So the move was officially done on Friday. Since then I've been unpacking and putting all my stuff away in a timely manner while juggling work and various cleaning jobs around the house trying to find places for everything to fit. Sadly, the house isn't quite as luxurious as the last and my room is now twice as small. Not too much of a problem though as the house before last was technically the smallest room I've ever lived in, just with a really high ceiling. But despite everything going well, for a number of whatever reasons...

I can't stop crying....

The tears were so bad yesterday that they continued all through my shift at work and lasted until the sun went down. It was as if my body was trying to force all of my bodily fluids through my eyeballs. I don't even know what to call this? Level 10 sadness? Super depression? I don't know. There's several variables that have just been piling on and adding to it. Here's a number of them in no particular order.

-Attempting to leave the nest. This will be my second attempt, and I'm proud that I've taken the leap. However, I'm having an extremely difficult time adjusting to my new surroundings. I've been visiting this house since I was a kid but I never imagined actually living in it. It was built back in the early 1940s, so it's pretty worn down in a lot of places that makes it look really dirty and I'm a neat freak. Doesn't help that my buddy and his wife are slobs that barely clean. I also know that they both have my back, but it still feels like that security net with my parents is now gone. Not that I burned any bridges and I'm sure I can always go back.... But because it took so damn long, it feels scary to me.
-For certain reasons I won't get into, I'm yet again constantly reminded of my crippling loneliness and fear of romantic engagements. I keep hoping that a girl will just out of the blue ask me out someday. But I'm 35 now and it's never happened. So I don't think it's going to happen any time soon.
-I feel like if things don't work out here that the friendship will forever be tarnished. Which is something I really don't want to happen as I really don't have many true friends I can depend on.
-Something I wasn't aware of before moving in is that my buddies cats pissed in the closet which went uncleaned for who knows how long. We bleached it three times, sprayed it down with enzyme cleaner, added febreeze, air fresheners, baking soda, perfumes, and even those smelly bead things you put in a bowl. The cat piss stench remains. Which means that my clothes and anything else I plan to keep inside of it will now potentially wreak of cat piss. This has been especially stressful as my only solution right now would be buying a massive dresser and just keeping all of my clothes in there.
-Hard wood floors. I forgot how shitty they feel and how badly they hurt my feet. Also the amount of dirt that now appears on the bottom of my socks is revolting. I feel gross walking bare foot.
-I have a lot more things, but some of which I really can't get into for personal reasons reasons so I'll leave it at that.

If any of these things sound trivial or not so bad at all. You're right. They are. So why the endless stream of tears then? Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out myself. I should be happy. I should be over the moon that I'm no longer ruled by my parents who will never see us as equals. But I'm not. It really just feels like I've gone from one place to another with the only real change being... well now I'll be paying more money for food and bills. For fuck sake... I'm 35 years old, but mentally I still feel like I'm fucking 16....

So I think it's about time I tried to see a therapist. I'm going to go tomorrow and see what my medical insurance can do for me. Here's hoping I can get my head on straight. I'm so fucking sick of being sad and feeling this way. I'll try to get back to drawing soon, but I have been in NO shape to draw lately. If this keeps on for much longer I think I'm just going to start giving refunds on commissions because I'm at a point to where I don't even want to draw anymore.