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Overthinking
2 years ago
I've been trying to be strong
overcoming some things, ignoring other small ones but to be honest I think this is only making my situation worse..
Yesterday I received a scolding from my psychiatrist for spending almost 4 months without getting in touch and for not scheduling occupational therapy with specialist doctors, in those 4 months [as you who follow me may know] a lot has happened, including extreme mood swings, end of a long relationship , false friendships that discarded me like garbage and putting all these factors together this has caused lows in my work and mainly in the way I see myself ... and I think : " what did I do for things to turn out so badly '' ? or "I'm so bad that I screw up everything I come into contact with"
This is very discouraging , it 's like I 'm swimming against the tide .. eventually I get tired and give up and that 's what happens , this feeling of failure and insufficiency breaks me inside .
and even if i try to vent it's like i'm complaining about "anything" and if i keep it to myself my chest sinks and it eats me alive
At the same time I want company but 2 things happen: either they eventually get tired of me and discard me or I feel the need to pull away because I don't think I'm good enough to be around
Every day my social anxiety has been getting the better of me, even basic interactions like answering the phone and making an appointment become...difficult...even though it's something mediocre and normal for anyone else
At the same time that I think about disappearing, I want to stay alive and fulfill the dreams of my life and the things I want to do so much.
I feel terrible , but I 'm trying to get better .. but I do not know how long I can do it .
overcoming some things, ignoring other small ones but to be honest I think this is only making my situation worse..
Yesterday I received a scolding from my psychiatrist for spending almost 4 months without getting in touch and for not scheduling occupational therapy with specialist doctors, in those 4 months [as you who follow me may know] a lot has happened, including extreme mood swings, end of a long relationship , false friendships that discarded me like garbage and putting all these factors together this has caused lows in my work and mainly in the way I see myself ... and I think : " what did I do for things to turn out so badly '' ? or "I'm so bad that I screw up everything I come into contact with"
This is very discouraging , it 's like I 'm swimming against the tide .. eventually I get tired and give up and that 's what happens , this feeling of failure and insufficiency breaks me inside .
and even if i try to vent it's like i'm complaining about "anything" and if i keep it to myself my chest sinks and it eats me alive
At the same time I want company but 2 things happen: either they eventually get tired of me and discard me or I feel the need to pull away because I don't think I'm good enough to be around
Every day my social anxiety has been getting the better of me, even basic interactions like answering the phone and making an appointment become...difficult...even though it's something mediocre and normal for anyone else
At the same time that I think about disappearing, I want to stay alive and fulfill the dreams of my life and the things I want to do so much.
I feel terrible , but I 'm trying to get better .. but I do not know how long I can do it .
But know that none of us look at you and see a failure, or a bad person, or any negative thing. We see a wonderful artist, a lovely individual, someone who can bring a smile to anyone when they want to. You're capable of such great things, and I've seen them myself. I have had awful days become brighter just by seeing you pop in my discord. Someone who can do that, especially a friend, could never be bad in my book.
Keep your chin up, Devon. I believe in you!