Limerence is a condition where you become involuntarily obsessed with another person and emotionally dependent on them. It has similarities to, but is NOT the same thing as:
-Love addiction
-Codependency
-Relationship-Centered Obsessive-compulsive disorder
-The “favorite person” relationship in people with Borderline Personality Disorder

Generally it presents as an all-consuming infatuation with a person who is not an available/appropriate romantic partner. You create an elaborate, idealized fantasy of that person and put them on a pedestal. Life becomes all about reading their signals, seeking signs of interest and reciprocation. Self-care and other important relationships go on the back burner as emotional reciprocation from the other person (the “limerent object”) becomes top priority.

Limerence is a maladaptive coping mechanism that usually arises in people with depression, trauma, active imaginations and unmet needs. The limerent object seems like a godsend, an answer to all problems.

When suffering from limerence, you ride an emotional roller coaster. You are euphoric when the limerent object shows interest in you. You fall into despair when they withdraw from you or show interest in other people.

You pine, and you yearn, feeling that this other person is the answer to the void within yourself. You think and act irrationally. You hurt and ignore people you love. You become a twisted version of yourself that you don’t even recognize. You feel profoundly isolated, because you cannot be honest about how you feel. You feel like you’re losing your mind.

When you realize you’re limerent and seek help, you find some demoralizing and scary things: Hardly anyone, even mental health professionals, knows or understands what limerence is. The term wasn’t even coined until the 1980’s, and it’s not in the DSM. Of the “experts” that do understand limerence, nine out of ten will tell you to go No Contact with the limerent object, permanently. (Or if this isn’t a possibility, to maintain an extremely surface-level, business-only relationship). They’ll tell you you can never go back to being “just friends” with that person again. Their philosophy is to treat the problem like a drug addiction, rather than a situation between two living, breathing people.
It’s one thing to disentangle yourself from a narcissist (which many limerent objects are). It’s another to have to cut ties with a genuinely good person for your own good—to lose a dear friend because of a monster in your head that you can’t control.

I am recovering from a two year limerent episode that cost me my muse and one of my best friends. I still cry often and mourn that loss. I’m very fortunate that my husband has remained understanding, loving, and loyally by my side through all of this.

I’d be lying if I said I was happy, or doing better. This experience did untold damage to my self-esteem and my ability to enjoy things I once loved. I feel like my relationship to art, writing, kink, my own characters, and my own body have all been damaged because of the particular experiences I shared with my limerent object. I’m still a raw nerve. Even now, almost a year of No Contact and therapy later, I struggle terribly. And somewhere out there, my friend is probably just happily living his life, oblivious to all of this. It’s hard not to feel resentful and angry.

But limerence is not the core problem. It was a maladaptive coping mechanism. My job is to identify and work on my underlying issues, and heal.

But it’s slow going.

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If you or someone you love is struggling with limerence, the following resources might be helpful:

http://livingwithlimerence.com
Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube:
https://youtube.com/@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Self-Compassion Channel on YouTube: https://youtube.com/@self-compassionchannel-fenna
The.Limo.Life on Instagram:
https://instagram.com/the.limo.life.....c4MTIwNjQ2YQ==