(Hey, you don't have to read or reply to this :D it's simply just, y'know, a casual vent, nothing that deep, pretty ignorable uwu)

(Really, you really don't have to :D - consider it a random nonsensical log of sorts y'know :D)





Do I Deserve To... have the success I've arguably had?

I mean, I kinda look back upon my life, and I usually question whether or not I should've died. I had many opportunities for it - I could've went through with something in late August of 2016 - belt around, could've done something around the end of Fun-Fear - could've just faltered to it, could've done something around late 2020 (stresses unrelated to the pandemic) when I was dealing with something world-breaking to me, and as of now - I could do something. Death is a scary concept, it's what usually prevented me from going over the edge - how scary it was, and also the "fear of missing out" - that was a good concept that kept me from doing it. But I'm not scared of either now.

I look back upon my life, and I question if I even should have had success - even subjective. Retrospectively, it seems that I should've always failed, for every success warrants 2 or more failures of equal nature and magnitude. Even 2018 me said it - that everytime I rose, I would fall just as hard or harder - and quicker. That didn't even end after Fun-Fear - after dealing with that personal mental insanity, it still happened from time to time, despite 2020 to 2022 (September 7th of 2020 was the absolute worst) being overall better years than 2019 and 2018 for me.

I fear having a lot of positive attention, I feel it's manipulative or exploitive of me to enjoy and indulge in such - especially a lot, and especially because my brain subconsciously loves it and wants it a lot like whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :weary: . I guess I thrived on a lot of negative attention when I was younger (especially Fun-Fearian days lol), preferred it, and felt extremely awkward when someone said they genuinely liked me as a friend/person - or I never thought much of such compliment. Never felt that way with people hitting on me because I never understood that lmfao (asexuality less gooo)
It genuinely feels weird to be wanted, and not because I made something cool or something kinky, rather to be genuinely wanted as the person or individual I am. God, feels even weirder for anyone to spend money or lots of time on me, I know I've freaked the hell out before when people have had said former interests.

Sucks to be liked in that way too, because I don't want to make people feel bad, to feel lonely, to feel scared, to feel no escape - if I were to do a certain suicidal thing - makes it harder for me to do it. It's the last thing I'd ever want anyone to feel. I don't want someone to feel sad or bad for me - hell there's a reason why I make fun of my own traumas and laugh at 'em lol. My favourite series of trauma to talk about is usually anything to do with Fun-Fear, because it's so utterly and bat-poop insane. I usually use any inconveniences I have to either explain why I couldn't do this or that - or laugh at them.

I mean, I do want to nip myself in the bud - do something before there's any chance of me becoming popular (I fear popularity for its other reasons too :D). I don't want to do it later when more people want to care for me and my individual, I don't want to be appreciated and loved to that degree, by so many people - it feels so odd and undeserved. I mean I could do it easily by just, not talking anywhere, by not interacting so much, but I also like to talk a lottttt ugh... I don't want to talk negatively to anyone either, so social kamikaze is way out of the question lol.

I mean, I really don't think I deserve anything so nice and good as that y'know X3



TL;DR below muhaha
(HAH, you went to the bottom too! Well, guess what, you don't have to read this! It's just a boring nonsensical vent that has nothing to do with how you will function in the future sooo :D)