, i'm a weirdo and i know that! i love being a weirdo furry porn artist who happily draws weird shit! there's nothing you can do to stop me from being that way! but sometimes... it's hard for me to keep up that attitude. i know i shouldnt be sitting here questioning *why* something makes me happy when i previously haven't had issues with it, but it's really getting to me as i start to explore my artistic side a bit more and wonder why i've been dealt this hand
i dont really know what i'm asking here exactly. to the other porn artists following me, do you ever feel the same or similar? how do you cope with these feelings? do you have another mindset entirely? will this line of thinking ever end?? i'm sick of it
thanks for reading if you did, i feel bad about venting on here, i try not to get too personal (for some... reason... i dont know why) but i hope this isnt too much to take in. and just to clarify i only feel this way about MYSELF, i look up to so many other porn artists online and i wish i could have the confidence that they have with their art. it's literally something that i aspire to do full-time and i'd be happy to do so. but i have my own demons i need to tame before i can really start a "career" doing this :( i just don't know where to start and i'd love to know about some proper coping mechanisms to get over this train of thought
That being said.
For me my own happiness and well being is so much more important then what other people will think of me. Ever since the pandemic started I've come to realize how everything can go wrong in a flash. Basically what I'm trying to say is that life is way to short to worry what others may think.
I rather focus on the people who share my views on life and the things I am into, I try to actively seek them out to enjoy our shared niche interests (heck I even started a discord server for artists who share one of my kinks).
I think eroticism is just as high standard as any other form of art. I feel proud if my artwork manages to evoke arousal in someone. It's so much more then just drawing boobs, peen and vagina's. It's the context of a scene, the facial expressions, the dynamic between two or more people. Think about it, what really makes an erotic piece of art hit you the right way? I bet it's not only just the body parts or certain performed actions.
Next to that making art (especially of my own sona) helps me explore my own kinks and sexuality in a safe a healthy manner. For me this is a hobby and personal interest first and foremost, would be awesome if I could pay the dough with it some day, but if not it still serves an important purpose in my personal life.
I hope this helps a bit :)
also i do really need to talk to a sex therapist or something bc like x_x whew .... that could be really good for me i think