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Have I Become Scared Along The Way?
2 years ago
--> My T.O.S. <--
Alright, uhm, pretty much I'm feeling like writing down a bunch of thoughts I've had so far this year.
So, as a starting point to all of this, it's important to understand how much I've become dependent on my posting-schedule the last 3 years.
I post every monday, wednesday and friday on FA and every sunday on patreon. And it's this consistency that made me very happy for a long
time. And by "dependent" I mean, like, not breaking the schedule has become a very important mission in my head, because otherwise I'd feel
lazy or unproductive and in the worst case I could spiral into "Well I missed one post, what's another missed post gonna matter now?" and really
start slacking.
Now, what's great and bad about this schedule is that it's literally a perfect sweet spot. It's the exact amount of work where I feel very productive,
but don't run into burnout territory. If you've followed me for some time, you know I've had severe burnout issues multiple times throughout this
artistic career, especially last year around this time, where just for a few days, it got so bad that I despised the idea of drawing anymore and I had
to take a month off.
And I think this is where I developed some fear, or where it started manifesting more firmly. No idea if that's just very normal for most people, it
sounds like it would be...
but I'm sometimes just afraid of burning out if I try a little harder.
What I mean is, why not spend more time with pictures again to flesh them out more, or why not post 4 pics on FA once in a while instead of 3?
There is currently a folder on my PC titled "Ready To Go" and it consists of roughly 20 pictures I have drawn this year that I have not posted yet,
and I am afraid to post them. Because if I do, maybe I will not have anything ready to go out anymore if I ever need a break and can't draw,
thus breaking my schedule. Or maybe people will get used to 4 pictures a week and find it disappointing if I returned to 3. What if one sunday I
don't have any doodles left for patreon and feel forced to sketch some random garbage just to meet a quota?
When I started drawing more than 13 years ago I wanted to become really, really good one day and I've practiced for thousands and thousands
of hours to get to where I am today, but I'm still far from where I want to be. And I can't get there if I'm afraid to bite off more than I can chew.
But I don't know, that last burnout hit me harder than anything before and just recklessly drawing through the nights again has become a
very scary thought. I never want to end up hating drawing again.
I've had this thought that the Ready-To-Go folder can become a cushion of some sort, something to fall back on if times get tough, but now sometimes
it feels like I'm drawing stuff just to grow the cushion and not for the sake of having fun drawing anymore. At some point the idea that "Maybe once
the cushion becomes big enough, the fear of a few all-nighters here and there again will dissipate" has popped into my head and I've latched onto that,
but that's also not ideal. Feels like I'm becoming stagnant in a safe place while other people draw all this amazing stuff and leave me behind. On that note,
I really wanted to make a journal about jealousy at some point, maybe I'll do that next.
Despite all that, I still do have fun with my doodles, but this underlying fear dampens the joy now and again and I guess I've become aware of that in
the last couple days and just wanted to put into words how I felt.
Aaaanyway, that's all from the woof.
Thanks for reading~
So, as a starting point to all of this, it's important to understand how much I've become dependent on my posting-schedule the last 3 years.
I post every monday, wednesday and friday on FA and every sunday on patreon. And it's this consistency that made me very happy for a long
time. And by "dependent" I mean, like, not breaking the schedule has become a very important mission in my head, because otherwise I'd feel
lazy or unproductive and in the worst case I could spiral into "Well I missed one post, what's another missed post gonna matter now?" and really
start slacking.
Now, what's great and bad about this schedule is that it's literally a perfect sweet spot. It's the exact amount of work where I feel very productive,
but don't run into burnout territory. If you've followed me for some time, you know I've had severe burnout issues multiple times throughout this
artistic career, especially last year around this time, where just for a few days, it got so bad that I despised the idea of drawing anymore and I had
to take a month off.
And I think this is where I developed some fear, or where it started manifesting more firmly. No idea if that's just very normal for most people, it
sounds like it would be...
but I'm sometimes just afraid of burning out if I try a little harder.
What I mean is, why not spend more time with pictures again to flesh them out more, or why not post 4 pics on FA once in a while instead of 3?
There is currently a folder on my PC titled "Ready To Go" and it consists of roughly 20 pictures I have drawn this year that I have not posted yet,
and I am afraid to post them. Because if I do, maybe I will not have anything ready to go out anymore if I ever need a break and can't draw,
thus breaking my schedule. Or maybe people will get used to 4 pictures a week and find it disappointing if I returned to 3. What if one sunday I
don't have any doodles left for patreon and feel forced to sketch some random garbage just to meet a quota?
When I started drawing more than 13 years ago I wanted to become really, really good one day and I've practiced for thousands and thousands
of hours to get to where I am today, but I'm still far from where I want to be. And I can't get there if I'm afraid to bite off more than I can chew.
But I don't know, that last burnout hit me harder than anything before and just recklessly drawing through the nights again has become a
very scary thought. I never want to end up hating drawing again.
I've had this thought that the Ready-To-Go folder can become a cushion of some sort, something to fall back on if times get tough, but now sometimes
it feels like I'm drawing stuff just to grow the cushion and not for the sake of having fun drawing anymore. At some point the idea that "Maybe once
the cushion becomes big enough, the fear of a few all-nighters here and there again will dissipate" has popped into my head and I've latched onto that,
but that's also not ideal. Feels like I'm becoming stagnant in a safe place while other people draw all this amazing stuff and leave me behind. On that note,
I really wanted to make a journal about jealousy at some point, maybe I'll do that next.
Despite all that, I still do have fun with my doodles, but this underlying fear dampens the joy now and again and I guess I've become aware of that in
the last couple days and just wanted to put into words how I felt.
Aaaanyway, that's all from the woof.
Thanks for reading~
I would suggest trying to put into words how you want to become a better artist. I often feel like I want to become better, but if I don't put it into words, its hard to know if I am getting better. What exactly do I want to improve on?
Then, you can make a plan to improve in those areas. You don't have to change your upload schedule, but maybe you can spend one of the upload slots working on something that you feel betters your art.
And this is maybe my weird view, but I think the fear of losing what we love is ultimately born out of a lack of self-acceptance. Why does it matter if you start to hate drawing? I felt the same when I left my field of study, but now I'm happier than ever. You can always work to find a place for yourself. I like to write, and sometimes I hate it haha. There's a reason for that too.
Hope you figure it out!
Breaks should be taken little and often. Prolonged absences without practice or inspiration will weaken your ability. May even lead to TMIS - Too Many Ideas Syndrome, where you can't decide what art or comic you want to commit to next. Working too long will result in burnout.
Don't be afraid or hard on yourself. Never fear making mistakes or letting shortcomings rule you. And if something pushes you to the point of exhaustion, or out of your comfort-zone, then stop.
As far as your posting schedule, if it works for you and you're taking on a comfortable amount of work, I wouldn't worry so much. Especially in regards to that "ready to post" stuff. It's a valuable safety net in case you're unable to draw for whatever reason. I see streamers doing the same thing, generating a backlog in case life problems or emergencies prevent them from doing their thing. Here's an idea: take a day in which you would've normally drawn a piece, and spend it practicing your drawing skills and instead post one of your readied drawings. Now of course this probably shouldn't be an all the time thing, you don't want to drain all that saved up work for the above mentioned reasons. But if you feel like the ready to go folder is a little bloated and you still want to improve your skills, this seems like a logical option to me. In any case, you shouldn't ever be afraid of disappointing us. We love whatever work you share, whether it's 3 per week or 1 per week. Just please take care of yourself before you worry about us.
As for the fear manifesting and increasing in intensity, that's absolutely normal. A given in life, really.
I could be wrong, but you seem to be struggling a lot with obligations toward yourself and others. They seem like they've been fused into the same categorization. I.e., you posting 3 pictures a week is a service to your fans but also you since it fits your ideal posting schedule that you're using to regulate yourself. Which isn't bad at all - everyone has a schedule and needs regulation. But, with how intensely yours seems to be, it means problems like this might arise and cause anxiety if things do not go as planned or are predicted as such.
I think dissolving that a bit will help with your confusion and fear. Obviously, you can't just snap your fingers and do this instantly, so perhaps start small by maybe drawing 2 new images a week and then posting 1 from your "Ready to Go" folder so that you can maintain some productivity. Then, you could use that extra time to take a break for yourself or do something else you enjoy.
Since I also struggle a lot with productivity, and wanting to be productive, I understand if it's extremely hard to just "take a break" on that day, so perhaps try seeking productivity elsewhere that feels feasible. This helps me not burnout from drawing, since I have a lot of varied interests but less obligation to engage with them unless I make time for it. Hopefully you have some of those too besides drawing!
Also, I'm glad you have such high ambitions for yourself as an artist. I've seen your art for quite some years now and it is absolutely remarkable. It's great that you want to go higher, but try not to forget how high you've already come in that time you've spent. A fun, or perhaps unfortunate, little fact about our psychology is that we're biologically wired to ignore the things we are best and tend to more immediate problems because of evolution and survival instincts. That's precisely why it might feel like you're getting no where sometimes when in fact, you've come very far.
Anywhooo, sorry for that big ol' text. It's mostly wrought from personal experience as well as what I think might help you. Hope you feel better soon!
I can't really give any useful advice, and I don't know that you were looking for advice when you were posting this anyway, but...growth happens. If your current patterns feel restraining, like a tight shirt, maybe you've outgrown it and are ready for the next size up. And to continue with the clothing metaphor, maybe you find that the next size up doesn't suit you and what you actually needed was a different cut of your current shirt, something that fits better around the shoulders.
Comfort zones are COMFORTABLE. But if it's NOT comfortable, maybe it's time to explore what your new comfort zone might be. As long as you're mindful of your own well-being and don't dedicate yourself to something that's not working out, as long as you're willing to allow yourself to backtrack if a new approach is feeling worse, you can figure out what feels BETTER and do that.
And maybe that'll include drawing a picture of Snowball wearing a shirt for some reason. I dunno, that's in my head now.
i figured things are much easier to deal with when you put a limit to things. think of it this way; you want to become a good artist, but have you actually stopped for a second and thought to yourself "what does being really really good mean to me?"
some self criticism might be helpful here because saying you want to be really really good or i just want to go on forever is like saying the same thing. put a limit to the madness, give yourself a break and appreaciate for a moment that you are able to draw cute creatures without them looking like a pile of goo, which i know is the case for me >_>
One; it seems that this current uploading schedule is comfortable for you and to change it would risk entering unknown territory so you don't want to change. That's understandable. And you're creating a buffer / backlog that you want to share but are afraid to lose because, let's be honest, Life is relentless in it's assault.
But let's take a moment to consider your buffer. Posting 4 images a week with 20 ready-to-go means you have 5 weeks of posts to FA and (for the sake of argument) Patreon. There's no shame in building your buffer to a point where you feel comfortable you can draw from it and take days off because you've already put in the work. Which brings me into my second observation.
Two; you want to do more, but are afraid it would instill a commitment to constantly do more and lead to burnout. Again, perfectly reasonable. We all have a limit to how long we can sprint. However, I would like to point out that the furry calendar is littered with special events and months. They come and go and everyone has a blast while they last but we don't fault them when they end.
If you want to do more, than I say go for it! Pick a date or season you would like to host "Some Big Thing" and then work on building your buffer to where you have 32 or 40 images ready to go (2 months to 2.5 months of ready content). That way you can spend the first month working on "The Big Thing" and the second month sipping tea beneath three or so blankets.
Though this plan is mostly a hypothetical. If you do plan on doing something big than I recommend looking at you current, comfortable work flow and consider how much time you would need to accomplish something big. Also reaching out to other artists that do yearly events should be helpful. I'm sure most would be more than glad to share their insights.
And Three; I want you to know that what you are doing already is incredibly impressive. You're maintaining a Patreon. You have multiple books in your own webcomic.
You.
Are.
Doing it!
And it's amazing! Your art is high quality and your stories are interesting! You should be proud that you are able to maintain all of this and still have a month's worth of content waiting in the wings.
Woo, okay, ted talk is running long. Bottom line, regardless of what happens, we will support you. And I will always look forward to seeing what you come up with next.
Take care.