FA+
Shop
The Broken Toy On The Shelf
2 years ago
General
Um…Im writing this here only because it would be inappropriate as a description for whatever I might continue to post. I may have just become…more of a broken person. That’s the way my dad puts it. I’m broken, like some defective toy amongst these other perfect, pristine toys. Nobody wants to be around a defective person. One day I sit there and cry; wishing a kind toy-maker will find me, fix me, and make me feel anew again. But I can’t rely on anyone else anymore…So best save some face and go to my varied appointments and continue to post artwork as normal. I just feel…destroyed. I’ve been beaten and screamed at and lied to so much; I’ve just become a husk of a person; slowly deteriorating body and mind. So, might as well dedicate my life to illustrating/ascending characters. They’ve made me happy and been my friends my whole life and in return; I give them a home and various states or being so that they bring the joy to others. That is the debt. The work is never done.
Might be a time to mention I think I’m starting to develop Paranoid Schizophrenia or at least symptoms of it mixed in with whatever-the-fuck is wrong with me. I just hear things now. Thoughts turn into jumbled static or whispers to fill the void. At night, I just hear things that aren’t there: noises become voices or footsteps, I hear gunshots (although that is normal where I am living) all the time. And at night, when I’m standing in the garage really late: I hear a dial-tone even sometimes: that old school “booooooooop” at the end of a phone message. Which is AWESOME SAUCE; BTW, cause that just takes me back to a Winnie the Pooh night terror I had when I was very little. Anyway; I’m becoming crazier now. Let’s do some good and harness it into art. Like I said, continuing to post here as normal. Feel free to comment what you think; or just take a stab at me, I guess, everyone else has.
That’s what’s been happening; been crying and crying and don’t know who really to tell about these issues. My mother and I have been texting, but my RL dad that I live with currently just gets fucking angry with me when I bring up anything mental health; claiming me to just be “playing the victim” and perhaps being ungrateful for where I’m living.
I’m sorry to all those I hurt. Truly I am. I guess I’m just desperately trying to scissor-hold so much emotional baggage my entire life. You can see it (under) in my eyes. You can see it in Fox’s eyes.
Might be a time to mention I think I’m starting to develop Paranoid Schizophrenia or at least symptoms of it mixed in with whatever-the-fuck is wrong with me. I just hear things now. Thoughts turn into jumbled static or whispers to fill the void. At night, I just hear things that aren’t there: noises become voices or footsteps, I hear gunshots (although that is normal where I am living) all the time. And at night, when I’m standing in the garage really late: I hear a dial-tone even sometimes: that old school “booooooooop” at the end of a phone message. Which is AWESOME SAUCE; BTW, cause that just takes me back to a Winnie the Pooh night terror I had when I was very little. Anyway; I’m becoming crazier now. Let’s do some good and harness it into art. Like I said, continuing to post here as normal. Feel free to comment what you think; or just take a stab at me, I guess, everyone else has.
That’s what’s been happening; been crying and crying and don’t know who really to tell about these issues. My mother and I have been texting, but my RL dad that I live with currently just gets fucking angry with me when I bring up anything mental health; claiming me to just be “playing the victim” and perhaps being ungrateful for where I’m living.
I’m sorry to all those I hurt. Truly I am. I guess I’m just desperately trying to scissor-hold so much emotional baggage my entire life. You can see it (under) in my eyes. You can see it in Fox’s eyes.
draconicdreamsart
~draconicdreamsart
I can relate to this a lot. You aren't alone my friend. I'm here with you. *hugs* I'm sorry. ;.=.;
Warlock-Laboratory
~warlock-laboratory
I'm familiar with night terrors and audio-hallucinations, as my childhood was plagued with them. I'd have to fall asleep with the radio on. Or I would hear things. People calling my name. Evil laughter, or screaming. I'm sure it's trauma. The fault of someone in your environment. Whatever the cause, feeding more into your inner world is definitely a good strategy. Art helps so much. For me, music helps. It helps a lot. It injects order into the chaos of a troubled mind. Helps thoughts become organized. In any case I see you, friend. You are one of my favorite artists. I'm here if you want to chat about weird brain stuff.
RockerGrayFox
~rockergrayfox
OP
Thank you so much for the kind words, and thanks you so much for liking the art. Yeah, in some weird way, I want to be like a shepherd or architect of what is real and unreal; just doing what I can while I have time on this planet. Maybe leave an “online sarcophagus” or my own website of every character and inspiration and RPG rule into a big compendium or archive. Makes these characters into a game or A.I. strange but practical esoteric shit like that.
RockerGrayFox
~rockergrayfox
OP
I have a psychiatrist appt. Next week; so hopefully I will that will keep me sane for the time being. The actual voices and paranoid shit have been newly developing over the past half-year.
Trying my hardest to see an actual therapist, but very few and far between. My health care provider in town is booked for almost forever and they want me to go to Group Therapy instead; something I cannot stand nor want to share any of this shit to random strangers.
