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July Update: Lost and Found
2 years ago
Copying this from my Patreon... because... yeah.
I have been struggling to figure out what to talk about this month.
There's not really anything that is going wrong at the moment. There are some smoldering embers here and there, but no fires from what I can see. That is metaphorically speaking of course. Nothing here has actually burned.
But at the same time... The nice and pleasant moments have been far and in-between as well. Or so it is in my perception at least.
Which I suppose leads me a bit towards my topic for this month.
I am feeling lost and dried up.
There are a lot of metaphors I can use here, and I just might. But one thing after another.
The other day, a certain purple someone said "A creative with encouragement is unstoppable." and I absolutely agree with that. Being hyped up for something helps magnitudes. I doubt I have to tell that anyone.
But I am... not really getting that. Now don't get me wrong, I do absolutely appreciate the few kind words that I am getting every now and then, they are fantastic.
And here is where the metaphors begin.
I am like a desert. I feel so utterly bereft of that kind of stuff that I do not know what to do with it once I actually get it. A few drops will absolutely disappear without any tangible effect whatsoever, and yet, a full on rain has, if anything, the opposite effect of being helpful. The ground is so dried up, so calcified, that it can't actually absorb the water fast enough before its already gone again to flood some poor village that made the mistake of building inside a Wadi.
Another relatively apt comparison would be to say that I am a "child of the dark". I have been living in (emotional) darkness for so long that any kind of light can be blinding to me.
It is very hard not to become self-deprecating while writing this.
"Oooh Coatl, aren't you a bit too old to act like an edgy teen now?" says some voice in the back of my mind. Part of me agrees, I know that I am in a very fortunate situation in general...
Yet why do I feel so unhappy?
I write because the things I want to say should not/are very awkward to be spoken out loud. I publish them so that other people can read them. And then I hope that I find like minded individuals to engage with.
All of you who are reading this are proof that this has worked.
To some extent anyway. The one or two voices I get to hear... Thank you. I really mean it. But at the same time, it only makes the silence around us ring so much louder.
I don't know what I am doing here really. In fact, it might well be that I am just having some kind of meltdown over nothing.
I ask for compliments, for encouragement, for engagement... Looking at the length of this here, it might actually be more begging... a plea for... attention?
And by doing so, I invariably tarnish any kind of response I will be getting following this. "Oh, that's just out of pity now, that's not genuine" the nasty voice at the back of my mind will tell me, "they're just saying it because you put them on the spot."
On some level that is probably true even.
What I want is unprompted encouragement. I want the feeling that people are thinking of me even when they are not directly engaging me at the time. And be it a "Hey I saw <this> the other day and I couldn't help but think of you!" or some variation thereof.
I am aware that this is very entitled of me. To "demand" such things.
To quote a line from the 1976 movie Network: "I'm a human being, god damnit! My life has value!"
I wish I could feel that more.
If you read this far... I am both sorry and thankful for it.
I have been struggling to figure out what to talk about this month.
There's not really anything that is going wrong at the moment. There are some smoldering embers here and there, but no fires from what I can see. That is metaphorically speaking of course. Nothing here has actually burned.
But at the same time... The nice and pleasant moments have been far and in-between as well. Or so it is in my perception at least.
Which I suppose leads me a bit towards my topic for this month.
I am feeling lost and dried up.
There are a lot of metaphors I can use here, and I just might. But one thing after another.
The other day, a certain purple someone said "A creative with encouragement is unstoppable." and I absolutely agree with that. Being hyped up for something helps magnitudes. I doubt I have to tell that anyone.
But I am... not really getting that. Now don't get me wrong, I do absolutely appreciate the few kind words that I am getting every now and then, they are fantastic.
And here is where the metaphors begin.
I am like a desert. I feel so utterly bereft of that kind of stuff that I do not know what to do with it once I actually get it. A few drops will absolutely disappear without any tangible effect whatsoever, and yet, a full on rain has, if anything, the opposite effect of being helpful. The ground is so dried up, so calcified, that it can't actually absorb the water fast enough before its already gone again to flood some poor village that made the mistake of building inside a Wadi.
Another relatively apt comparison would be to say that I am a "child of the dark". I have been living in (emotional) darkness for so long that any kind of light can be blinding to me.
It is very hard not to become self-deprecating while writing this.
"Oooh Coatl, aren't you a bit too old to act like an edgy teen now?" says some voice in the back of my mind. Part of me agrees, I know that I am in a very fortunate situation in general...
Yet why do I feel so unhappy?
I write because the things I want to say should not/are very awkward to be spoken out loud. I publish them so that other people can read them. And then I hope that I find like minded individuals to engage with.
All of you who are reading this are proof that this has worked.
To some extent anyway. The one or two voices I get to hear... Thank you. I really mean it. But at the same time, it only makes the silence around us ring so much louder.
I don't know what I am doing here really. In fact, it might well be that I am just having some kind of meltdown over nothing.
I ask for compliments, for encouragement, for engagement... Looking at the length of this here, it might actually be more begging... a plea for... attention?
And by doing so, I invariably tarnish any kind of response I will be getting following this. "Oh, that's just out of pity now, that's not genuine" the nasty voice at the back of my mind will tell me, "they're just saying it because you put them on the spot."
On some level that is probably true even.
What I want is unprompted encouragement. I want the feeling that people are thinking of me even when they are not directly engaging me at the time. And be it a "Hey I saw <this> the other day and I couldn't help but think of you!" or some variation thereof.
I am aware that this is very entitled of me. To "demand" such things.
To quote a line from the 1976 movie Network: "I'm a human being, god damnit! My life has value!"
I wish I could feel that more.
If you read this far... I am both sorry and thankful for it.
I may not be the best person to tell you this, but I feel you have plenty of excellent ideas and I still look forward to seeing your submissions in my inbox. My silence has been out of an attempt at respect.
Chin up, eh. It's easy to beat yourself up when you hold you and your brain are both being held hostage 24/7.
A small part of me wonders if their 3-4 weeks of doomscrolling on a barely functional hellsite was worth the life-long grudge some will hold against me but to say that the site's nigh-inoperability almost immediately after I took a stand made me feel vindicated would be an understatement. That's neither here nor there, however.
All that said and done — I just hope you feel better and I think you still have great ideas.
If you're otherwise interested in getting in touch again, you can shoot me a note. At least that's assuming I'm not misunderstanding like half of what you said there?
I haven't posted anything in months because i made the emotional mistake of accepting an offer for critique in DMs, and the answer returned pointed out so much stuff that would have to be corrected, that when i tried to apply the changes i just could not avoid internalizing that fact, that if so much had to be changed so drastically, then years upon years of writing have been for naught. That everything i have written thus far was fundamentally wrong and flawed.
I tried to take my mind off writing for months, because every time i tried to go back to it, i'd feel so viscerally uncomfortable to the point of actual physical ill.
Now I've got a day job, due to which i have no more time to even try to think about writing, leaving me frustrated that i have to kill what little motivation or inspiration i find throughout the week because i never have the physical time to even focus, let alone write anymore than half a page.
I don't know how much comfort that can offer, critique can always cut deep, but at the end of the day, its also just the opinion of a singular person.
I don't think I have a really good way to make you feel good on my end, but just going to say: it sounds like you're a bit worried about praise being ingeniune, but that's very far from the truth. you're a really appreciated/well respected writer on this site, and I think there's alot of others on here who have been inspired by your work (myself included) and think you have a great style/feel to your works that's not replicated by others.
Don't burn yourself out, try and focus on just making yourself happy at the moment.