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Just a general update
2 years ago
Everything still sucks.
My mood seems to be ping-ponging between hyper focused on one thing, then being so demotivated that I don't even want to get out of bed. Currently living paycheck to paycheck and made some decisions to basically admit defeat to capitalism and have given up several hobbies, or at least 90% of those hobbies. Going forward I am not buying any more sealed MTG product and only playing in events where I already have cards ready or are sealed/draft events. Basically this means if I dont open the cards I need/want in events I wont be getting them anymore. This honestly has been a long time coming as wotc has been pushing their game towards a giant drain for years now with the release of collector boosters, price hikes on products, the pinkerton disaster, the ongoing disaster that is the 1/1 ring... Honestly MTG has just lost it's enjoyment factor.
I have also been struggling for well over a year now to keep up on doing art, writing, and model painting. I am just so demotivated that I just don't see the point in even trying. Even when I do make something I am personally proud of I get a couple likes/favs and 0 comments, so what is the point? "Doing it for yourself" also isn't a good point because I want to share my work, doing it for myself isn't what I want.
As for model painting... I have brief spurts of motivation that last 2-3 days and then disappears for weeks at a time. My last big motivational moment was back in like... January? Pre-All will be one when I started painting up some tyranids in Elesh Norns colour scheme. I never finished them, and they are collecting dust in a box now.
Beyond that... I have been doing my best to just... Try. Try anything really. Anything to get any sort of spark. I discovered cannabis/weed edibles were legal AND that there was a shop literally a block from me that sells decently priced stuff, but I don't really feel good or happy when I try them, I just get hungry and tired. I started therapy again after a bout of self harm, but so far no progress has been made outside of them diagnosing me with PTSD and that's it. I tried explaining I have attention issues and depression but they said it's likely all just symptoms or caused by the PTSD. At my therapist's suggestion I have been trying to go out more, but it's hard, the best I have been able to manage is going next door once in a while to a speak easy, which serves cannabis drinks alongside alcohol. But given my tight paycheck to paycheck budget I only go for 1-2 drinks once every week and a half or so, and I have no one to hang out with or talk to so I just sit alone in a room and get stoned before going home to bed. Not exactly an improvement over what I was already doing. I am also trying to lose weight again, likely won't work, but to that end I have been trying to do meal prep and made a Quiche just today. You can see a picture of it on my cohost if you want.
There was one tiny little moment of happiness, it only lasted a few minutes, but my now ex-employer has gotten 2 negative 1 star reviews on glassdoor, one of them was mine, but the other wasn't. This means at LEAST 1 other person has seen how shitty they are, and has taken a stand against them. I like to think my review gave them the courage to post theirs, but I can't say for sure. I am just happy SOMEONE took a stand, even if it wasn't with me specifically.
And that's about it. Just... No motivation to do anything, struggling to just get up in the mornings, in therapy, and that's about it.
My mood seems to be ping-ponging between hyper focused on one thing, then being so demotivated that I don't even want to get out of bed. Currently living paycheck to paycheck and made some decisions to basically admit defeat to capitalism and have given up several hobbies, or at least 90% of those hobbies. Going forward I am not buying any more sealed MTG product and only playing in events where I already have cards ready or are sealed/draft events. Basically this means if I dont open the cards I need/want in events I wont be getting them anymore. This honestly has been a long time coming as wotc has been pushing their game towards a giant drain for years now with the release of collector boosters, price hikes on products, the pinkerton disaster, the ongoing disaster that is the 1/1 ring... Honestly MTG has just lost it's enjoyment factor.
I have also been struggling for well over a year now to keep up on doing art, writing, and model painting. I am just so demotivated that I just don't see the point in even trying. Even when I do make something I am personally proud of I get a couple likes/favs and 0 comments, so what is the point? "Doing it for yourself" also isn't a good point because I want to share my work, doing it for myself isn't what I want.
As for model painting... I have brief spurts of motivation that last 2-3 days and then disappears for weeks at a time. My last big motivational moment was back in like... January? Pre-All will be one when I started painting up some tyranids in Elesh Norns colour scheme. I never finished them, and they are collecting dust in a box now.
Beyond that... I have been doing my best to just... Try. Try anything really. Anything to get any sort of spark. I discovered cannabis/weed edibles were legal AND that there was a shop literally a block from me that sells decently priced stuff, but I don't really feel good or happy when I try them, I just get hungry and tired. I started therapy again after a bout of self harm, but so far no progress has been made outside of them diagnosing me with PTSD and that's it. I tried explaining I have attention issues and depression but they said it's likely all just symptoms or caused by the PTSD. At my therapist's suggestion I have been trying to go out more, but it's hard, the best I have been able to manage is going next door once in a while to a speak easy, which serves cannabis drinks alongside alcohol. But given my tight paycheck to paycheck budget I only go for 1-2 drinks once every week and a half or so, and I have no one to hang out with or talk to so I just sit alone in a room and get stoned before going home to bed. Not exactly an improvement over what I was already doing. I am also trying to lose weight again, likely won't work, but to that end I have been trying to do meal prep and made a Quiche just today. You can see a picture of it on my cohost if you want.
There was one tiny little moment of happiness, it only lasted a few minutes, but my now ex-employer has gotten 2 negative 1 star reviews on glassdoor, one of them was mine, but the other wasn't. This means at LEAST 1 other person has seen how shitty they are, and has taken a stand against them. I like to think my review gave them the courage to post theirs, but I can't say for sure. I am just happy SOMEONE took a stand, even if it wasn't with me specifically.
And that's about it. Just... No motivation to do anything, struggling to just get up in the mornings, in therapy, and that's about it.
And sorry about the wotc thing too. I play Pokemon TCG personally, so I'm not too sure what it all meams, but I still understand the price hikes and shit.
The pinkerton thing is a guy got his hands on product a week early due to what is assumed at this point to be a mistake from the distributor, and rather then ignore it, or reprimand the distributor who sold the product they sent the PINKERTONS to the guys house, like... Wotc hired some thugs to go steal this guys product he paid for, thugs known for union busting and lynching people. It was fucked up.
Dang. I feel bad for the guy :(