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Writing Update
2 years ago
Hey all.
To everyone who enjoys the writing I do, either in conjunction with art I get or independent of it, I want to thank you. Even if I'm talking into the void here, this is something I've been wanting to vent about for a while.
For the past few months, I've been having a sort of existential crisis in regard to my writing. It began with a more critical evaluation of my Carnelia fic, "Ascendance". I really enjoyed writing it, but over time, it's become more and more of a personal embarrassment.
I always intended Carnelia to be a sort of Palpatine-esque character. While her pursuit of power is motivated by a higher purpose rather than the lust for power, itself, she would also primarily rely upon her charisma and wits to accomplish her goals. Her combat abilities (and especially her dark magical powers) were always meant to be kept in her back pocket for when there was absolutely no other way out. This makes the context of "Ascendance" even more embarrassing as it implies that her charisma or wits were not enough to accomplish her goals. I realize I gave in to my ego and my desire to portray her at the height of her power, but in doing so I cast her as little more than a simple brute. A part of me even realized that as I was writing it, but I only considered whether the action fit in with her philosophy and not whether or not it was a practical application of her skillset.
Afterwards, I started looking with a more critical eye towards the other universes I've been developing and wondering whether I'm in over my head. Captain Erin Reed and crew is another universe I've been investing a lot in behind the scenes. Her entire character has revolved around my fascination with military culture and military sci-fi as a genre. I have a lot of ideas for things to pursue with her, but a lot of them inevitably end up clashing with my desire to be earnest and realistic.
For example, with Erin in her pilot-verse, as much as I want to apply all of the cool terminology and tactics I've learned from watching DCS videos, most of those tactics are obsolete even now in the modern era. One option is to do what amateur military sci-fi writers the world over have done and just have future pilots using 4th generation or even WWII tactics. However, I couldn't even allow myself to abide by that. If I couldn't predict what advancements would be made in aerial combat in the coming centuries, then I would need to be like Frank Herbert and come up with a justification for the anachronism. These world-building questions piled up and sapped every little bit of fun from the experience, which is why I primarily favored Erin's captain-verse (until the exact same thing happened there).
I think it's safe to leave it at those two examples as they are the ones that have been causing me the most grief. It was within the last few weeks that I finally forced myself to gaze inward and introspect on what it was that I was doing wrong. The answer I arrived at was one that a few people reading this may have already arrived at: I got a bit pretentious. I wanted to create a badass character that people would idolize; build a world around them that was filled with every last bit of esoteric information I had osmotically absorbed from Youtube videos; and wrap it all up with a plot so airtight, not even a bacterium wouldn't be able to find a hole to slip through. All I would need was the time, energy, and passion to dive deep into research, stress test my builds, and plot out my story bit by bit while ironing out plot holes.
Needless to say, working full-time and GMing multiple TTRPG campaigns has left little time, energy, or passion for my other projects. That didn't stop me from trying to have my cake and eat it, too, which led to either information overload and burnout (as is the case with Erin), or under-developed characters demanding respect based upon what they are on a conceptual level (as is the case with Carnelia).
While I may have spent a lot of this post lamenting, it feels quite liberating to acknowledge all of this. Exploring my anxieties here has helped me to understand my own faults as well as to be content with my current ability. I feel that my biggest mistake was building my passion projects based upon what I thought other people would think about them. I do enjoy writing, but constantly worrying about making mistakes has made it incredibly daunting to sit down and start typing.
I've been trying to type this out for the past few hours, it's getting late, and I'm starting to get delirious. To those of you who made it this far, thank you again for coming on this journey with me, and I hope it's helped you to find comfort in your own passions, as well (if you hadn't already). Take care :)
To everyone who enjoys the writing I do, either in conjunction with art I get or independent of it, I want to thank you. Even if I'm talking into the void here, this is something I've been wanting to vent about for a while.
For the past few months, I've been having a sort of existential crisis in regard to my writing. It began with a more critical evaluation of my Carnelia fic, "Ascendance". I really enjoyed writing it, but over time, it's become more and more of a personal embarrassment.
I always intended Carnelia to be a sort of Palpatine-esque character. While her pursuit of power is motivated by a higher purpose rather than the lust for power, itself, she would also primarily rely upon her charisma and wits to accomplish her goals. Her combat abilities (and especially her dark magical powers) were always meant to be kept in her back pocket for when there was absolutely no other way out. This makes the context of "Ascendance" even more embarrassing as it implies that her charisma or wits were not enough to accomplish her goals. I realize I gave in to my ego and my desire to portray her at the height of her power, but in doing so I cast her as little more than a simple brute. A part of me even realized that as I was writing it, but I only considered whether the action fit in with her philosophy and not whether or not it was a practical application of her skillset.
Afterwards, I started looking with a more critical eye towards the other universes I've been developing and wondering whether I'm in over my head. Captain Erin Reed and crew is another universe I've been investing a lot in behind the scenes. Her entire character has revolved around my fascination with military culture and military sci-fi as a genre. I have a lot of ideas for things to pursue with her, but a lot of them inevitably end up clashing with my desire to be earnest and realistic.
For example, with Erin in her pilot-verse, as much as I want to apply all of the cool terminology and tactics I've learned from watching DCS videos, most of those tactics are obsolete even now in the modern era. One option is to do what amateur military sci-fi writers the world over have done and just have future pilots using 4th generation or even WWII tactics. However, I couldn't even allow myself to abide by that. If I couldn't predict what advancements would be made in aerial combat in the coming centuries, then I would need to be like Frank Herbert and come up with a justification for the anachronism. These world-building questions piled up and sapped every little bit of fun from the experience, which is why I primarily favored Erin's captain-verse (until the exact same thing happened there).
I think it's safe to leave it at those two examples as they are the ones that have been causing me the most grief. It was within the last few weeks that I finally forced myself to gaze inward and introspect on what it was that I was doing wrong. The answer I arrived at was one that a few people reading this may have already arrived at: I got a bit pretentious. I wanted to create a badass character that people would idolize; build a world around them that was filled with every last bit of esoteric information I had osmotically absorbed from Youtube videos; and wrap it all up with a plot so airtight, not even a bacterium wouldn't be able to find a hole to slip through. All I would need was the time, energy, and passion to dive deep into research, stress test my builds, and plot out my story bit by bit while ironing out plot holes.
Needless to say, working full-time and GMing multiple TTRPG campaigns has left little time, energy, or passion for my other projects. That didn't stop me from trying to have my cake and eat it, too, which led to either information overload and burnout (as is the case with Erin), or under-developed characters demanding respect based upon what they are on a conceptual level (as is the case with Carnelia).
While I may have spent a lot of this post lamenting, it feels quite liberating to acknowledge all of this. Exploring my anxieties here has helped me to understand my own faults as well as to be content with my current ability. I feel that my biggest mistake was building my passion projects based upon what I thought other people would think about them. I do enjoy writing, but constantly worrying about making mistakes has made it incredibly daunting to sit down and start typing.
I've been trying to type this out for the past few hours, it's getting late, and I'm starting to get delirious. To those of you who made it this far, thank you again for coming on this journey with me, and I hope it's helped you to find comfort in your own passions, as well (if you hadn't already). Take care :)
