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life right now part 1
2 years ago
i have two things i want to share. each unrelated to one another.
disclaimer, i'm not fatshaming fat people in any way or form. i would say this all about myself, what i feel does not directed to other people other than myself.
so please when i talk about me hating myself being fat, don't think i say this to you! also i love bears! and my crush is a bear!
When i was around 11 and in my middle school, i used to be fat. I was an antisocial kid. Had like 1 or 2 friends. People in my class didn't invite me to events. I was a boring fat kid without personality. To cover my body, i always wear jacket to my school. Just generally, i didn't like myself. and even though people didn't hate me, they didn't like me either. fast forward to my college years, still the same old me. gained a few close friends i guess, but i was still fat and ashamed of my body. One day i just decided to change. I start eating just one spoonful of rice and a mountain of veggies for a meal, i started to lift and jog. And even though i still have fat in my belly, but i can definitely say i looked good for myself. i was in shape. I am still a shy boring guy, but one thing for sure is, i was handsome. I started to look in the mirror more and more. I am gay and i know which kind of guy is my type. I like muscles in men and so i started lifting so i can look like the guy with the ideal body type. It's a long process, maybe years before i can do chris redfield cosplay, but i had results. I have muscles in me. though I was skinny fat, but i still maintain a good look in my body. Guys who hooked up with me always say i look good and asked if i go to the gym. There were 2 girls who had an interest with me. Took some selfies, always spent some time in the mirror, i can say, i love how i look. I am content with my appearance. I just need to exercise more and more, and i will be desirable more and more. Nobody wants me back then and i feel worthless, but now i can put some worth in me, which is my looks.
But then, it's around late 2022. One of my classmate said my hair was thinner than others. I take a look in the mirror, and he was correct. My hair was thinning. My hairline is receding. My hair was lot thinner than it was 1 year before. Everyday my hair keeps shedding. This puts me in panic state. I tried to do anything to save my hair. I eat vitamins, i consume some weird pills i don't know off (finasteride), i apply minoxidil but stopped cause of certain reason, use rosemary oils. And still, it sheds and sheds. I was depressed. Hair transplants costs money i don't have. Seems like i have no hope in this. Fast forward to now. My hair is now thinner. I have receded hairline. I can look at my scalp with ease. I now hate my own face. I avoid mirrors, i don't take selfies, and i do less exercising now. What's the point of trying to make yourself hot if your face look like shit?
Life just keeps giving you shit. I did my best to look good and earned it, but life takes something else that made me like myself. I'm still taking those pills in hope my hair gets better. But my hope runs dry. I will hate on living from now on. Yeah i do have normal life too. I have stable life with something to work on. I can feel happy sometimes for some unrelated reasons. But living right now is sorrowful. Nobody will want me again like my past self, that's what i thought. Return being an undesired person. i know i sounds harsh and exaggerating , but that's what me and other balding people felt regarding their baldness. it feels like losing so much thing about yourself. your identity, your treasure, and your life. and now i work where peoples eyes are targeted on me. feels so cruel for fate to do this.
i wish i didn't have to go through this
disclaimer, i'm not fatshaming fat people in any way or form. i would say this all about myself, what i feel does not directed to other people other than myself.
so please when i talk about me hating myself being fat, don't think i say this to you! also i love bears! and my crush is a bear!
When i was around 11 and in my middle school, i used to be fat. I was an antisocial kid. Had like 1 or 2 friends. People in my class didn't invite me to events. I was a boring fat kid without personality. To cover my body, i always wear jacket to my school. Just generally, i didn't like myself. and even though people didn't hate me, they didn't like me either. fast forward to my college years, still the same old me. gained a few close friends i guess, but i was still fat and ashamed of my body. One day i just decided to change. I start eating just one spoonful of rice and a mountain of veggies for a meal, i started to lift and jog. And even though i still have fat in my belly, but i can definitely say i looked good for myself. i was in shape. I am still a shy boring guy, but one thing for sure is, i was handsome. I started to look in the mirror more and more. I am gay and i know which kind of guy is my type. I like muscles in men and so i started lifting so i can look like the guy with the ideal body type. It's a long process, maybe years before i can do chris redfield cosplay, but i had results. I have muscles in me. though I was skinny fat, but i still maintain a good look in my body. Guys who hooked up with me always say i look good and asked if i go to the gym. There were 2 girls who had an interest with me. Took some selfies, always spent some time in the mirror, i can say, i love how i look. I am content with my appearance. I just need to exercise more and more, and i will be desirable more and more. Nobody wants me back then and i feel worthless, but now i can put some worth in me, which is my looks.
But then, it's around late 2022. One of my classmate said my hair was thinner than others. I take a look in the mirror, and he was correct. My hair was thinning. My hairline is receding. My hair was lot thinner than it was 1 year before. Everyday my hair keeps shedding. This puts me in panic state. I tried to do anything to save my hair. I eat vitamins, i consume some weird pills i don't know off (finasteride), i apply minoxidil but stopped cause of certain reason, use rosemary oils. And still, it sheds and sheds. I was depressed. Hair transplants costs money i don't have. Seems like i have no hope in this. Fast forward to now. My hair is now thinner. I have receded hairline. I can look at my scalp with ease. I now hate my own face. I avoid mirrors, i don't take selfies, and i do less exercising now. What's the point of trying to make yourself hot if your face look like shit?
Life just keeps giving you shit. I did my best to look good and earned it, but life takes something else that made me like myself. I'm still taking those pills in hope my hair gets better. But my hope runs dry. I will hate on living from now on. Yeah i do have normal life too. I have stable life with something to work on. I can feel happy sometimes for some unrelated reasons. But living right now is sorrowful. Nobody will want me again like my past self, that's what i thought. Return being an undesired person. i know i sounds harsh and exaggerating , but that's what me and other balding people felt regarding their baldness. it feels like losing so much thing about yourself. your identity, your treasure, and your life. and now i work where peoples eyes are targeted on me. feels so cruel for fate to do this.
i wish i didn't have to go through this
Yeah, real friends worth having will like and want you no matter what you look like and a genuine significant partner will find you attractive as you are. But the issue of accepting ourselves as we are and the feeling of judgment/negative perception from others persists as a harsh thorn.
That being said, is hair thinning something that runs in your family? If not maybe there might be a health issue you are not aware of, lack of a vitamin, high levels of a certain chemical in your body that's not supposed to be there, who knows. Worth talking to medical professionals assuming you haven't yet.
tl;dr: fin helps you keep the hair you still have, but doesn't grow new hairs out of nowhere
As far as hair loss in general is concerned, don't let other people tell you about a "right" or "wrong" way to deal with it. That is your choice. Some people will feel comfortable shaving their heads, or others won't care one way or the other. In your case, it sounds like you'd prefer to keep your hair, and that's valid. I think a healthy mindset to hold would be to make a transplant your future goal -- something distant, but something to look forward to. There's no time limit on when to get a transplant, and since you're taking fin, you can relax in knowing you're helping to protect your hairs in the meantime. You can keep some money you make from every paycheck and put it aside.
I mean, if it makes you feel better, the cost for a transplant in Istanbul (one of the best hair transplant in the world) is < $8,000, which is less expensive than a professional fursuit. It's a lot of money, but in a few years it becomes more realistic.
Above all, though, what's most important is your health and mental well-being. Hair loss can very negatively affect men, bring about depression and insecurity -- it's normal, you're not wrong for feeling this way. But even if you don't look the way you want to at this moment, you will always be valid being just you. If anyone says otherwise then screw em.