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I'm... happy?
2 years ago
I don't do a lot of journals. I used to at one point, but over the past 10 years or so... I was not in a good place and I am finally recovering from the trauma and suffering I endured. For years I felt trapped, the place I lived was not a home. I can absolutely and do claim to have been in an abusive relationship.
Constantly emotionally blackmailed, nothing I did was right or good enough. Anything I wanted for myself I was "greedy".
I work a weeks worth of OT to go to a convention, "that money could have been used for the family/them."
"You're drawing furry porn? You're doing that for attention from others. That's gross, your art is gross" Then they go make a "porno" of themselves.
I start to question my gender identity, am I really trans? "Work it out. Don't talk to me until you figure that out." With the implication if I didn't come back with the "correct" answer there would be trouble.
"I love you, the Trans you."
If I had a better example living with me, I would have started my own transition in long ago but no. I stopped identifying as anything for a long time, I stopped thinking about myself as something worth getting into detail over.
Even may have been disassociating for years as most days just became something to react to rather than live.
Every creative outlet I had, video games or otherwise and then friend groups was cut away. I even lost full control over my own money because "How can we trust you if you don't share the same bank account? Sounds like you don't want to be accountable to the family."
I gave in to all of it. I didn't know what else to do so I pressed on to just make things work. I didn't know what else to do and had no one to turn to.
And then... I started to wake up, push back in my own ways but things didn't get better. And then finally that existence came to an end, but things didn't get better.
I was able to move out on my own, stood of my own two feet but it was all for survival. I just proceeded to do what had to be done. Panic and emotions were detrimental and irrelevant to my own survival. As the robot I am I continue pressing on just to. Make. Things. Work.
I've slowly started to come out of that. It's honestly felt like waking up and living again. I realized that I could do things again, things that would make me happy without anyone to tell me what I wanted was silly or not worth the time. I started to feel like I was living again. It was a slow process, there saw still so much doubt but I didn't need to hide or compartmentalize my interests. I began to rediscover who I was, who I wanted to be and fully express that.
I began to reach out, I made friends, met someone who helped me get better, BE better. Going out and living again. Sharing my passions with another and growing together as they shared theirs. Even going out on mundane tasks became little adventures with one another.
I began my transition fully, almost a full year on HRT now.
I've been losing weight on my own- not a forced march through hell by being forced out of the house on a daily basis.
Lost nearly 100lbs and have kept it off since last year.
And most important... I have left St. Louis. I have left all reminders of the pain. I no longer live in fear in a dangerous and horrendous city.
I never should have gone there. The reason turned out to be the worst mistake of my life and now 10 years later I am finally healing from that mistake.
There have been many changes I am still learning about myself, but I no longer live in "survival mode" and at long last... can be happy.
I never expected to feel that again.
Constantly emotionally blackmailed, nothing I did was right or good enough. Anything I wanted for myself I was "greedy".
I work a weeks worth of OT to go to a convention, "that money could have been used for the family/them."
"You're drawing furry porn? You're doing that for attention from others. That's gross, your art is gross" Then they go make a "porno" of themselves.
I start to question my gender identity, am I really trans? "Work it out. Don't talk to me until you figure that out." With the implication if I didn't come back with the "correct" answer there would be trouble.
"I love you, the Trans you."
If I had a better example living with me, I would have started my own transition in long ago but no. I stopped identifying as anything for a long time, I stopped thinking about myself as something worth getting into detail over.
Even may have been disassociating for years as most days just became something to react to rather than live.
Every creative outlet I had, video games or otherwise and then friend groups was cut away. I even lost full control over my own money because "How can we trust you if you don't share the same bank account? Sounds like you don't want to be accountable to the family."
I gave in to all of it. I didn't know what else to do so I pressed on to just make things work. I didn't know what else to do and had no one to turn to.
And then... I started to wake up, push back in my own ways but things didn't get better. And then finally that existence came to an end, but things didn't get better.
I was able to move out on my own, stood of my own two feet but it was all for survival. I just proceeded to do what had to be done. Panic and emotions were detrimental and irrelevant to my own survival. As the robot I am I continue pressing on just to. Make. Things. Work.
I've slowly started to come out of that. It's honestly felt like waking up and living again. I realized that I could do things again, things that would make me happy without anyone to tell me what I wanted was silly or not worth the time. I started to feel like I was living again. It was a slow process, there saw still so much doubt but I didn't need to hide or compartmentalize my interests. I began to rediscover who I was, who I wanted to be and fully express that.
I began to reach out, I made friends, met someone who helped me get better, BE better. Going out and living again. Sharing my passions with another and growing together as they shared theirs. Even going out on mundane tasks became little adventures with one another.
I began my transition fully, almost a full year on HRT now.
I've been losing weight on my own- not a forced march through hell by being forced out of the house on a daily basis.
Lost nearly 100lbs and have kept it off since last year.
And most important... I have left St. Louis. I have left all reminders of the pain. I no longer live in fear in a dangerous and horrendous city.
I never should have gone there. The reason turned out to be the worst mistake of my life and now 10 years later I am finally healing from that mistake.
There have been many changes I am still learning about myself, but I no longer live in "survival mode" and at long last... can be happy.
I never expected to feel that again.
Life kept beating you to the ground for a straight decade. Yet you didn't stay down, you kept getting back up. The person who gets beat down, isn't the loser. The one who can't tough it out until the very end, is the one who loses.
Keep going and never let outside influences change who you are. Be who you want to be and stick to the path you yourself, have set your sights on. Never waver, nor linger. Just go straight.