I want to start off this journal with the fact that I have been a lurker within the furry fandom for a good five years of my life since I was fourteen and all the way until I was nineteen. I was fascinated with the amount of queer men within the community and how everyone felt so comfortable with being their selves. But, being yourself came with an asterisk as I would find out when I finally dipped my toes into the fandom when I was twenty. My first fursona was Al, the tiger. He was supposed to be a representation of my aggressive side and I acted accordingly. I often told people what I thought with no filter and that obviously went horribly since many people in the fandom prefer ultra-positivity all the time lest you be honest. I was often combative with people who even had different opinions from mine and I certainly didn't make many friends that way. I felt more alone in the fandom at that time than I have ever been. Hell, even when I was lurker, I had furry friends who would tell me what the fandom was like for them: fun, exciting, full of parties and friends. But, I had a completely different experience than them. Mine was isolating and arduous since I was alone both irl and online. I eventually did give up the furry fandom for a year since I had to focus on college and my courses were getting harder and harder. I was content with being a STEM major who only focused on his work. That was fine with me.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2020, I wanted to try one more time to maybe rekindle some joy that I once experienced when I was a lurker. I learned from my experience and chose to perform a hyper-positive personality that was always agreeable and amicable. And I chose to explore that personality through Baron, my otter. The performance worked for a while when I went into Discord servers to chat with other people. I was always making sure to say, "Hello", to everyone and be a friendly face that would listen. Even if they were the type to pontificate every single little detail of their "arduous" life. I also always spoke in an extremely flamboyant voice to add to Baron's personality which is a counter to my default aggressively maudlin tone. Through the VC channels, I always performed the character and it was nice at first. I finally got a circle of friends to regularly chat with and I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. I was at peace for a time. Until a month later when I noticed that I was acting out in small bursts of anger. I would lash out at anyone who remotely made a joke at my expense and the results were pretty ugly. I often went on long tirades of how the person was so mean and how things could have gone differently if they just communicated. Regardless, I would've seemed like a crazy person to anyone who read that long and verbose chain of comments. With those events consistently happening once a month, I realized that performing Baron's personality was not healthy for me in the long term. Sure, I enjoyed playing the flamboyant gay man who was always smiling, but I didn't want to be a fucking clown on the Internet...

...I guess that leads to today. I decided to take a step back from Baron and try out new personalities through Willow and Arun. But, they were facing the same problem as Al since they were still combative and ready to throw hands down at a moment's notice. In the end, I'm trying to enjoy my time in the fandom, my God is it impossible on the count of being-

No. I'm not going to bring that up, no matter how valid my feelings may be. I can't blame things that are out of my control all the time. I think I need to take a healthier approach to my current situation.

I guess it's time to take a break from the fandom. I think I'm done after FCL. So, good-bye for now. Stay safe and love yourselves!

-Baron