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Fears (Some form of vent lmfao)
2 years ago
>>>If this journal is before 2020, I was younger than 18 and experienced a lot of neurological trauma :woozy_face:
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
Y'know, I think I should outright say it, I'm scared of the possibility of being famous
Not because of the haters (they can be fun to talk with sometimes X3), or because a lot of people would take interest in me (would be kinda anxiety inducing maybe? idk owo), no...
Rather I'm scared of the other socially accepted "famous people" I'd possibly meet, I'm scared of being noticed by certain people. I still have remnant fears from the times of dealing with that said "Fun-Fear", "alter ego" of sorts, messed up plurality/OSDD (https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10548352/ - https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9241669/)
So I fear meeting almost every furry fellow that Fun-Fear idolized and interacted with, due to my experiences with this neurological entity localized within my brain :skull: . ESPECIALLY Leo the Wolf/Radar the AWD, like my anxiety would make me not exist anymore levels of anxiety and fear xwx
I interestingly didn't have much fear from Zuelansi blocking me that one time (https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10302280/), probably because it felt "liberating"? Idk, I still was a bit freaked out at the idea that Zuelansi acknowledged that I existed :skull:
And I've also talked with ilbv, like we exchanged some minimal messages, but ilbv was also someone that Fun-Fear idolized a bit and it also gives me some anxiety to consider that I actually talked to him, actually conversated with him. Whewf...
Of course, my brain never functions right and I comment on Radar's stuff from time to time because y'know, love to torture myself or something, AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Maybe what I'm experiencing is some form of primal fanboyism? I don't know, I both have an interest in talking with folk like them because well hey, Radar says he programs stuff - I love to program (when it isn't painful :weary:), Zuelansi does fursuiting stuff - I'd love to fursuit, and ilbv does drawing and vorny stuff - both things I like to do myself... And also a fear of talking with them because of those prior experiences I had with Fun-Fear, not to mention, hella feckin' awkward??? Yeah yeah how am I going to explain to someone that my brain was so mentally dysfunctional that it tortured itself with a whole alt personality that was essentially in love with how they vored others (Radar aka Leo, Zuelansi) or got vored (ilbv)?????? And how that "alt personality" was so aggressive with that interest, that it was willing to commit to violent things??? How do I explain that it neurologically tortured me with what it loved? What kind of nut case have I been bred into? Bloody nora... xwx
This is where I'd like to say, "I wanna feckin' die" because oh dear all mighty, how in the hell??????????? Man, me even being furry is quite the dang coincidence. Pfft probably should've made a new account but hey, furrifying this account the way that I want it has helped a lot, but seeing the old stuff with the new stuff does make me feel weird.
Not because of the haters (they can be fun to talk with sometimes X3), or because a lot of people would take interest in me (would be kinda anxiety inducing maybe? idk owo), no...
Rather I'm scared of the other socially accepted "famous people" I'd possibly meet, I'm scared of being noticed by certain people. I still have remnant fears from the times of dealing with that said "Fun-Fear", "alter ego" of sorts, messed up plurality/OSDD (https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10548352/ - https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9241669/)
So I fear meeting almost every furry fellow that Fun-Fear idolized and interacted with, due to my experiences with this neurological entity localized within my brain :skull: . ESPECIALLY Leo the Wolf/Radar the AWD, like my anxiety would make me not exist anymore levels of anxiety and fear xwx
I interestingly didn't have much fear from Zuelansi blocking me that one time (https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10302280/), probably because it felt "liberating"? Idk, I still was a bit freaked out at the idea that Zuelansi acknowledged that I existed :skull:
And I've also talked with ilbv, like we exchanged some minimal messages, but ilbv was also someone that Fun-Fear idolized a bit and it also gives me some anxiety to consider that I actually talked to him, actually conversated with him. Whewf...
Of course, my brain never functions right and I comment on Radar's stuff from time to time because y'know, love to torture myself or something, AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Maybe what I'm experiencing is some form of primal fanboyism? I don't know, I both have an interest in talking with folk like them because well hey, Radar says he programs stuff - I love to program (when it isn't painful :weary:), Zuelansi does fursuiting stuff - I'd love to fursuit, and ilbv does drawing and vorny stuff - both things I like to do myself... And also a fear of talking with them because of those prior experiences I had with Fun-Fear, not to mention, hella feckin' awkward??? Yeah yeah how am I going to explain to someone that my brain was so mentally dysfunctional that it tortured itself with a whole alt personality that was essentially in love with how they vored others (Radar aka Leo, Zuelansi) or got vored (ilbv)?????? And how that "alt personality" was so aggressive with that interest, that it was willing to commit to violent things??? How do I explain that it neurologically tortured me with what it loved? What kind of nut case have I been bred into? Bloody nora... xwx
This is where I'd like to say, "I wanna feckin' die" because oh dear all mighty, how in the hell??????????? Man, me even being furry is quite the dang coincidence. Pfft probably should've made a new account but hey, furrifying this account the way that I want it has helped a lot, but seeing the old stuff with the new stuff does make me feel weird.
Besides, you can't get / make yourself a cute fursuit if you're no longer around to wear it :3.
yeah that's true :D to learn from past mistakes and work towards a brighter future uwu
just casual anxiety haha
ooooooo yeah that is truee uwu
Yessssss I know, I tell myself the same from time to time because it's correct - that they're just regular folk like everyone else. It's just that my brain subconsciously does not understand that, from having dealt with "Fun-Fear" - which like permanently damaged my brain or something - or at least requires a lot of recovery and time.
Looool fandog X333
Aww thank :DDD
Weird and uncomfortable aint it? :woozy_face: