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Bighuge Journal aka Miserable Little Pile of Secrets
2 years ago
This journal entry has been a long time coming, not just because I haven't shared a journal lately, but there are some things I need to get off my chest - don't worry, it's not community drama or anything, just personal stuff that may or may not be of interest for you. I'm sure a lot of you finds it generally unnecessary, but I wanted to talk about this for a while.
It's gonna be one big journal in three parts instead of three journals because it's all connected, so here goes.
Coming Clean
First point on the agenda and most likely the most important one is something I wanted to share with you for a while, but always pushed away, telling myself that it isn't a big deal - which, for a lot of you, it won't be at all I'm sure, but it may be for others.
I am a guy. I always have been and I never identified as anything else.
For what I would guess is the majority of people that know me at this point, this won't come as a surprise, except maybe in the form of "wait, this wasn't clear?!", but among my older friends and acquaintances, this indeed might not be clear at all, even though I suspect most of you already guessed.
I have for many years of using the internet, for lack of a better word, moonlighted as a female. Why I did is a more personal matter, but to provide a small bit of clarity without going into boring detail: I was in a very bad spot emotionally when I started doing this over uhh..22 years ago. Like a lot of teens/adolescents I was confused, depressed and unfortunately also very lonely in regards to my sexuality. This was at a time where the internet was not the widely accepting place it is now, especially when limited to my home country for the most part, so being myself at the time turned out to not be enough to find likeminded people to talk, spend time and be frisky with. Having a female "persona" helped me a lot and I made friends during that time that I still consider very close to me.
I like to think that I was never malicious about it - I didn't jump into bed with people to get art or other stuff, never begged for gifts and also hope that I never portrayed this female "me" in a way that was degrading for women in general, being somewhat sensitive about that myself. However, I cannot deny that I DID receive gifts from good friends, including artwork from artists I knew when they just started and have by now become massively famous in their own niche and I cherished these gifts. I still do, actually, as I still own every single sketch ever made for me by any of them.
Good intentions or not, it would be foolish to assume that some people wouldn't feel "lead on" or resentful towards me for the lie and for that I do apologize. I would like to think that by now it's mostly a case of "no harm done", but for some particularly long-time friends, whether I am still in regular contact with them or not, it's understandable if this would leave a bitter taste in their mouths. Just please do remember that I never tried to take advantage of anyone, I merely tried to connect with and befriend people and was, when it comes to my behaviour, chatting with people, goofing around, playing and even flirting, genuinely me.
Naturally I am prepared for people to unwatch/unfriend me or whatnot, as I had my fair share of a change in behaviour from my friends after privately coming forward about this, from cold shoulders to blocking me entirely. I am not going to compromise about this anymore, however. I want to be myself and not pretend to be a generally "more well liked/approachable/desirable" version of myself to make it easier for other people - since I do have friends that I believe cherish me for who I am and don't need to pretend for my own sake anymore.
So what does that mean going forward? ..not too much, actually. I have been generally genuine about my gender with most contacts (that actually cared about it) I made over the last few years and I am planning to be fully transparent about it with anybody that actually wants to know. There will be, however, three notable changes about how I handle things in future, one being an only marginally connected influx of art I'll probably share here, because why not. Secondly, for reasons I will go into detail below, I will sell a character design of mine and thirdly, also detailed below, I am looking to make/commission an actual furry persona for myself.
Regarding the Burgercat
Otherwise known as Lucy. This character, which was greatly enjoyed by myself and people, is one of the last vestiges of this "pretend me". Don't get me wrong, I have very, VERY, fond memories of playing this cat with people and I will NOT sell any of the giftart, revisions, sketches, chibis, collabs, badges or any of the new re-designs, but I do believe the original design and the two pieces I commissioned of it deserve better than to be stored away in a folder and not be used for anything. As mentioned, there is of course also the factor that this original design in particular is a constant reminder of my own dishonesty, lack of confidence and general foolishness and while I will never forget about this borderline idiotic time in my life, I don't need the pangs every time I see it. I'd much rather have someone else rename the feline and have fun with the character in RP and new art.
For some people this might be hard to understand or even appear callous, but please bear in mind, that Lucy was never really ME. I did not identify with her. She was a character, with a lot of my own personality poured in, sure, but still merely a role to play. A mask, if you want to be dramatic about it, which a number of people did consider to be me, against my (as mentioned above, feeble) efforts.
If you are interested in purchasing the design, including the full Pewbutt sequence and two pieces by Tehbuttercookie, send me a note here or on F-List. I am not looking to make a grand profit off of it, so someone may be able to make a good deal here.
Let me reiterate once more, however: This does NOT include any other artwork or designs of the character seen in my gallery or elsewhere - I will not have a profile for her in any capacity on F-List and I will not commission any more art of her, so no need to worry about that either.
The Way Forward or Actually Me
As mentioned above, I never truly identified with the female characters I played. Over the years I tried several times to design and get art of male characters, "Fursonas" as you may call them, that I could identify with, that had my personality and in parts my appearance. All this did, however, was generally drive me deeper into the pretend part of my online life. Without exception, none of my male personas ever gathered the same interest, were never as approached, well-liked or, shameful and egoistical as the thought might be, drawn as much. Whether this was because the internet was a less accepting place or because they were simply not as interesting as the females, I couldn't tell you and it doesn't really matter now anyway.
I am ready, however, to try again.
Recent and further planned changes in my personal and offline life have reinforced my wish to have a proper persona in the online furry community. Of course, he is not gonna be exactly like me (where's the fun in that), but a hopefully close approximation with the caveat that he is also supposed to incorporate certain changes I am making in my real life - a potential future me, if you will. This all sounds very cryptic, so to bring it down into reality for a second: I am changing my life to be more active and healthier in general and I think having a "fursona" that personifies the goals I am attempting to reach, might give my motivations a little bump, too.
Apart from that, I always wanted a persona that I could slam down on the table towards a willing artist and say "I want this, but make him an astronaut/a ghost/a barbarian/600 pounds heavier/all of the above!" and never felt as comfortable doing that with the various characters I have collected over time, especially not those people already considered fursonas.
So, to that effect, I am currently looking for artists that could help me in the matter. Being almost entirely stumped when it comes to artistic efforts, I would require someone that could really sit down with me and talk over designs, see what works and what doesn't and the like. I don't think I will be able to get what I would like by sending an artist, no matter how talented, a paragraph of description and a vague reference. I am working on a bit of a budget as well, so I'd have to start small or would require someone able to accept a piecemeal payment over a few months.
I know, like looking for a needle in a haystack, I'm sure. If you have any suggestions or recommendations, however, I would gladly hear them!
But enough talk! Have at you! 
I am seeing about getting some options together, artist wise and might come back to that offer, thank you kindly <3
If you ever wanna squeak about designs, I'm here as well to help. I tend to be happy to hammer stuff out on stream and stuff for folk who are interested.
And I'll very much keep that in mind, thank you kindly <3
It also sounds like you were in the same position I was! I should not have been on the computer 22 years ago, but I was! I hope you find your balance.
And I think I have! Or I hope, at least. Thank you for the kind words anyway <3